My almost-12 year old daughter received a letter from her birth mom this week. I was waiting for a good time to give it to her. That good time never came, but Monday I gave it to her.
This is a big deal. My daughter hasn't heard from her mom in over three years. Way more background to this story than energy to write it, so here's a brief re-cap. My daughter (P) lived with her three older sibs, mother & father. When she was 5 her dad died. A few months later, mom moved Abusive Monster Boyfriend into the home. When she was 6 she & her brother (the only sib left in the home) were taken away by the police while their mom "was sleeping." (That's what I heard. Who knows?) That was the last time P ever saw her mom. Can you even imagine?
The last time she spoke to her mom was a 1 minute phone call on her 7th birthday when mom asked if she had gotten any money for her birthday. (Did I mention her dad and mom were/are addicted to crack?) When she was almost 8 she came to live with me. Soon after she received a nice letter from mom saying I love you, I'm sorry, I'm glad you have a home where you will be better taken care of, etc. P fell apart after that letter, for months. Shoplifting, bullying other children, etc. (sometimes bullies have their reasons)
Recently, the therapist and I sat P down to tell her some things. The plan was to let her know that I had talked with her mom on the phone (my first contact with her, we've never met) and that her older brothers were living with her again. If she handled that okay, we were also going to let her know mom was re-married and that there was still drugs in their lives.
I never got that far. In fact, all I said (after a prep talk of "I have some more information about your family, would you like to hear it?") was "I talked to your mom" and P went catatonic, right there in the therapists office. No blinking, no moving, etc. When she finally snapped out of it, she made it very clear that she didn't want to hear anymore, not even what her mom said.
(A little more background: by all accounts mom wasn't mean to P, just neglectful, unstable & addicted, if you get what I mean. I think P thinks of her mom as just an innocent victim of Abusive Monster Boyfriend and of course loves her very much. Triple loves her sibs)
Flash forward to 2009 Christmas Eve night. Magical time, home from church, candles lit, beautiful dinner on the table. Her paternal grandma calls to say "Merry Christmas" (or so I think) and then proceeds to tell P Everything There Is To Know About Your Family. I thought I was going to faint when I heard her echo "My brother is in jail?" and then saw tears running down her face. And it went on & on, while I stood there, Not Knowing What To Do. P's grandma never likes to talk about ANYTHING. Her conversations with P have always been silly phone calls with lots of giggling on both ends. There was no way I could have known this was going to happen. I was putting the Christmas ham on the table for God's Sake!! (shit, now I'm starting to cry)
P fell apart. Problems again (first time in years) with being mean to everyone, especially some kids at school. We were just starting to recover when I got the letter for P from her mom. I took one look at it, threw it on to the top shelf of my closet and proceeded to try and PUT IT OUT OF MY MIND.
When I was finally able to read it with a calm mind, I saw that while not perfect, it is a fairly nice letter. Monday I gave it to her, again with the help of her therapist because I am Chicken Shit. There was a brief rage episode directed at me after she saw the date on the letter. But since then she is following me around the house like a puppy. Sitting on my lap, etc. (She turns 12 in 2 months, but this regression is understandable.)
Our lives suck. Her's does for obvious reasons, the suffering she was born into. Mine does because there are so many more decisions to make about her birth family and I have no damn idea what to do. For example, her mom also wrote Me a letter saying she wants to talk to P. But the few phone conversations I have had with her were very disturbing and she was clearly not of sound mind. Just to give you a small taste: I asked if she was pregnant, because the social worker told me that she had walked into her office obviously Very Pregnant, but denied it. So I said "I heard you might be pregnant." In a casual, monotone voice she replied, "Yeah, I had a baby yesterday but it died and now I think I'm getting the flu."
I'm trying to decide between a future where P hates me for keeping her from her mother or a present where, no never mind, as I type this I realize there is no way that P is ready to talk to her mom on the phone. It would be like deliberately putting her in the eye of a T5 tornado. And it seems quite likely that even if I tried to prepare her for such a call, mom would disappear before it happened away. The letter is enough for now.
P is planning to write back to her mom this weekend. Ask her some questions, like what happened to Abusive Monster Boyfriend? I'm panicked when she tells me this, wondering which of the horrid details her mom will reveal. I can't let P hear that now. What am I going to do, block out certain lines like an FBI file? P is so innocent. I had to break it to her last month that Santa is not real. She was genuinely shocked. Don't ask me how she's maintained this innocence throughout her nightmare early years, but the point is I can't just hand over any letter her mom writes with who knows what kind of details in it.
As a writer, I think of lives as stories. The ugliness in her mother's story overwhelms me. I stop breathing with each new twist and turn. I know her mother is not a monster, I consider her a lost soul. But her story (and now the stories of her other children's lives) is the Boogey Man that I know is coming for my daughter, with the intent of squeezing the life out of her.
I don't know what to do.
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Oh, and the first person who tells me she is lucky to have me is in Big Trouble.
Okay, I will stop talking with myself now.
Wishing you and your daughter the continued strength to get through this.
I always told my son I would help him find his birth mother when he turned 18, if he wanted. He said no, he didn't want to see her. When he wasd 17 1/2, she found us. She was still prostituting to support her crack addiction. Her two younger children were in and out of her home and foster care. My son reunited with them, and I tried to be neutrally supportive. She stole his wallet and opened up a bunch of accounts with his SS#. She left for days of binging, leaving the two little boys in his care. I had to help him work through it all again.
It's just my experience, but I would withhold contact and information until 1) she is stable or 2) your daughter is a legal adult, and perhaps more able to absorb the enormity of her prior life and her life with you
Bea
R
Bea
R
My mother gave my sister up for adoption when she was born. My brother and I didn't meet her until we were all in our twenties. She found us. I tell you this because my sister may have some good insight on this and she would be happy to share it with you. Let me know and I can get you in touch with her. She's amazing.
I won't say she is lucky to have you, but I will say you are inspiring. :-)
Kim
Thank you for your wishes Late Again.
Bell- You bring up some very good points. P already feels responsible for her mom, in fact, the nite before I gave her the letter she was wondering aloud if her mom had enough food to eat. It was my hope that the letter would give her some peace of mind. I think you're right about protecting her from the rest of it.
Oh Lunchlady, you do understand don't you? From the beg. when P brings up her mom I've pretty much told her what you said, she loves you but the drugs make it so that she can't make good choices. We've been working on that "not thrown away" part but it is hard for her to believe otherwise. Children with mothers that they know & remember but who leave them have an enormous hole, don't they?
Thank you, Joan, as always!
Thank you Bernadine & sweetfeet.
Linda, thank you for that observation: you're right, she is still a little girl, isn't she? I appreciate your good wishes.
Unbreakable, she goes through bouts of depression, wondering if her mom remembers her or ever thinks about her & why she doesn't contact her. I want to ease that pain, and try to walk a very fine line of giving P just enough to know her mother still loves her.
Wow, I think I just clarified something for myself by typing that out.
Thank you so much everyone!
I breathed a sigh of relief when I read that...does that help?
I haven't adopted nor know the affects so fill ill-equipped to speak to that nuance. What Bell said feels right on. I wish you peace on this journey.
Me too.
First off, this was riveting - and not just because of the material but because of the way you presented it.
I'm always on the fence here at OS when it comes to giving opinions on someone's life. I feel we're here at OS to look at your writing first and foremost. Many of my pieces are written from a particular frame of mind - they're not the "real, daily me" per se. So I I like to approach others with that same attitude.
With that said, I feel your piece is obviously eliciting opinions on your situation. From someone who has had their share of shit in their background, I know that catatonic state that your daughter slipped into at the therapist's office. It's re-traumatizing and she's dissassociating.
God - my first thought is No! Absolutely NO contact. That dynamic is extremely unhealthy and toxic and re-traumatizing. Let your daughter rail against YOU all she wants; somewhere, I suspect, she wants someone to draw the line.
Besides this bio mother is taking more and more liberties with kind people, like addicts do. If you don't draw the line, she will for you...and you don't want that. Or you daughter will, and she's not capable of it. Both should receive a letter from YOU this time that reads: "Until you have reached one year of sobriety, you are no longed allowed contact with my daughter."
I say this nervously. Because I don't know. But I DO know addicts and I know neglect and I know trauma. And I know that I wish someone would have drawn some stronger lines for me when I was growing up. I would have been angry but secretly happy that I didn't have to keep making adult decisions far too early.
Don't engage with addicts. They will always win or take you down trying.
Speaking of which, a healthy step might be both of you attending Alanon for Teens. That's the kind of community that gets this situation and give you sounder, "I've been there" advice than here, I dare say (no offense to my beautiful OS community.)
My "P" is "D" and she is 5. Her brother is here too, he is 4. I don't look forward to the days you describe.
Follow your insticts. Protect her enough that she can still love. Expose her enough that she does not seek it out herself.
I have told my kids it took (at least) 9 months of consistant caring and waiting for me to see them once I knew I wanted to. So if a bio parent can make consistant efforts for about 9 months, they must want it.
I have been shocked at how they have found peace, hope, value and resilience in that boundary.
Hope you are feeling better!
Brown eyes, I'm going to check out & see if you've written about this on your page, sounds like maybe I could learn some things from you.
and she IS lucky to have you. but you dont have to deliver that woman's letters. you don't. you do not have to let that woman hurt your daughter. period. that simple.
That said, the process of blogging about it & responding to comments is helping me clarify some things in my own mind. I appreciate you taking the time to provide feedback regarding addicts & drawing the line. And I hadn't considered al-ateen. Definitely something to look into for the future. Thank you!
and thank you Jane, for the pep talk! I appreciate it.
As a mom who almost adopted a daughter from what sounds like very similar circumstances (though she was much younger) I know how it feels to want to protect your child from her birth family. It's so hard.
Good luck, whatever you decide.
We came to a point where we had to give her enough information to know how bad things were at her bio home, and why they were ultimately removed for good. It was necessary because she had fantasies of everything being just fine with birthmom and that we were being mean because we did things like make her go to school. It sucked to do it, but it came down to needing her to want to stay in a home rather than bolt to the street where life was "fun."
We have always errred on the side of protection of the kids whatever the risk to our relationship with them. Lil' P at 12 or 13 or 14 or 15 cannot manage a lying drug addict. These kids have enough trouble iwth their own demons without taking on her demons as well. If that makes P mad at me, well I guess that's part of the deal we signed up for - to absorb the pain and clean up someone else's mess. Over and over and over.
We - at the advise of all the "experts" and therapists we've spoken to, have gone to the side of protection even if that meant risking their wrath at us. Lil' P at 12 or 13 can not manage a lying drug addict. When the subject comes up, we do talk about how much she loved them, that her love was pure and strong, but that her life skills were horrific. How proud she would be of them now, etc.
You have a really rough set of years coming, I feel for you and can tell you it does get better. Then worse, then better, then worse and one day the periods of better start to outweigh the periods of worse. And you hope and pray it lasts!
I don't have any advice here, I'm not an adoptee or an adopter. However, I'd say that Dr. Spock's advice, from way back when, is good. He said "trust yourself, you know more than you think you do." You know your daughter better than anyone, and on some level, you know what she needs and what she can handle.
Trust yourself. Your instincts are good. You care about P and her her best interests at heart. Let that guide you.
Chills.
Rated
My P is T. I'm the bio father. Her bio mother I would not believe if she told me the sun was up at noon. Bio mom is also 23 years my junior.
Long story short, there was lots of lies by bio mom, which is how T came to be. I should have know something was up because I never got to see T. Bio mom always had a reason she was at the baby sitters. In fact she lived there. Bio mom always wanted to know what I thought about adoption, like she wanted me to make the decision for her. Thinking I was not the bio father, which is what bio mom always said, I wouldn't give her an answer.
Bio mom decided to let babysitter adopt T. Judge said everybody gets tested. I won. I was not to long ago divorced in a nasty divorce. While I would have loved T, there was a better life for her with her mom. I finally saw T at the adoption hearing and met mom. After seeing T, I could have saved everyone lots of money. There was no way this child belong to anyone other than me. I also met mom's future husband. I kind of worked with him and did work with his brother. T was going to be just fine. I gave away my rights.
Mom is sitting on lots of letters about why I did what I did, pictures of me and my kids, medical history and everything she would ever need to hunt me down if she wanted. It wouldn't be hard to do. Mom knows how where I am and has my phone number. I call once a year about her birthday to talk to mom, not T.
When T is old enough, mature enough and wants to know about me my letter says that I can't/won't be her dad. She as one. I will be her friend, advisor or what ever she wants me to be.
Mom said she said something about being adopted. T, at 6 didn't want to hear it, so subject dropped.
I think you are doing right by P. When she is ready both of you will know. Just make sure she knows it's okay to talk to you about her bio mom if she wants to talk or know something. No matter what, if bio mom is going off the deep end, protect P. I also think you are doing a good thing in using a 3rd party to help during this time. I'm sure when in the thick of things you are not looking at the whole picture sometimes.
Secondly, I don't believe there is a right answer, no matter what you do it could be perfect, or absolutely wrong. So what to do? Follow your path, follow your gut and heart, just keep loving her. No mother is given a template for how to do it perfectly, they just muddle through, like the rest of us.
Your daughter is watching you closely, measuring you, learning about life from you, and that's your job. Some children in these situations develop a hardened heart, some become the caretaker of others, and some stay innocent. In your case, it sounds like the innocence, if that is the case, she depends upon you for her protection, despite any protestations.
Since you are a writer, I'd journal about all of this, knowing that some day these writings will be treasured by your daughter. I lost a friend to cancer recently, her gift to her kids was just such a journal, they treasured it above all.
Lastly, humor heals.
One of the commenters (Unbreakable?) also wondered if your daughter knows that she can say no to contact with her birth family--until it's on her terms. That sounds right to me, and might give a little more sense of control. At 12, she's still so young to be handling any of this, to be trying to evaluate stories and information from birth-family members who she loves (or feels duty-bound to love).
As an adoptive mom, I know exactly why you don't want anyone to say she's lucky to have you. But I will say that I'm glad she has you in her corner. The way you handled keeping her name anonymous works, I think, and says a lot about the moral compass you're trying to provide. Rated.
One thing I was thinking: what if you could make your explanation about her mother's drug use more complex? Something like: when people use drugs in the way your mom is, the part of them that is themselves, their deepest feelings, gets locked inside them and the drug keeps them away from that part. The drug causes a sickness where people only think they want the drug, that only the drug will make them happy. When your mom chose to use drugs, the part of her that loved you more than anything and put taking the best care of you first before anything else went into hiding and the drugs took over. That part of your mom is still there, she still loves you deep inside and wants the best for you, but the drugs lock that part of her away and make her mind think that she wants only the drugs.
This is just a shot at it (and not the best shot), but I'm thinking that some kind of explanation of how the drugs have interfered with her mother's love for her and the natural way her mother may, otherwise, have put her daughter's needs first...
With my stepson, I never spoke ill of his mother, I might even mention her casually if we were speaking of his birth or early years.
I decided to let him ask me when he was ready. His father was so umcomfortable, he wouldn't speak about her at all. Even when B came to me when he was 16 and asked me what was so wrong with him, that would make his mother leave him, I chose my words carefully.
He erupted in tears one day (probably teenage hormones, plus he was becoming more aware of things). I assured first of all that it had nothing to do with him, and that I didn't know why she would do that, except that she felt she couldn't care for him in the way he needed to be cared for, so she let him come and live with me and his Dad because she knew we would give him a proper home. I added that although I know it must have been painful for her to do that, I was so greatful because he was such a wonderful boy, and I was so lucky to have him as my son. That seemed to give him some solace.
Please don't trust P's well being with a volatile or unbalanced woman. She is at such a vulnerable time of life. She can hear all the details when she is older, and when she is ready. You should always answer her questions as diplomatically and honestly as possible, but leaving out details that would be too upsetting. It's the kindest thing you can do without being deceitful. You are now the adoptive parent, she is your responsibility, not the bio mom's anyway, and you have to make the decisions that you feel are right for her.
I wish you the very best, and appreciate you sharing this very personal story.
Hoping for strength and wisdom for you and your daughter as you work through this.
After all that blather: I agree with Bellwether. If we could legally have done it, I would have chosen to keep her from her mother until she was old enough to have a good sense of her secure place in the world, and to be capable of understanding that good people can do bad things, especially when mental illness and/or substances are involved. I think your instincts are probably great, and that you shouldn't underestimate the power of your love and protection.