Caroline Marie

caroline marie

caroline marie
northern city, United States
July 24
Temperamental Story Teller
posts will tell


JUNE 10, 2010 11:40PM

Blood, Whining & Tears

Rate: 16 Flag

It's been a rough couple of weeks.

There were emergency calls

to the vet

(first my 13 year old soulmate dog ate 11 chicken wing bones and then days later he sprained his neck)

and from the school nurse

(first my beautiful child fell off the playground equipment at recess and then days later she had a run in with a hot glue gun.)

The most stupid thing was when I tried not to disturb the dog with the hurt neck sleeping in front of the hall closet which contained something I needed.  Let me just say I ended up pulling something in my own neck & literally could not get out of bed the next morning.

But that was all last week and

this week was much worse.

On Monday I began to hemorrhage.

I drove P to the soccer field, stepped out of the car, she was already sprinting into the park and

there was a whooooosh

I stood still

it continued.

& continued & continued 

& for over an hour gruesome, horrible things took place

and I thought

this is how it happens, you go about your day, you're fine one minute and the next thing you know you are bleeding to death

and I thought

my house is a mess

and I thought

Penny thinks I'm walking behind her into the park

and I thought

which friend?  who?

I tried to get a nurse or someone medical on the phone

and I couldn't

But then I did

she wanted to ask 50 questions, make sure I was insured enough to receive advice and I cut her off

I said look, I have 2 minutes to decide if I turn left to safely pick my kid up from the soccer field or I turn right to get to a hospital

I'm not going to gross you out with the details of what the problem was

my doctor will know more next week

Bottom line

I'm not dead

I may not need surgery 

I'm hopefully going to be just fine

and just like that 

just like that I'm going about my day.

But then

but then 

Wednesday was Penny's first day of summer break

her first day of solitude 

three hours while I was at work

and she completely fell apart

fell down the rabbit hole 

talking of suicide

the works

And I thought

I can't

I can't do this right now

I almost bled to death

and I thought

all I ever really do is distract her from the darkness inside

she has activities and I keep her busy and the first day she's left alone with her thoughts she blows, so really all I'm ever doing is stalling her because soon hormones will be involved and self destructive behavior, razor blades

and the phone rang

Thank God!  

My dear friend Ivy

tells me to stay in the present

don't go to her teenage years right now


let yourself be angry and frustrated right now

because it's too much

it's too much for one person to handle

and you can't stop P from going to the dark place but you can remind her you will be there waiting for her on the other side.

She asks me how I baby myself

and I say I lay on the couch and stare out the window

and we laugh at this answer

we laugh and laugh. 



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I'm going to go pour myself a glass of wine.
Sounds like Ivy is a great friend. Hope things get better for you and P.

Only women bleed ... I'm with you on that one ...
take care
Thank god for Ivy. I'm sending good thoughts for your health and Penny's. Rely on your friends during these times, we all need them.
May I suggest the whole damn bottle! My goodness girl. I hope you only get good news from here on out. I can't imagine where your head was, well yes I can being a lone parent, but that which come first, who comes first. I am so glad your friend called and talked you to laughter.
Dear God, you definitely earned the wine. Sending prayers, love and Angels.
You sip that wine and smile at the strength you are gaining through adversity or at least the buzz you are receiving through the vino. :)

Keep me updated, Caroline.
Caroline, you sip that wine. I wish I was there, I'd play a game with Penny and send her to bed. Then we could drink wine.

If it's any help, my son couldn't manage three hours at home alone either. He's 12, he has absolutely nothing of the history that Penny has, and he just hates being alone.

Good luck. Be kind to yourself. Things have a way of working out.
Oh Caroline. "you can't stop P from going to the dark place but you can remind her you will be there waiting for her on the other side"
I think I've about been through it all with my 3 girls teen years. Please asks for advice if you want to. And wine, yes wine, helps alot.
Okay. One hellava couple of weeks. Thermal ablation is a good thing. Some teenage angst with a little dash of salt and some sugar, this is about me dear, not you, right now...buck up. No I don't have the right answers, only the ones that sound good to me. Pick and chose what works for you. You know best. Feel much better soon.
That was amazing. I mean, I'm very sorry that you had to go through such powerful and horrible experiences, but the WAY in which you wrote about them pulled me along so brilliantly that I can't help but applaud your absolutly perfect grasp of style.

You literally had me on the edge of my seat.

I know the feeling about teens, going all teen at the worst of possible times. It's made me wish for "Hypersleep chambers" for years.

Mmmmmm, things are looking up: I have some pinot grigio, chocolate & these kind comments to read.

(I forgot to add the best thing that Ivy said: she's going to take P camping! woo hoo!)

I love each & every kind wish, bit of advice or perspective & compliment from each of you. I'll try to respond indiv. soon.

Thank you!
I've been there, Caroline....with the bleeding and the histrionic preteen.... Go get that glass of wine. Better make it two.
This, too, shall pass....
We just want to make sure you don't pass out!
I'll be praying for you both...glad you have Ivy to sturdy your loins!
Holy cow, you needed to vent!!! Thank goodness for your dear friend, Ivy and for her mundane question that brought on the onslaught of laughter and tears. That is such good ju ju!! Be well! Stay out of the dark place. One day at a time. My 3 daughters survived their teens (I have the scars to prove it)!

This, too, shall pass. Mainly...hope you are better now. Significant blood loss is no laughing matter. That is very scary, girl!
I love the part about, "this week was much worse." You deserve a drink! Pour one for me.
After all that, Caroline Marie, we deserve a drink. You're a real trooper and I hope everything is okay healthwise. Thank God for Ivy...I'm sure you do and so do I.
a heavy plateful. scarlett's "only women bleed" rang something in me. & then your update...glad it's all coming together. lovely, lovely, lovely friend is that Ivy. wishing you & P well and all the best.
i am reminded of your recent post "magnificence" (which I have linked on my blogpage, by the way) and what a difference a few days can make. i rejoice in your survival, commiserate in raising a teenaged girl in the summer time, and send you much love and prayers for an improved future.
dianaani, I wrote 'magnificence' in the midst of the drama in an effort to stay positive--it was before the blood though and now I just want to say screw it.
Thank you for your kind wishes and prayers everyone. I'm sure that once I get over my own urge to have a massive temper tantrum and P settles into the summer, things will be fine.
Caroline...take CARE! Rest and heed whatever it is that your body is trying to tell you. Or not. Whatever you damned well feel like it. For YOU. I'm a little worried about you now, but...I know you'll fare well. We're ALL thinking of and praying for you. Remember that!
O Caroline, what a two week wreckage. Hopefully, though we never do know, Penny will have structure this summer, and you will have no serious results from the bleeding. For some reason your posts always touch me so strongly.

If it's any help, i had a horrid week, one, myself and nothing dramatic happened except moving to what so far feels like a prison not a happy new apartment. Life ain't easy, so my friend always says. If I can get a candle I will light one for you to have easier times and soon. What color? Eould you PM me if there is one. I'm thinking green/turquoise but you will know, maybe white? Love to you, m'dear, all things pass but that is small comfort as well I know. Rated
Thank you so much scarlett, sweetfeet, ll2, bleue, froggy, amanda, trilogy (do you hear the music in these names?), sheila, doug, joy, cathy, dave, fay, renatta, dianaani, keka & wendy. Each of you are appreciated.
I hope you are feeling much, much better by now and your news are good as well. One day at a time and friends to listen to and share. Best wishes to you and P. ~R
Hang in there Caroline! I hope everything is at least on the mend...or getting better. Life is a series of on the mend and getting better (if we are lucky).
So yeah, my dr's dad just died or is dying so she can't see me and we're supposed to leave monday on a 3 week road trip. the plot thickens