It's been a rough couple of weeks.

There were emergency calls

to the vet

(first my 13 year old soulmate dog ate 11 chicken wing bones and then days later he sprained his neck)

and from the school nurse

(first my beautiful child fell off the playground equipment at recess and then days later she had a run in with a hot glue gun.)

The most stupid thing was when I tried not to disturb the dog with the hurt neck sleeping in front of the hall closet which contained something I needed.  Let me just say I ended up pulling something in my own neck & literally could not get out of bed the next morning.

But that was all last week and

this week was much worse.

On Monday I began to hemorrhage.

I drove P to the soccer field, stepped out of the car, she was already sprinting into the park and

there was a whooooosh

I stood still

it continued.

& continued & continued 

& for over an hour gruesome, horrible things took place

and I thought

this is how it happens, you go about your day, you're fine one minute and the next thing you know you are bleeding to death

and I thought

my house is a mess

and I thought

Penny thinks I'm walking behind her into the park

and I thought

which friend?  who?

I tried to get a nurse or someone medical on the phone

and I couldn't

But then I did

she wanted to ask 50 questions, make sure I was insured enough to receive advice and I cut her off

I said look, I have 2 minutes to decide if I turn left to safely pick my kid up from the soccer field or I turn right to get to a hospital

I'm not going to gross you out with the details of what the problem was

my doctor will know more next week

Bottom line

I'm not dead

I may not need surgery 

I'm hopefully going to be just fine

and just like that 

just like that I'm going about my day.

But then

but then 

Wednesday was Penny's first day of summer break

her first day of solitude 

three hours while I was at work

and she completely fell apart

fell down the rabbit hole 

talking of suicide

the works

And I thought

I can't

I can't do this right now

I almost bled to death

and I thought

all I ever really do is distract her from the darkness inside

she has activities and I keep her busy and the first day she's left alone with her thoughts she blows, so really all I'm ever doing is stalling her because soon hormones will be involved and self destructive behavior, razor blades

and the phone rang

Thank God!  

My dear friend Ivy

tells me to stay in the present

don't go to her teenage years right now

and 

let yourself be angry and frustrated right now

because it's too much

it's too much for one person to handle

and you can't stop P from going to the dark place but you can remind her you will be there waiting for her on the other side.

She asks me how I baby myself

and I say I lay on the couch and stare out the window

and we laugh at this answer

we laugh and laugh.