JULY 23, 2010 11:59PM
Another Irritated Mother
If you don't want to read the thoughts of a hormonally challenged, middle aged insomniac, please avert your eyes.
I've been in a bad mood, very irritable and I don't want to be a mother this week. Not at all.
I know Penny can sense this. I'm no Meryl Streep.
Maybe it's the backlash of an introvert going on a 17 day family road trip with zero alone time. Excuses, excuses. Maybe it's a deep flaw of my soul, of who I really am.
Would I still have days like these if I had given birth to her? I don't know, I feel deep inside like she's mine, but I'm just not in the mood for a 12 year old in my space this week.
I need a vacation from being a mom. Not just time away, but time without worrying, obsessing, guilting--an impossible dream.
I've been reading the "real families" posts and composing Penny's future posts in my head...they're terrible.
"My cousin who adopted me was cold and condescending. Sometimes she rolled her eyes at me and it made me doubt myself. Her hugs were stiff and she always pulled away first. I felt unloved."
What if that is her experience?! She deserves so much better, like the moms who visibly adore their children. How do I become that kind of person?
Penny is truly a magnificent child, but why do I feel it so much stronger at times like these--when she's asleep. When she's awake I note that she must argue with every single word I say, her never ending list of demands, her inability to occupy herself for ten minutes...
I need to be more pleasant, nurturing, loving, less annoyed. I need a personality transplant.
I need some sleep.
I need more progesterone.
See, I warned you about reading this.
I'll close with an excerpt from an old post:
Once upon a time there was a lonely old woman who baked a gingerbread man that came to life. She was thrilled but not that surprised because she knew that if she was patient and prayed very hard sooner or later something magical would happen and she wouldn’t be lonely anymore. So she praised God and as she did so the gingerbread man got up and ran away.
apache savage
Murder Of Crows
Maureen J Andrade
bonnie bernstein
familyonbikes
Jerry DeNuccio
Salon.com
Comments
So do you. You do the best you can.
YES - YES - YES!
I think most every mother can relate to this. the fact that you see this is half the battle won. Life is hard sometimes and none of us is perfect. Loved the gingerbread man story & don't be too hard on yourself.
And, I thought I was the only one who adored her more at times when she sleeps...thanks for warming up that end of the bench for me to come join you for a cup of tea.
I am convinced that the dynamic between mothers and daughters (no matter how wonderful the daughter is) is very tricky and often downright painful. I hear you. Loud and clear._r
Froggy, I so appreciate your post--esp. your reaction when he gets up one more time--me too! Love to hear how others can relate.
Thank you trilogy. OS helps to not be too hard on myself, so great to hear others can relate.
You don't know how relieved I feel to hear about your post-camping reaction. Not that I want you to be unhappy, you understand, but just that it helps me understand that my own reactions are normal.
so true, cartouche, it's a wonder our species has survived...
I'm so glad to hear this Joan! I appreciate you letting me know you can relate.
I teach 12/13 year olds. I love spending my days with them and helping them through the whirlwind that is young adolescence. I expect their 12-year-old attitudes, and I help them work through it.
What really sucked is when my own two kids were that age (they're 18 and 20 now). The patience I had at work immediately disappeared when I walked into my own home. Talk about guilt! I had patience for 90 adolescents whom I didn't really love, but no patience for my own two whom I did really love.
I found the magic age with my daughter was 15. I know that sounds a lifetime away, but it'll be over in the blink of an eye.
So - you're not horrible. It's not because she's adopted. It's because she's TWELVE. Hugs to you!