You're a good mom; your daughter will thank you. Stand firm, I know from friends swimming upstream like you how difficult it is, but it's the right thing to do!

It is tough to be the mom of a teenage girl these days -- I'm hearing similar laments from concerned friends who are parents of girls. It is like a war "out there."

It's an uphill struggle - and we can only hope that one day we will learn while it looks like our kids are fighting against our counsel, that they actually ARE listening to us - while they struggle with unrelenting peer/media pessure. The most difficult part of this is when you live in a community surrounded by parents who don't share your concerns......

On a related note, last night I got in an argument with my 15 year old son about yet another, new, sneaky, onerous setting that Facebook just rolled out (a friend warned me about it so I could change my settings -- and I definitely do not want my child to have this setting, either).

Good rules, Caroline...how ever did I, now 47 years old, manage to live through Junior High without a cell phone? Easy. They didn't exist. Shopping was never on the pick a hobby list. Birdwatching, dancing, sports, and swimming in the ocean were. I was raised in a liberal environment in regard to movies and books. But, if one could happen upon Anais Nin at 17 years old, that was really something. xox

Hold your ground, you are doing the right thing. While I do not have a daughter, this is the way we raised our son. And to top it off WE DID NOT HAVE VIDEO GAMES. Shock, I'm shocked.

R for good parenting.

I appreciate your stance. I embrace the knowledge that boundaries and saying no is part of the rearing process of a child. She will someday, sooner than you might imagine understand and be grateful for your love and how you raised her. Really. R

thanks for the encouragement, antoinette
thanks nelly, I need to find similar-minded parents. Yikes about FB...my girl isn't on it yet
Thanks, Robin. Regarding books/media, I make a distinction between trash and art, sensuality, etc. Not that I would give her anais nin at 12, but we do watch & discuss(key element) some (probably) pg-13 classic movies.

You are right on track! My teen boys still come to me with great ideas" but my freinds can, insert phone, text, swim, stay out, whatever. I explain why they can't, that I love them and just possibly the other parents think they "show" love by saying yes to everything. OR that the other parents just want their child gone.
We still argue but as parents we do what we think is right.
You are doing the right thing someday your daughter will know that.

thank you, bernadine & sheila!
I was hesitant to post something so boring, but I need support.

thank you, LL
I routinely tell Penny that it's a lot less work to let your child do whatever they want, but that she's worth the extra effort.
She could give a rat's ass of course, but yes, someday she will.

ah, and now she just screamed at me because I told her she can't wear a skirt 3 sizes too small to school tomorrow...

janie-yours is perfect the way it is!

Stand your ground, Caroline. I am not a "strict" mom, but none of those rules are even a little bit restrictive. It's so hard when other mothers suck.:)
You are doing the right thing. Hang in there.~r

@The only way my daughter would have had a cell phone in middle school is if (as many urban kids do) she rode public transportation to and from school. It would be a safety issue. My daughter got her cell phone in high school when she started being out in the city going to school, etc. by herself.

thanks, joan. it was hard for me to believe that Penny was the only girl in her 5th grade crowd that didn't have one, but its true

This is the start of a new era. My daughter did become, largely, unrecognizable to me. I had done a good job. Was confident in myself as a mother -- oh-s0-certain that that meant smooth sailing. Uh huh.

I did look back on that confidence and held tight to it -- that confidence helped me to look forward, have confidence that both of us would get through to the other side. And we did.

My advice would be:

1. Swallow your "truth" sometimes and say what you know she needs to hear. "You're too hard on yourself" will get you much farther in conversation and revelation than "You are sooo lazy!!!" Both are true. Practice saying the phrases that will open doors when every fiber in your being wants to berate and scream.

2. If you're wavering between yes or no, say "Let me think about it." That gives you time to develop a conversation as to why you're saying yes or why you're saying no. After that, don't give in.

3. Admit your mistakes and your mixed feelings. Saying, "This is new to me too. I'm trying!!" bought me some sympathy and give when it seemed like there was none to be had, or when I'd blown it, blown my top, behaved badly.

4. Remember how hard it was to be that age. As hard as it is to be an an adult at 20, 30, 40, 50, 60, 70 + -- it's harder to be a teenager.

All of your rules sound reasonable, and pretty much mirrored the ones in our home. I'd only say that it's okay to admit that shopping is "fun" as long as you add the idea that no one should buy things beyond their means -- we loved doing thrift stores for unique vintage items, or garage sales so that shopping was fun but also a quest and within a budget.

Bell, I love that you took the time to pass along such solid advice and encouragement. #1 is especially useful for me to keep in mind. Thank you!

Good for you Carloine. I just raised 3 girls now into their 20's. It's not for the faint of heart. One actually recently told me she was glad that she didn't have everything handed to her on a silver platter like other kids she hung out with because it made her appreciate everything so much more. Ohhhh....it makes a mother's heart proud. So hang in there.

oh I bet that made you feel good, thanks trilogy.
yes kate, that's why what the other parents allow is so upsetting to me. Thank you for the luck, I'll need it!

I have an 11 year old granddaughter. We have worked to teach her to be not only a good family member but also a good citizen. Just when you think it is paying off one of her girl friends will be allowed to do something so outlandish that we're left reeling when we hear the news.

B.'s best friend is actually a boy who is one grade above her. His single dad said it all one day. "They are 11 year old kids with 15 year old minds". Too much exposure to television, movies, games and malls has done this to children but we have to keep swimming upstream. It is worth it.