When I was a 37 year old single woman without kids, I adopted a child who was almost eight years old.  In my  last post   I assessed my mothering abilities because I was feeling the need to sort out my own feelings about our situation.  I received encouraging and insightful feedback that really got me wondering what kind of mother I would be if I had given birth or raised my child from infancy.

 Here are some of my parenting experiences that have been unique to adopting an older child:

1. When my child first came to live with me, I vented to my cousin who said this:  "Every new mother worries that she doesn't know what she's doing...that she's doing a terrible job.  The difference here is that you are a new mother and your kid regularly says out loud to you, "You don't know what you're doing.  You're doing a terrible job."
2. Imagine having a 7 yr old in your charge who feels no connection to you and seems to hate you.  There were times when we were out in public that she would just take off running and then respond to me as if I was a stranger abducting her.  I guess I was.   When I picked her up from playdates, she would refuse to go with me.  I felt completely powerlessness.  Without a mother-child connection, I had to get really creative to maintain any control over her.
3. Not having watched my child grow and develop since infancy, I was more prone to being surprised or frustrated at what she couldn't comprehend, articulate or do rather than thrilled at her progress.  This really struck me one day when friends were marveling at something clever their toddler said.  
4. My daughter was born addicted to crack.  She is obsessed with sugar, more so, I believe, than the average sweet-toothed child.  She molds herself to win the approval of those around her.  With these three things in mind, I find it hard to convince myself that she might not one day develop an addiction problem. 
5. Prior to me, she lived on pop, hot pockets and donuts.  I have a lot of food sensitivities, and I eat much differently.  I try to compromise, providing her with some comfort foods from her past--but it is never enough.
6. By the time she was 6, my daughter had watched every freddy kruger or chainsaw massacre movie you can imagine.  She has seen adults, including her mother, have sex right out in the open.  This has probably fed my fanaticism about monitoring & discussing her media intake.
7. The people she lived with prior to me were racist.  In her early days with me there were numerous embarrassing moments, including the first time she saw our mail carrier and yelled, 3 times, while our windows were open, "There's a black man on our porch!"  If I had raised her from infancy, I would of course pay attention to teaching her my values.  The extra work I had though, was to un-teach her other people's values.
8. Speaking of un-teaching her, I remember the first time my 7 yr old  & I were playing a pretend game & she was the grown-up. I asked what kind of job she would like, and she replied "I'm going to watch tv and drink beer all day."   Oh, and there was the time I gave her a box of little fairy dolls--she took them out & began acting out some kind of  jerry springer episode, complete with "you stole my man" and lots of fairy on fairy brawling.
9. My daughter was abused and is terrified of angry adults.  Her history is written all over her face every time I show anger.
10. My daughter was neglected.  She lives in fear of not getting enough.  This has been expressed in many ways.  The good news is that her shoplifting habit was brief and I no longer have to hold my breath when we go through the security door at Target.
11. She loves me now.  She tells me this often, writes me love notes, likes to be physically close.  She has bonded to me and we have been given the therapist's stamp of approval that we are fully "attached."  She actually smiles at me now when she sees me arrive to watch one of her games.  Although she still calls me her aunt, she will actually tolerate others referring to me as her mother, which is a huge improvement.  That said, I know she would leave me to go back to her birth family quicker than I could get her coat.  At school, when she has to draw or write about her family, I am nowhere to be found.
12. I always have in the back of my mind that my time with her is condensed--I knew I'd get to go trick or treating with her 3 maybe 4 times tops, that there would only be a few times that I could play santa claus...I like to think this has made me more appreciative of our special moments together.