Autumn is lasting longer than it usually does in these parts. The blindingly yellow trees on the boulevard keep waking me from my trance and that is a good thing. While taking a walk, I picked up an overturned leaf then gasped when I saw its brilliant orange hue against its dark red veins. I laughed at myself for gasping, and there it was: awe, joy and silliness all displayed on a crunchy leaf.
Last year at this time, there was a snow storm outside and a child's funeral to get to. There was a deep dive into chaos as anguish filled my home. The last crumbly bits of my daughter's emotional foundation fell away and I was left to embrace the tiny monster that lived in my home.
Back then, my limbs shook. I ran out of the house many nights and cried at my own weaknesses, my inability to face my kid, let alone fix her. I fantasized about patching her up and delivering her into a healthy adulthood. The tiny glimpses of her sensitive, loving soul made visions of future mental hospitals and crack houses all the more gut-wrenching. I worked hard to stay in the present, but it was also a terrible place to be.
I had to put away my writing project. Shrieking, hysterical tantrums prevented my concentration. I printed up the pages, placed them in a box and hid them in the closet. I found them yesterday and nearly cried over the time and momentum that was lost, the story threads that are now forgotten. I can pick up the project again, but what if her shrieking fits resume?
Today my project is appreciating the momentary calm, the beautiful fall, and other simple pleasures. I am working towards finding the tiny part of God or Source or Love that is inside me, and nurturing it into full bloom. I am trying to detach myself from the future and all that I cannot control.
Why did I adopt a traumatized child? Knowing what I know now, would I still have done it?
The real question is: what would my life be like now if I had not?
I would not gasp at an orange leaf with red veins. I would not have someone else to blame for unfinished projects. There would not be a precious little spirit sitting on the couch with me, drinking cocoa and watching Little Women.
Instead, she would be out in the world, searching for someone who could see her soul through all the madness, even if for just fleeting moments. And I would be searching for ways to challenge my soul. It's true. I know it's true.
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James M. Emmerling
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Comments
'Course, I can't do it. But sometimes, just imagining that I could have changed things makes me feel a little less angry/afraid/whatever it is I'm feeling.
I'm sending you peace.
No answers, but I wish many moments of peace ahead for you, and your daughter.
thank you janie, I do try to count my blessings every day
thank you flw. I can't really picture what my life would be like w/o penny...I think when the question comes up, it's just a chance for me to take a moment & remember why things are just as they should be
Thank you, just thinking
♥R
Now I see something that I think I could have done differently that had nothing to do with behavior mod, or love, or parenting. They were fed a diet that included many rushed nights of fast food, hurrying from one activity to another, or just with a mom too tired to cook. You would not believe the mental problems that are created by the western diet alone! I had no idea. Food allergies are rampant and unrecognized and cause all sorts of problems from behavior disorders to asthma to headaches to arthritis and chronic fatigue.
As a parent, you know that something is wrong with a child that has constant tantrums, but what?!? What if it is their body, their brain, screaming for what is called "Deep Nutrition," as in the book by Catherine Shanahan MD? I have been following Dr. Terry Wahls's diet (from the web), which is actually pretty easy, all organic, but has NO fast food, chips, white sugar, or white flour. I WISH I had done it when my kids were young and I could control what they ate. Also, look for writings by Dr. Alan Greene, a pediatrition from California who has seen a phenomenal increase in childhood learning, mental and physical problems that he attributes partly to the increase in toxins in our environment and the American diet and (no) exercise habits. Please please try this. It can't hurt anything, once you all get used to eating fruits and veggies you may find your life a lot happier.
Best of luck to you. I know you will do the best you can, whatever that is. And you are finding some peace and joy, too. Good for you!
Namaste, Carol
C Berg, your story is inspirational to me.
Antionette, I haven't heard from you ages! So glad to see you here -- and you too owl, fusun, dianaani, froggy, mypsyche & alyssa.
Keka - Your comment gives meaning to why I keep posting, and why I think I will continue...
Glad you are gasping at autumns leaves and challenging your soul, and have found the time to write this post.