Good God, the street lights are on at 1:30 pm on yet another dark June afternoon.
I've been laying on the couch for days, only showering at night before going to meet friends for wine and conversation. It could be worse - I could have no friends.
I dropped Penny off at her friend's house on Friday and haven't talked to her since. I called up the mom last night to ask if she could stay another night. We had a bad connection so I didn't catch everything she said, but I'm sure a "yes" was in there somewhere.
What have I been doing while on the couch? Reading a novel called "Henny on the Couch" and also reading many, many blogs by ex-pat women living in Central America, the Middle East, Eastern Europe. I could spend many more days reading these blogs, looking at the pictures, wondering if I could live anywhere........where would I go?
I'd like to go everywhere, but probably won't go anywhere. Ever hear the saying "The roads of life are littered with flattened squirrels who couldn't decide fast enough which way to go" or something like that. (mabe I even read it on OS, can't remember.) I think about those squirrels a lot. It may be why I so impulsively started grad school last summer, even though there were so, so many different things I wanted to study or do.
On my counter right now are 2 jars of jams from an Amish farm. Penny bought them while on her church group biking weekend and every time I look at them I get an ache in my heart. She doesn't like jam, she bought them because she thought I would like them, and she picked them out and lugged them around and gave them to me.
Then she screamed and yelled about God knows what and found a thousand different ways to let me know she hates me. ATTACHMENT DISORDER. Maybe her therapist is right and her biggest fear is losing me. Waiting for something terrible seems worse than experiencing something terrible so she's trying to rush the process along and get it over with.
Thus my last post title of being a bad adoptive parent. I should be able to buck up and take her constant, shrill abuse. But I honestly feel that I can't. So Buck Up! I want to move to Panama: live cheaply and finish one of my writing projects. But parents put their kid's needs above their own. And on and on and on and on.
Meanwhile, the thought of having to pick up Penny and bring her home is freaking me out so much I've had the ringer off my phone all day.
I am flattened.
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remaining in this state of uncertainty, paralysis is only further alienating Penny, making things worse so my indecision/inaction is an act itself-- an act of suicide/self-sabotage
You can get through this, you are a strong woman, things will change and Penny will grow up and move away. She does love you just is incapable of showing her emotions, letting her guard down. I sound like I'm preaching, I'm sorry, but if you ever need an ear pm me I am right here and we can talk.
Please consider doing it soon.
If LL2 and I are both worrying similarly, there must be a reason for it.
r./
Please be very gentle with yourself. Whatever you may think, what you've done so far matters, you may be able to do more, you may not, there is only so much you can do. You're in my thoughts.
Counselling together seems to be the only solution. I know that feeling with the ringer off and I ran away.
It was not the answer.
HUGGGGGGGGGGG
(and exactly what Lunchlady 2 said.)
They do grow up. And when they do, you will get a phone call one day, telling you what a great mom you are. That day will probably come after she becomes a mom, and realizes, really realizes, for the first time, what it means to be a parent.
Lots of hard work and love. Thoughts and prayers are with you in your struggle.
They don't stop needing you when they grow up. Unfortunately, their problems only get more expensive!
No- nobody can take it- it is not take-able. I've been where you are and all that I can say is that it's horrible, and there is no real help out there for moms like us- but all of the 'professionals' are great at blaming us. I had my adopted (Eastern European orphanage) daughter- who I love very much- placed in a residential setting 6 years ago and I am still recovering. Only 'pre-traumatized' people like us (I also have a parent who is a 'lost soul', and the other was flat out abusive) would tolerate this level of insanity in our own homes. As with you, I knew that this adoption was meant to be, and that we needed each other on many levels. But the most important part of my learning curve has been to try to figure out how to protect, save myself. I'm still working on it. I hope your new therapist is dedicated to helping you save yourself.
Again- no human can take take what we have taken in our homes from these so sadly damaged children. And like you- I was a single mom. The only way I was able to let her go was to acknowledge that she was in charge- and that it wasn't good for her to allow her to continue to act that way.
I have never read such an honest account of what it is like to try to raise an attachment disordered child. And, you have been a wonderful mother to P.