New Years Day, 2009
You confuse me so much, oh daughter of mine. You seem so impossibly mature at times, yet at other moments you behave more like a tantruming brat then the 11 year old girl that you are. Girl? Young woman? Nymph? How do I characterise this in-between stage of yours? It frightens me more then anything else.
Some days I feel like shrinkwrapping you, keeping you in stasis in a closet so I can just pull you out at times and squeeze you to bits. Other times I would gladly throw you into a time machine and alternately turn you back into the perfect 8 year old, or send you into your thirties without a look back.
I don't know. I'm not even sure I know how to parent you properly right now. You push buttons in me I didn't even know I had, like the scene in Elf where he runs his hands up all the elevator buttons, lighting it up like a Christmas tree. That's me... all lit up with emotions firing everywhere.
I feel frightened because I look at you, look in you, and see me at your age. I see nothing of your father in you besides his blue eyes and a propensity to hate mornings. See, I so much want to do better by you then how I grew up. I want to make sure that I don't limit you based on my own perceptions, Girlie of mine, I want you to fly high and free.
Butfor all my talk, Momma bird really doesn't want to think of you growing up and leaving the nest. And while the reality of it might be years away, all your growth from here on in is just in preparation of that flight. And that's okay... that's what it's supposed to be. All the adolescent turmoil that's to come is so that you can separate for me/us appropriately. I *know* it's developmentally de rigueur, I'm well read and well aware on this topic but DANG!
Someone said being a mother was like living with your heart outside of your body. I can't think of truer words right now.
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Robin Sneed
the squirrel
Paul Levinson
madcelt
fingerlakeswanderer
Sandra Stephens
Salon.com
Comments
Just be prepared that soon, her peers will have more weight in her eyes than you will. So, if she declares one day that she 'hates' you, try to remember that they eventually grow out of that phase.....at least before you get to the point of killing them. ;-D
the best advice I got was "appreciate them each day, because they will never be exactly like that again".
Amen.
There she was at home alone watching shingles from our roof land in the back yard. The news stations were saying stay put. Not me. I moved heaven and hell to get home. When I got back, she was crying and said she was scared that I might have been hurt. I hugged her and told her now she knows how I feel every time she doesn't come home by curfew or at least call me. Just one sentence.
Communication becomes key. That and love. Those two will take you from now until eternity.
Sheesh!
My youngest is my mini-me and she's 16. Every day I think she tries to come up with ways to prove she's NOT me. I understand that but it hurts. It lays your soul bare, I tell you. The upside is, there will be two adults roaming the earth with a caring attitude and someday .... grandchildren I pray. Thanks again for sharing how you feel... makes me feel a lot better. Only a caring parent understands this. It is like the first umbilical cord breaks physically, rather quickly with a scalpel, but there is a second one that stretches and stretches and hurts before it ends up in an eternal spiderweb linking you. But remember the spider web is one of the strongest and most resilient of materials. Bless you!
Good luck, dear ... just remember to enjoy the time you have together ... regardless of her temperment and interesets.
hugs for the Momma!!!
LC
Thanks of for posting this!
( Since I have a wonderful, smart, witty, curious, caring, I'm-thrilled-with-how-she's-turned-out 20 year old daughter who is/was a mini-me, I feel a little bit qualified to share advice. I adore her and always have. At the same time, no one in the world can drive me as crazy as she does.
What I remember from those pre-teen years is this: they really need you to be around. Even whey they act like they soooo don't want you around, they need it and secretly want it. Hang out in the living room/tv room/whatever room when she is. Have her go on errands with you. Offer to drive her and the friends places. (Windshield time is the best time - especially for pre-teen and teenagers who are loathe direct eye contact.) Know that when you're together, she's watching you and observing and taking mental notes. Later, she'll try out what she saw you do, usually in front of you. This will drive you nuts because an 8 year old doesn't need to be acting like an adult for heaven's sake, but that's what they do. They test out what they've seen and learned and they see if they can do it. They don't know why, but they do. And then they really don't know why you (we) get frustrated when they're just doing what they saw us do.
Bottom line, she acts like you because she adores every part of you.
She is gorgeous, by the way. What a cutie pie!
and I remember... 11 is so close to 13... 11 really is the new 13 anymore, isn't it?
I love the pics. Really love them.
I called my daughter 'girlie' all the time too. Still do. She calls me Lady Jane. And no, my name isn't Jane.
My son's college counselor asked me what I thot was an odd question: "What do you know about Einstein's kids?" After a pregnant pause, I said "Nothing." "You think that might be part of the problem?" he replied.
Not that any of us are Einstein, but the smarter, wiser, more well-read, more talented, more experienced you are, the harder it is for you child to find his or her own identity. As parents, we know we're not competing (well, good parents aren't), but trust me, the kid is always competing -- and usually falling short.
The first time my son beat me at chess -- around 12 -- he walked around with a smile on his face for a week. What he didn't understand was that I was far happier that he beat me than I would have been if I had beaten him again. That's when you know you are at least on the road to being a grown-up yourself.
Rated
All the best,
Greg
(oh, and Open Salon freaking rocks. Thank you, too, editors.)
Good luck with your beautiful girl.
I called it "the dark years." You will both be okay, but it is tough.
x nada
2. like the rest of us you wonder where the darn operating manual is
3. It gets even more interesting soon
4. Never forget that for girls middle school is a hell that has no limit, if you can help her with that, you are an angel
5. you are in the top 2%
I loved eleven in myself and my daughter. It is right on the edge of childhood. My daughter cried on her twelth birthday because she was aware that she was leaving childhood behind...
You will do great!
they were only 13 months apart both girls so I had my hands full. So I know what you are going through.
I think the pre-teens were hardest on them and myself. Keep your chin and just smile the aliens will bring your child back.lol They did mine (such).
BUT, they hit a very difficult period when they reach middle school or junior high. If they have flaws of any sort, their peers will find them and rip on them. If they are pretty, precocious and perfect--then their classmates will rip on them for being just that. There is no escape. It's a rough time. Maybe it's just me, but I have more vivid memories of the rotten things I did to other kids at that age than I do of the rotten things they did to me.
I can only offer school-related advice when it comes to girls--especially teens--since I only have boys and they are younger than that.
1) Be the rock of love and support you already are. She will value her peers an inordinate amount in the next few years, but there are times she will really need you. Suddenly a school/peer friendship might turn south on her. Then she will need to cry on your shoulder. Of course, a week later they're best friends again and you have nothing but a soggy shoulder...but that's your job.
2) There is a lot of bile and ugliness being thrown around in middle school. It's unavoidable. Work very hard to try and insure that your child is doing as little of the throwing as possible. She may have to defend herself at times, but many kids seek out conflict at this age. Try to steer her away from that. And for heaven's sake, DON'T YOU START! Believe me, we have mom's who get in there to defend their child and end up cyber-bullying and rumor-mongering with the best/worst of the kids!
3) GENTLY encourage her to continue doing her best with her studies. Personality flaws or weaknesses are constantly attacked by her peers. She will strive to be perfect in their eyes. Don't pile on more pressure--but at the same time, don't let her completely fall off and focus on other things. I realize that's a difficult line to walk, but it's a necessity.
I think I just wrote a post instead of a comment. Sorry.