Last winter, I wrote about my evening on the set and eating at the restaurant for the taping of Hell’s Kitchen.  Nine months later, just like a baby, this star episode is finally about to be born.  I couldn’t tell you much about the experience then and I still can’t say much about it now, until after the episode airs.  Those damn release forms. 

My water is breaking, I tell ya.

But today, I can deliver some news!  Spoiler alert: Tonight, you can finally see the carnage may just catch the slightest glimpse of me and even maybe hear me speak on one of two episodes of Hell’s Kitchen.  Don’t ask me which one.  They don’t tell you these things.  On top of that, they don’t let you reveal much information about what went on behind the scenes either, starting from the moment they pried took my cell phone from my hands and had us all sign numerous documents written with font the size of a pinhead. .

This is great news, isn’t it?  Sure, except I won’t be home to witness the slice and dice of this four hour ordeal that became the one-hour episode in all its glory.

In a cruel and ironic twist of fate, I am also dealing with a real life version of Hell’s Kitchen, sans film crew, celebrity chef or promise of much more than indigestion.  A friend of mine owns a piece of property that happens to be leased to a restaurant.  For some time now, they have been having the equivalent of kitchen nightmares and Gordon Ramsay is not the least bit interested nowhere to be found to help right this sinking ship.  Like the runner-up in some beauty pageant, I’ve been asked to fulfill those duties.

How is it possible that on the night the episode of Hell’s Kitchen is finally going to air that I’m going to be scrutinizing food and service that is probably far more questionable than anything I tasted that fateful evening back in Los Angeles and not nearly as much fun?  Is there no justice?  I guess not.

Hell’s Kitchen airs two episodes in row tonight beginning at 8 pm est on Fox.  Look for me dining with chef Josiah Citrin of two star Michelin rated Melisse Restaurant sitting at a two top.  I’m the one with the short hair.  He’s the handsome one.

I’ll suppose I’ll just have to wait until later on tonight or tomorrow to watch my 15 seconds minutes of fame.  I'm sure the footage won't include the absolute shock that registered on my face when I saw that Jean-Philippe was no longer the Maitre' D and had been replaced by a nervous guy who annoyed me as much in person then as he does on the show now.  James Lukanik, is no Jean-Philippe, I can assure you.  I wanted to peel his deer-in-the-headlights fear and affected acccent off me from the minute I heard him open his yap and every time he neared our table after.   I'm so glad I can finally say that.  At least, I lived to tell about it.

I can’t be so sure of the same outcome after this evening’s meal.

I’m going to hell and back.  Pass me the Rolaids.

UPDATE:  I'm not lying.  It was a really rough night!  I watched the show this morning and saw myself for about five seconds total (my hands got more play) and could hear myself say, "All righty then" when our food finally arrived).   CLICK HERE TO WATCH the episode.