Cartouche's Blog

Writing My Way Out of Something


Someplace, somewhere else, USA
February 09
Mind My Own Business
Artist, former newspaper columnist and restaurant critic. Award-winning author of "In Pursuit of Excellence". In my spare minute I can be found blogging here, on Huffington Post and other places that don't pay and (more often) writing for some places that do. Occasionally I tweet random thoughts and observations as @nonconfromist. I keep the really good ones to myself.


NOVEMBER 12, 2010 10:49AM

The Perfect, Sexy Man and What to Call Him

Rate: 45 Flag

Maybe it’s because even at the age of 50, I am still capable of having romantic notions.  Maybe it's because I like working with my hands and  my idea of sexy has as much to do with intelligence, razor sharp humor, grace, impeccable manners, charm, natural (not the affected, “I have a Black American Express Card” version of) sophistication, dignity, and a bon vivant approach to life as much as it has to do with a built-in, factory guaranteed good-as-gold heart, little boy curiosity and playfulness (is a dose of Cary Grant charm too much to ask for?), a Swiss-precision-remembers-everything calendar and noble sensibilities. 

It doesn’t hurt if he also flashes a brilliant smile, opens the door reflexively, exhibits a certain cool, often practices (creative) dexterity horizontally as well as vertically, enjoys dining as much as he enjoys eating (don’t go there, please) and doesn’t mind wearing Armani.  And he looks damn good in it.

Did you happen to notice there was not a single thing about physical looks in that description?

If I could, I would build from scratch or cut and paste all those qualities onto one man and never be hungry again.  It doesn’t matter if he has long or short, silver or dark, wavy or close-cropped hair (or even none at all) as long as it’s washed.  However, lack of cleanliness, neatly trimmed nails or excellent dental hygiene are deal breakers.  Non-negotiable.  If any of those things have been abandoned, all the cologne, kindness or money in the world won’t convince me that when I kiss you I’m not ingesting something that’s been hanging out in your mouth longer than “The DaVinci Code” was on the New York Times Best-Seller List. 

In a perfect world, the perfect guy would come equipped with all of the above qualities, never break my heart, keep his word, be kind and compassionate, respect women, remember to put the seat down (and wash his hands always) after using the toilet, give excellent massages (or pay for them), make some sort of impact or difference in the lives of others, enjoy what he does for a living, tip generously, love animals, be neatly shaven, know how to cook a couple of things in the kitchen (and clean up afterward) and still find me to be the most fascinating woman on the planet when all is said and done.

It’s a lot to ask, I know. I can dream, can't I?

But would these qualities make this nonexistent guy “The Sexiest Man”?  Nope.  It would make him much more than that.

It would make him “Mansome” if not one of the “Mansomest Men of All”.

Looks aren’t everything.

And the Mansomest Men of All know this better than any woman.

Which is what makes them utterly irresistible.





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Patricia, ". . . the man behind door number 3417 1/2: please come out!"
I call him "Mike" and I no desire to look behind any other door than the one to my bedroom. Sappy? Sure -- but true.
I will take Larry for 200 cartouche.
Rated with hugs
Ms. Stim judges the sexiness of men on her "Cary Grant Is God" scale. At first I thought that meant that I had to shower while wearing my suit.*

*see Charade
The special woman in my life has her own opinion on any mansomeness I may possess...but as for my perspective on your question? You're not asking for too much at all.
"Maybe it’s because even at the age of 50, I am still capable of having romantic notions." Give it time -- you'll get over it. Was that encouraging or what?
Looks aren’t everything, is absolutely right. I've known some particularly unattractive men to be incredibly sexy. They know it, too. Very "mansome" and irresistible they are. Apart from the much younger women in his life, GC is definitely mansome but he also happens to be especially handsome.

Thanks for the laugh.
We'd never get along. I don't bathe.
Cartouche, I'm guessing you missed that article recently about Clooney showing up on the set with a piece of spinach dangling from his teeth and nobody told him about it until the end of the day. My condolences, dear girl.
He's a dream. And for all you folks who keep insisting that looks aren't everything...I got a little short fat guy missing his two front teeth.
I asked my wife if that described me. I'll tell you when she stops laughing.
Perfect description. Still, I cling to my longing to spend the night with Sean Connery.
rated with love
You're right about looks, although they don't hurt. I find that great intelligence, compassion, and a sharp bit of wit do the trick for me!
Got described my guy perfectly, although neither of us shaves very often........

Let's hear it for LARRY! (and hope that he bathes.....)

Rated for your romantic nature, and always fun writing.
Was gonna write something witty like, "You called?" but I'm still laughing from Cordle's comment. . . . . .
Kindness, honor, wisdom and personal hygiene--they've gotta have them all.

Love the term "Mansome"

All I really need is a man who can cook (because god knows I can't), who gets my sense of humor and whom I find humorous as well, and who is as smart as me (but preferably quite a bit smarter, so that his intellect matches my slightly-inflated perception of my own). My husband is rough around the edges and quite frankly I do not think track pants should be worn anywhere but a track nor sandals anywhere but the beach, but he's quick-witted, can kick my ass at chess and makes some mean baby-back ribs, so I think I'll keep him. :)
Doggone it, cartouche, you've got my man's picture in your post again! And you know which one that is, you man-grabber. In the meantime, you'd better hope that Mansomest Man in the World doesn't float down from heaven in Atlanta instead of wherever you are in Florida. I'll definitely be staking my claim!

"even at the age of 50 . . . "?!!!

honey, I'm 64 and still capable of having romantic notions
@Roy: So when are you coming out to Florida....? (pitter pat, pitter pat).
Cartouche, you find me a guy like that anywhere in the known universe and I'LL marry him.
"neatly trimmed nails or excellent dental hygiene are deal breakers. Non-negotiable"
You are right and I support this one...
Can you just floss and brush your teeth? is it simple and it will give you great rewards... kisses hummm
Great post
Rated for entertaining
Yes please I would very much like one of those to go!
I would add "democrat" to my list. There's sexual tension and then there's .... well you can imgine..
HA! Somebody needs to start paying me royalties on that door photograph! So right there with you on the teeth and nails. My husband and I had little in common on our first date but I couldn't pass up his impeccable hygiene. ~r
There's nothing wrong with having clear specifications. These are not unrealistic requirements. This is written so wistfully, so gentlewomanly, I'll eschew the wisecracks.
What to call him? "Greg", silly. Except he's married, and happily.

Greglike persons are also good.

I stopped short at this: "even at the age of 50" -- what?! our biology doesn't even get manageable until about 35. At 55 I am not no "even". I am finally in charge of urges and surges.

Women are exactly the same. Even literary women get confused ("Call me IsMale" -- ok! good enough!), and often confuse standing around with Stand Up.

When I was at my youngest and yummiest -20 to 27 - I was a single parent with a daughter. Despite all the sound and furry/fuzzy about looking for a good man, it took 7 years for me to find a woman who didn't flee from the responsibility of instant family, or who was too attracted, for the wrong reasons. Women my age in the late 70s wanted to enjoy cool dudes, not be responsible.

You, cartouche, are a peach. and you deserve a mansome peach, not some pit-iful ape-ricot. 50 is super fine.
George Clooney probably farts just like the rest of us. all your descriptors are perfect but he has to let me fart along with everyone else, or the deal is off.
@ did you know I was missing both front teeth and am both short and fat???

Nice piece, Cartouche...and I refer to the post. :)
I think I need to update my profile...
I love how you put ED I TOR in your tags. Very clever!
It is so great that you are jonesing on Clooney, because that leaves Larry for the rest of us. I bet he looks just as good standing around in a pool as Clooney, even in the baggy plaid polyester swim trunks I suspect he wears.
Who's the old guy in the water?

Dunno what you ladies call your loving, attentive guy - but I call mine 'Darling.'
Well, there are some specific goals to shoot for. Lots of them. Nothing wrong with that. There will then always be room for improvement in any case. If one were to get bored with one particular set of shortcomings, one could always switch to an entirely different set of shortcomings.

I did in fact mentally check off a whole bunch of these things on Leepin's score card. Perhaps not nearly enough, but a whole bunch nonetheless.
Oh had me until "never break my heart". Breaking hearts is what I do. But later they all smile.
I like your list. I am very lucky to have found a sweetie who meets pretty much all these criteria. I feel sure you will too., manly, man oh man, sweetie, honey, hubby, partner, lover. As long as he's around to love and be loved in return, I don't much care what he's called.
somehow Clooney feels too good to be true

it seems no one notices these are pretty high standards, I shudder to think what the guys' list would encompass
humans usually end up being quite flawed after all

but more George for you all the same!
fun post
Find a guy like that and I'll marry him!
So I take it that John Belushi in Animal House wasn't your cup of tea?
@Abrawang: It also rules out Larry, Moe and Curly. And a lot of other people.
Fair enough then but as we say in politics, don't let the perfect be the enemy of the good.
I could apply that same logic to the "average" Abra.....
I don't expect for a moment you'd ever settle for average cartouche. And you'd be sorry if you did, though perhaps not as sorry as Mr. Average. Perhaps targeting a B+?
The earth will shake the day the Clooney gets married. Hopefully that's never, unless it's Cartouche. Or me.
Yes, you can dream. You have an inalienable as a human being to that.
You forgot "Does what I say." That's my deal breaker.
Kind and compassionate are weighted more heavily than other variables for me.

But, nice list. I hope you find him.
Too late. I rolled into him this morning, before he'd brushed his teeth. That spinach thing is pretty unappetizing...