Adventures in Repatriation

Cassandra Seer of Doom

Cassandra Seer of Doom
The Heartland, United States
December 31
I used to live in rural Japan, teaching babies through adults how to talk the English. Now I'm trying to find my way in a country that's both a stranger and more home than ever.

Cassandra Seer of Doom's Links
SEPTEMBER 2, 2009 5:30PM

My Idiot Cousin's Janky Website Earned him Slot on Fox News

Rate: 14 Flag

Though I'm finding them increasingly scarce, I can respect the thinking conservative.  It's important to understand the opposition and address their concerns when based on legitimate facts and analysis.  My cousin is not a thinking conservative.  He's a regular white guy from a certain kind of upbringing who feels very strongly about soundbites and platitudes without examining them.  And he has political aspirations.

I was introduced to his facebook persona a little over a year ago, exchanged some nice messages, and I tried to reconcile the person I knew with the inflammatory propaganda littering his page.  I witnessed the inception of his website, which at first claimed to be a nonpartisan political forum (why do so many Republicans try to disguise themselves as independents?) and it looked like ass.  Not even normal ass, but festering, pustule-ridden baboon in heat ass.  In fact, that assy baboon is probably the one who designed the website.  He created a fanpage for his site, and of course at first only friends and sympathetic family members like myself became fans.  

In time, he dropped the nonpartisan ruse and developed an internet radio show.  He was clearly angling to be the next Rush Limbaugh.  I listened to his first show, which was about two days after the inauguration.  He sounded beat-down, he mumbled about how he was scared for the future and hadn't ruled out election fraud, and starting rambling about some of the ways he was scared.  He mentioned the moves to bring the detainees at Guantanamo to trial as terrifying and deplorable and un-American.  He actually got a caller who asked what he proposed we do with the detainees instead.

"I just... I don't know.  We can't... I don't know," was essentially his reply.  The caller  mentioned that even if John McCain were president, the outcome in that situation would probably be pretty similar because "We gotta do something with those guys."

I stopped listening, threw down my headphones, and ranted to my boyfriend about people who conveniently ignore parts of the constitution about the right to a fair trial even for noncitizens and habeas corpus.  

 I decided not to listen to his show after that, but I was still privy to his status messages and listening party invitations.  I got to read his remarks about Obama being a Muslim communist from Kenya sent to destroy America, and other gems.  I watched his friends gradually grow into the thousands, and saw his guests become more and more high-profile.  

 I was reluctant to call my cousin an idiot on the internet, because he's family and I love him.  Then I remembered that through his status messages and blog posts directed at all liberals, he's not only effectively called me an idiot, he's called me a socialist, a nazi, a babykiller, a fascist, un-American, and oh, an ugly fat chick, because all us liberal women are.  Worse than that, he's actively personally trying to deny me healthcare.  I have a lot at stake in a public option, as do my mother and my sister, because I don't know if we can even get insurance otherwise.  He's working as hard as he can to spread the word that giving me the opportunity to  receive affordable healthcare is evil nazi socialism.  And he has a lot more influence than me.  

 Well, cuz's website is looking a little better, but it's still janky as all fuck. I took a listen to his most recent show, the sound quality has had little to no improvement, and the insight certainly was as lacking as before.  The one thing that changed is his level of confidence.  He was certainly self-assured and smug as he laughed with his phoned-in co-host about the death of Ted Kennedy and his socialist policies.  I stopped listening after about thirty seconds.  Now I find out that he's going to be appearing on a popular pundit's show on Fox News.  

 I've seen a lot of shit-ass websites in my day that look to be designed by a twelve year old kid's half-blind chihuahua, sites both liberal and conservative that puke propaganda and half-formed opinions into a janky interface.  I gotta say that I've never seen the liberal websites getting legitimate attention from the media.  It makes me sad and honestly jealous, that here I am, newly unemployed and unable to pull myself out of this rut, while self-propelled idiots take over my world.  

 I know I'm whining.  It's my blog, I can do that.  And I know it's my biggest flaw that I'm an introvert, that I'm the opposite of a self-starter, that I get mired in depression and self-doubt.   While I'm doing this, another Limbaugh is born and ready to take the media by storm.  

I try hard to understand and support my family no matter what.  At least I can be proud that he earned his slot on Fox News by having a crappy website rather than by bringing a loaded weapon to a town hall. 

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Oh, man. You're a better woman than I. Seriously. He'd be so off my Xmas Card list. (Not that I have one, atheist heathen that I am, but you know.)
Conservatives have always been around. Cain was a conservative. Their voices rise and fall according to the intelligence of those around them. So his voice getting a hearing says more about us than him.

But if you take away the harm these people do, it's really pretty funny to see these glorified 12-year-olds spouting mindless propaganda, hoping to join the confederacy of dunces - and then seeing the dunces welcome him in. Satire in real life, gotta love it!

"Cyborg dogs bark at me
"But they know not why." aren't a fat ugly Muslim socialist babykiller?

Rated for having the patience to put up with your relatives.
I love this post, starting with the title! Rated.
wasn't it Yeats who said, "The best lack all conviction, while the worst are full of passionate intensity...." sounds like it's still as true today as ever. I sympathize because I have family members like your cousin, though thankfully none are appearing on Fox news. (yet).

Your descriptions of his website are beyond wonderful though and I'd vote for you in a heartbeat to speak on the Rachel Madow show...if only there were justice in the world...
It's so easy to be a conservative- just stroke people's worst instincts, fears and jealousies. It's much harder to be a liberal- you are asking people to think new thoughts and challenge the way they have been living their lives.
So I recently vowed to never appear in my own comments again, but I think I'm revising that edict, because reading all of your comments put a smile on my face, which is no easy task these days. Instead, I'll just limit my presence in the comments to thanking all of you.

Harry-- It is kinda funny, but would be funnier if it weren't actually successfully blocking my healthcare.

Leeandra-- I like to think I'm not a fat ugly Muslim socialist, but all the babies I kill are totally asking for it.

friendlyarcher5-- That story is tragic. I can't imagine that mindset either. It makes my family look like beacons of tolerance by comparison. One of my cousins came out a few years ago, and while everyone is praying for him and generally believe he's going to hell, he's at least invited to family functions. They say they love and support him, but not his "lifestyle choice".
I'll have you know that not all of us baboons break out with festering pustules when in heat. And a few of the neighboring troupes are excellent web designers. Between this and Sheldon the Wonderhorse's post today, I gotta talk to our PR agent. Someone's not earning his sack of oranges this week.

Seriously Cassandra, if you aren't going to talk to cuz, who will? He sees fame and money in his future. In the end, he may not care, but you owe it to both of you to try and make him understand that he's demeaning you with his assy pronouncements.
Janky is my new favorite word. You describe baboon ass beautifully. The story of your cousin's rising fame scares me. You're my new favorite.
You are soooo funny! I love it. I am sitting here laughing because it's all so crazy and so true. I'm not even pissed off at them at the moment you make it sound so ridiculous. Yep. Over half of our relatives are stuck in the mire of Bushism and ultra-conservative fascism. Of course, they don't know the definition of fascism or they wouldn't be calling Obama both Hitler and a Communist. They probably don't know the definition of Communism either. And, I'm being as much a righteous butt-head as they are. I would be much nicer if they ever read my blog. I do love my family, and I appreciate their good qualities. The funny thing is....we share the same values. I do know that none of us are moving our positions. We've butted heads for years; long enough to rattle our brains to Alzheimer's and back. Who knows...except that I know our country can't go on with these escalating health care costs, and a failing health care system. With ONE PAYER health care, I will live happily ever after! Amen.
You should call in, tell them you're his cousin and when you get on the air you tell the oh-so-cute story of the time you caught him whacking off to the Sears catalog - or worse, to a picture of Jimmy Carter.

Or ask him if his conversion from homosexuality is sticking.

And no matter what, whatever he says, just reply, "Homo says what?"
Stim-- I apologize for my gross overgeneralizations about baboons.
You may be whining as you say, but it's a GOOD whine. Perhaps you're the one in need of a show. I'd tune in.

Very good, sharp, casual and just on the right side of mean post.

Though I'd differ with you on one point: I don't think you need to love someone because they're family. We're all family, at the risk of sounding cliche. And sometimes our biological family can suck ape balls.

Thank you for the laugh! I, too, have the conservative relatives - it makes holidays interesting - but thank heavens they aren't on national television. I'd hate to have to ruin Christmas by giving an honest opinion of their performance.
Thank you everyone for the comments. Comments make me happy! Well, depends on the comment, but these ones did.