lol@ cat

but seriously... who is cheating on any man who is attentive enough to notice all these details of clothes, shoes, hair, lack of make-up etc? and why?

Really? This silly tripe gets an editor's pick?? Pathetic.

Was this comedy? LOL

Otherwise, why not just leave if you want to cheat. If you have to go through all these steps to fuck around . . .just leave.

-R-

If you don't want to be in a committed relationship, you shouldn't be in one. No cheating necessary.

This was pure humor. I thought maybe Elin "Tiger" Woods wrote this.

I find this more sad than funny.

An Editor's Pick to suffer through THIS? Next time I'll trust not the Editor.

Send me a PM.

Huh.

This system also works if you are a super-hero or spy.

Don't forget to program a divorce lawyer's number into that cell phone -- you're gonna need it!

Nick -- LOL

It's true that a bath will dissolve the smell of previous indiscretions, but there's no miracle bubble bath in the world that can erase the skank.

Playa plays the game as Playa does ... that's why there's so few playas -- the actual game isn't visible to the average eye. Hawaiian vacation?

IMUA

This is more work than I want to do for what I can only expect will be mediocre sex and a lot of guilt. I think I'll take a vibrator and a gallon of gelato and get the same experience, and won't have to disfigure my car.

She forgot-

since your lover is probably about as committed to you as you are to your husband and you're effectively sleeping with whoever it is your lover is cheating on you with, and so on, down the line, be sure to regularly schedule a visit to the V.D. clinic, anonymously so when you get served divorce papers you haven't left a paper trail.

Of course it won't do any good if she happens to catch herpes or AIDS, but there's at least a small chance that she won't pass it on to her stupid, faithful husband- the fool.

"hey where's your mom and dad?"

" they're both dead. My mom cheated on my dad and got AIDS then gave it to him"

That's an implausible scenario because... why exactly?

AIDS doesn't happen to middle class women?

You're WAY too cool and sexy for AIDS- you drive a Lexus SUV for crissakes?

You would know if your lover had AIDS?

Your lover would know if his other lovers , especially the men, have AIDS ?

You KNOW your lover isn't bi.. you know that for a FACT...?

The entire purpose of this post isn't to give women tips on how to have affairs; they've been doing that for a while now. The purpose of the post is to alienate men from women and plant the seed of doubt in their minds about the solidity of their relationships.

For those men- this is not normal female behavior any more than it's normal male behavior. If you're sure your wife loves you, know you're wife isn't doing this, isn't thinking about doing it and would be repulsed by the whole scenario. This is the voice of a sadistic sociopath and your wife is probably not one. Such people are rarely wives of anyone for long.

Anyone who's dated and been cheated on has a hard time getting past that experience. That's the fact she's looking to exploit, basically because she hates men, except as an object to express her sadism. To wit:

Twice a week is perfect and you will need your "husband's support" in watching the children so that you can attend.

Tell him that you wished he were with you and that everyone is tired of hearing you constantly rave about your husband. Ask him if he will have the bath ready and running when you get home.

Pop a breath mint and call your husband again to remind him to run the bath. Ask him if he needs anything from the grocery store on the way home.

Be mindful that your husband may want to make love when you return, but stay calm. Slipping into the tub will erase all smells associated with your previous activity and the sight of you stripping into the tub will erase all doubt he may have had and replace it with his appreciation for your sexual appetite.


The people who are telling her to break up with him if she feels like she has to cheat don't get her. It's not her point. Her point is to be with him and cheat.

I recommend "The Sociopath Next Door" by Martha Stout , a great read and a book that will explain all those people in your life, who like the author of this column, just didn't seem to make any sense to you.

http://www.amazon.com/Sociopath-Next-Door-Martha-Stout/dp/076791581X

OK, I've chewed it over and I think I finally understand.

Jocelyn Testes-Harder, this is your new alter ego, isn't it? You just cut out a few exclamation points.

Whe my ex wife cheated on me it was long before cell phones. She just stayed out all night and she had to work overtime. The tip off for me was when I came home from work and her bf was sitting on the couch drinking a beer. I guess woman are more sophisticated today.

I thought The Lady doesn't cheat, Unless the Lady is a Tramp. This is either a serious satire or seriously sad. And the list...no man is worth all of this work. I'll take my husband, straight up.

My grandfather also had a choice comment: " The screwing you get isn't worth the screwing you are going to get." This is dangerous territory to even joke about, especially if children are on board. I was a spectator as a child of both parents playing this game, and the only thing it taught me was... steer clear of this nonsense.

Lying requires a long memory.
Was this written to see how many people would get offended?
What Feed the Cat said. Honestly. No car should suffer so.

Wow someone gave this alot of thought! Cake and eat it too!

This is disgusting.

Minis don't have trunks or spare tires, so I guess this wouldn't work for me. Darn.

Hmmmm . . . so who is she sleeping with to get an EP?

If it were a joke it wouldn't have plausible tips. Three cheers for the modern woman. Another reminder why I don't want a relationship anymore.

Kasey-you are my favorite. Your comment is perfect. There is nothing humorous here. This is the shit that ruined my 16 year marriage but it destroyed much more than that.

Whoever gave this an EP has their head up their ass.

wow, sounds exhausting!!!
is it really worth the trouble??
anyway... can I have a date? :p

so does your husband take care of you sexually? is this just the adventure scenario??

Cate- don't listen to the haters. This is obviously an EP because it stirs up emotions-- look at how many friggen people have commented.

icky

monogamy== "all or nothing"

With all due respect, Incandescent . . . being in a mutually "open" relationship (that isn't cheating in my book) is a much different thing than sneaking around and deceiving the person you made a commitment to.

Like I said before (to the author), why not just leave if your going to such lengths to cheat? The point you made was a good one, find a relationship and partner that suits what you want. :) I agree with that.

LadyMiko,

You're right. It just took me to my 3rd wife to figure that out, and get it.

poor puny humans, the elaborate lengths you must go to, to love more than one person simultaneously .... so that your puny heads dont explode ....

Sorry, Incandescent . . hehe. :)

This just makes me tired. I guess I'm not the cheating type. Not just because of the lying or the betrayal of another human being who has feelings or because of the potential disease factor but because, really, it's just so banal. Plus, who has the time for this stuff?

I clicked on this "risque" title hoping it would be something witty.

It wasn't.

Ditch the husband and do what you want. No judgment here, but all that sounds exhausting!

(And have cell phones made cheating easier or more difficult? I can't figure out the variables.)

Had to write a retort:

http://www.opensalon.com/blog/snap

How to Cheat on Your Husband: A Revisionist Theory.

Enjoy!

A post like this practically demands a cartoon avatar, don't you think? Jessica Rabbit is taken, but maybe that feline lover of Pepe Le Pew's would do.

How to lie , more Crap Editor's Pick makes me sick.

too much work.

This post doesn't make any sense. Why would you hide a cell phone you found in a slit you made in the car seat, after claiming you found the phone?
Why wear panties at all?
You didn't mention or give any tips on how to remove semen stains from your clothing, interior of your car or your hair.

Not rated for many reasons.

So when one woman writes corny and sexist "I am nor sleeping with you today because you don't pick up your socks", she gets a lot of praise (and editor's pick), but when another woman writes something different and spicy, all of a sudden she is a tramp and her editor's pick costs nothing? Lighten up, "non-cheating types who care about other people feelings"!

sort of a female version of james bond?

or maybe humans are sometimes like ostriches, head in the sand, reality disappears

You gotta wonder about anyone that thinks this is a serious post. It is obviously written by a ringer. Professional art work, new poster, and an EP? It doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure this one out.

But as long as we are on the subject, lets consider 'cheating'. Cheating is such a loaded term. And a bit harsh. I would suppose someone serious would more likely say that they are merely bending the rules. Flexible.

But perhaps we are talking about betrayal. And cheating with both a capital C and a little c. All those minor betrayals.

Like stuff that pops up in comments all the time. Like stuff people would simply say 'pffft' about. These little misdemeanors of the heart. OS is full of people casually fessing up to them, frequently for a laugh.

The James Bond crap is hilarious. Hide the particularly inexplainable evidence in the spare tire compartment of your car? Umm, you have a husband as I recall. Who is most likely to look into the spare tire well for innocent reasons, like making sure the spare is full and the jack is there? Not to sound sexist, I hope, but I know who it would be in my family. Mutilating the seats is right up there too.

All the stuff about calling your husband in the middle of your "indiscretion", repeatedly asking him to draw you a bath....I'm sorry, how stupid are the men on your planet again? Trying wayyyy too hard merits suspicion on planet Earth.

I like the "underwear in the trunk" option - especially if I get a flat and manage to pull over some hunk to change it for me :o)

Awesome.
Monogamy is like being anti-abortion: you have a right to your opinion, but don't hold it up for the rest of us as some kind of morally superior posture.
However.....in this rather feminized forum, I am QUITE sure that a column entitled "How to cheat on your wife" would never be picked for the cover page.
Double standard.

Who are you, lady? Wait, I get it: You caught your husband in flagranti, or found incontrovertible proof of his affair, and this is your way of getting back at him. Take it from someone who's been there: you're better off going to the wine-tastings.

I'm only about a dozen into the comments, but doesn't anyone get that this is a retort at all the "Tiger's/John Edwards stupidest mistakes" list?

@Martina--No. And don't tell me or anyone else what to do or think. What you find 'spicy' I find sleazy and kind of lame. I guess we'll have to agree to disagree.

Really? This is what the editors consider a worthy post? I'm hoping you wrote it merely because you knew it would catch their eye -- and since their vision often appears to be clouded -- guaranteeing an EP. There's an old saying, "Don't shit where you eat." If you are practicing what you are preaching, bring a pooper scooper as well.

Hey you guys, don't feel too bad for the husband in this scenario. I'm fucking him when his wife is out! (In fact, I use the bath right before she comes home to wash off the smells of our love-making... that's why the towels are always damp, my dear...)

odetteroulette - I am sorry that you felt I meant you personally - I didn't. But,actually, you are the one who took this post personally - why did you rush to proclaim that you are "not the cheating type" ? This post is not about you and nobody is advocating cheating - this is just a piece of creative writing. As to being 'sleazy", I don't see how is it more sleazy than "the douchebag" post everybody loved so much or the rant about lazy husbands who don't deserve sex because they don't contribute to housework enough.

Provocative! Incandescent mentions bathing, and I personally agree: scent is a big tip off when it comes to cheating. The sense of smell is fundamental to the organism, and even if one is not consciously aware of smelling something "different", one is regardless signaled on the unconscious level. It is why you hear people saying - after all is said and done - "I didn't know, but on some level I knew." I would definitely expand on the scent/bathing/masking procedure if you wish to offer the impeccable guide.

An EP for this unimaginative drivel? The Salon staff must be fucking with our heads again!

And this is worthy of a cover? Most infidelity ends with broken lives and families, it is not casual, it is not sophisticated, and it is not funny.

Your husband is an ignorant, oblivious toad and you are one nasty skank.

Oh now I get it. This lame post got selected so that funny OSers could exhibit their skill at making witty repartee. Thanks editors!

Nikki?

Well, as long as you’re being detailed and thorough, ya might want to add a cpl…

Make sure to volunteer occasionally at a homeless shelter. This will provide excellent cover for those ever-pesky bouts of gonorrhea, syphilis, and Chlamydia. When your husband asks about the oozing pustules, just sigh self-righteously and say, “Oh, honey, I must of picked it up from the toilet seat.. you know how dirty those poor ppl are!” Sure, it’s not medically possible, but if he’s stupid enough to have married a cheating skank, he’ll probably buy it hook, line, and sinker.

If possible, make sure to cheat with your husband’s boss. Two advantages here: 1) When you’re caught, you can always burst in to tears and explain that you only did it to help his career. 2) If you keep “dating” the boss after your husband dumps you, you may still get an invite to the office Christmas party, where you can continue banging your way through the mailroom and janitorial staff.

Finally, make sure to send a tender “Thank You” note to your mom and dad for raising such a depraved, morally bankrupt, pathetic, waste of oxygen. Perhaps, the illegitimate love child you so lovingly spawn in the back alley of Denny’s will one day aspire to equal heights of self-degradation and whorishness.

If I missed any, plz feel free to add…

Good satire needs to be clever.

Madam! What outrageous thoughts. They should not have been aired in public. And are you available on Thursday afternoons perchance? (HurumphHurumph) I ask for a friend of course. Amen.

hadrian - how progressive and enlightened we all are until it hits a sore spot, huh? And, by the way, this is Open Salon, not a bathroom wall.

Society doesn't take to cheaters very well. I know we shouldn't care but the truth is, our pysches will kill us instead. Live as kindly as you can.

You committed the cardinal sin of satire. Being offensive? No Being provocative? No. Being about as funny as a Jay Leno monologue? Bingo. I object to this post being an editor's pick not for the content but for the style (or lack thereof). It is not particularly well-written.

A tank top and jeans would not be flattering to most women who are old enough to be married long enough to want to cheat, and then you're supposed to add heels and messy hair to the outfit? The "Heather Locklear" just isn't a look I see out very often. I think this is either a fake, and written by a man, or set in California.

I hope you're kidding. Anyone who goes through all of the above so as to lie, cheat, deceive, and eventually ruin a marriage ( which is inevitable, by the way, and if you have kids, they'll hate you forever) just for a few orgasms is one pathetic, miserable human being!!

seen worse in classic movies and books that are best sellers you are getting slammed because it's a blogging community and they can. make it into a movie scene and take all the stupid comments here to the bank

I agree Libertarius. If its supposed to be satire then it ought to be over the top, which it is not. It reads like a how-to and sort of leaves a humor vaccum. Go back, read some Twain, and try again. Keep it as nasty as you like, but just make sure its funny next time.

Cate don't listen to all of these people's negative and jealous reactions. I thought this was hilarious and I'm glad it was an editor's pick... :)

it is a bad idea

Cate,

I found it provocative and thought provoking. I enjoy this community, but sometimes I'm surprised by the amount of moral posturing that goes on here. I once read an entire book about cheating, called Wifey. My moral leanings don't make me get inflamed by reading descriptions of cheating. I don't understand why people get so worked up. Keep writing.

tss

Yeah, I'm kind of annoyed that this made the front page. As someone who is divorced because my wife cheated on me for 18 months, I really don't like seeing this kind of stuff in the first place. To have it praised by the editors is going really far.

Unless it was supposed to be comedy (which isn't really obvious), in which case it struck a little too close to home to be funny to me.

Tongue in cheek?
A note to long married men and women: When we stop paying attention and stop being intimate, stuff happens...
R

Merci beaucoup and thank you to the young man that mentioned me in the cover piece.

CL

Very professional, well done.
Rated.

I should have guessed.

For someone who does this, why should we trust them or believe in anything that they say?

Why do you want to cheat your husband? Just find some male escort and hang out with him outside. Relax with him and be normal to your husband.

Thanks
Richard Cletus
london escorts

Sheesh. Lighten up everyone. This was tongue-in-cheek funny!

I bet you'll still get caught. Good advice for the guy as well. You should have consulted Tiger Woods.