It is raining in Miami as is usual for this time of year. What is so unusual is how blue I am because of it. What's going on? Too much internally and not much externally. School is ending soon and then I am off for two months in London with my brother and his family. I am excited to be able to leave the Magic City for two months, but something is gnawing at me. Where is my life going? It is too early for a midlife crisis and yet I am just not content. Having a job in this economy is def a perk, but this year I have to prove a lot to higher ups and it paid off. I had some troubled kids this year and while I learned from them, I hope to never be put in those situations again. But, what is to say next year won't be yet another year of learning. I wouldn't mind the challenges, but when is all this challenge and growing business going to give it a rest. Bring on the pinatas and the red velvet cake.
In life we all have cycles and patterns, but I am not sure I have ready to go through all of them again. Meeting new guys, making new friends, and then still being alone at the end of the day which is all dandy in your 20s, but in your 30s you want to settle down wo setting which may be easier said than done. My female aquaintances all gpromise me that if I settle for the safe guy, I will be stable. Yet, what makes their life happier than mine? A few have had babies which is something I am not really into doing this lifetime. A kind older woman once told me it would be good for me to have a baby. When I told this Cuban busybody I had no interest in self-sacrifice she told me when I stopped being selfish it would change my life. Her daughter lives at home at 25, was homeschooled and still has yet to work. That comes off to me as making your child your best friend so she won't be lonely. Where is the sacrifice in that?
Who is to say that my decisions have led me to a dead end? I feel it today. On Easter my ex came by just as I had resigned myself to being single forever and threw a wrench in my plans. Neither of us are the marrying kind or dating for that matter. We both want to be free and give each other the space to do that. I may not see him again for a while and that is fine with me. I guess all I want is a sign, a piece of tangible comfort to fall asleep on at night. There are no guarantees in life, but I would really appreciate one that says I can live my life the way I want and still get a happy ending.