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CatholicGirl

CatholicGirl
Location
Miami, Florida, United States
Birthday
December 31
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Ghost Writer Extraordinaire
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Siren Publications
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"I'm the greatest little hoper that ever lived." -Dorothy Parker

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MAY 13, 2012 1:40PM

I Miss My Mother

Rate: 4 Flag

 I dread this day all year. My mother died when I was 23 after a short, painful battle with live cancer. Her skin was yellow and she looked nothing like the robust woman she once was. Towards the end she was particularly hostile to me. She asked me to not visit her anymore and then in her last days recanted. I was dumbfounded as I had always been so sweet and loving. When I was a little girl I would tell her happy birthday and then try to cuddle with her. Most of the time she thought it was cute, but other times her long-standing depression left her like a zombie that regarded me as a burden.

             I accepted her as she was because I loved her. When she lumbered around in a Benedryl haze, I was extra quiet. Anything could set her off and she once told me that she wished she could abandon me the same way my father did. I internalized it and carried it with me. She was a deeply troubled, somewhat neglectful parent, but she was mine.

      On this day people celbrate their moms and I am again alone. What ever will I do? Same thing I have done all weekend-grade papers and prepare myself for the end of the year. These papers are partly a distraction or a way to cope. It is a lesson I learned from a young age: accidents were my fault, I had no rights to my feelings, and I had to take care of the adult in my household. So today I will mark and become focused on my least favorite part of teaching and feel comforted by the fact that something out there holds on to the unbroken part of my mother.

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Catholic,you do have a right to your feelings and I can quess that many tears come along with them...Tears that only a mothering hug could make them go away.This is a sad situation and surely my words stand to nothing on your feelings.How can one react to the "On this day people celbrate their moms and I am again alone. What ever will I do? "These days are days that should not exist..these celebration days,are just for the consumers markets...I make myself believe that these days do not exist..and this works for me.Thank you for sharing..Wishing you the best.!!!Rated!!!
I wish you had the mother you deserved. Or any child deserves. And if not, that you still had the mother you got.

It's hard. I have faith in you.
Fine post. Parenting is a crap-shoot on it's best day. Your love shines through.
Rated.
this hurts to read , but that is probably cuz it is is honest
really real good writing:
"I am again alone. What ever will I do?

Same thing I have done all weekend-
partly a distraction or a way to cope.

a lesson I learned from a young age:

accidents were my fault, I
had no rights to my feelings,
and I had to take care of the adult in my household. "

yes well me too. it is not easy work.
but this kinda makes YOU the ADULT,
and often i wonder, were they not right in their weakness
to make me ADULT?
I think it might be the same w/u.
Thank you for your comments. They made a hard day a bit softer.