APRIL 15, 2009 6:33PM

Liveblogging the Boston Tea Party - 4/15/1773

Rate: 13 Flag



April 15, 1773

CCC: (In hushed tones -- think golf announcers after another Mickelson muff.)


Responding to His Master's Voice, loping into the city from the Western boonies, reverse-tracking Paul Revere who is yet to ride (but not stopping off at any of the pubs along the way like that sot), I have infiltrated the Republico-Liberto-Anarcho-Syndicalist meeting heah in Boston Hahbah.

Psst, Zerry, I know how much you looove to have YouTube ready video clips of these poops scoops of breaking news events. But they would have had my nads (figuratively speaking; for, of course, I am nad-less) if I tried to sneak in a video camera. So perforce I have to use text (know how much you looove to read), and I did get some pretty pictures.

3:19 PM Approaching Faneuil Hal where the meeting is to be held.


4:13 PM: The vast meeting hall is almost empty. Since there are only three known Republicans in the Commonwealth of Massachusetts this is not too surprising. They had invited some loony Libertarians from neighboring New Hampshire to swell the ranks. But they apparently stopped at the only feature
of interest in that entire benighted state, partook of their purchases liberally en route and were apprehended and detained by Massachusetts State Troopers south of Pheasant Tree Mall on Route 3 at Tyngsboro.

They are charged with singing "Live Free or Die" (badly, to the tune of "Ode to Joy") south of the border of insanity and with what is a felony in Massachusetts: DWR-D/S (Driving While Republican-Drunk, which is not that much better than S-sober).

4:27 PM Still nobody here but us chickens. By that I mean a couple of security goons in Brown Shirts and a buncha competition: live bloggers from Huffpo, Slate, WingnutStreetJournal, PatDobsonPosse and the like. We are getting thirsty.

4:35 PM Finally. Here come some party members. But WTF? Why are they all wearing masks? Delegate: Hey, I may be Republican, but I ain't crazy. You think I want my wife to find out?



4:37 PM Daddy Warbucks ascends podium.He's sloshed.

Warbucks: (Hic) My friends. My name is Grover Numbnuts (Harvard AB'79 Government. MBA'81). I'm from Weston, Mass. so I understand the problems of the little guy. I would like to flush government down the toilet. That is why I have been sucking at its teat inside the Beltway for the last 28 years.

(Burp) Ronald Reagan was the greatest. Kicking off his campaign in Philadelphia, Miss. (hahaha, the greatest thespian of them all; so they killed a N***** and a coupla J**s nearby, we all gotta die some time). Welfare queens. Hahaha, ask not who the taxes come from, ask who they go to. Nudge Nudge Wink Wink. (BAAAARRRRFFF.)

4:55 PM Sarah Palin kicks the unconscious Numbnuts a couple of times to try to revive him, then steps to the mike.

Palin: My friends. Let us pray. Pastor Muthee, who laid hands on me and filled me with the spirit, told me not to come to this Barney Frank-land, this haven for homos and heathens. But I came. I came.

My friends, I come from a hard-working, middle-class family. I was leading a miserable little life, married to an Eskimo snowmobiler in A-effing-laska for Chrissake -- no, they don't have thirty goddamn words for snow, now shut up and listen -- but, nevertheless, overcame great odds to live the American Dream:

$150,000 worth of designer dresses, cosmetics, purses, hats (eat your heart out Sloan, baby) shoes, shoes, shoes.....

And now they want me to pay TAXES on it. No fuckin' way. (Stomps off the stage, grinding her Manolo Blahnik heels into Grover's numb nuts for good measure).

5:20 PM: McCain steps on stage gazing longingly at Palin's retreating figure. He's obviously had a coupla snorts.

McCain: DRILL, BABY, DRILL. Haha, my friends. Where was I? Wrong script. Hey, where the hell is Punjab?


(Hic) We need some damn Indians to be the fall guys in throwin' all them tea bags off them ships.

(Punjab, bejeweled and berobed, dutifully appears.)

(Burp) There you are, Poonjie. How about a goddamn refill? Throat's dry. And double time. Chop chop.

(Hic. Burp. Snort. He's feelin' it now.) One if by land, two if by sea. Never did understand what the fuck that meant, my friends. Oh shit, wrong script again.

OK, who's supposed to give the signal then? Sam Adams? SAM ADAAAMS.


5:37 PM Punjab miraculously re-appears with a coupla cases of, you guessed it:


HuffPO, WSJ, Slate, the loonies in masks, and yes, your intrepid reporter, all in a mad scramble. A veritable melee.

6:10 PM A rollicking McCain addresses the Tea Partiers. Grover's still unconscious. Palin's gone off to Filene's.

McCain: "Ho ho ho! And a bottle of rum. Sixteen men on a dead man's chest....."

My friends, you all know what has to be done. We Republicans don't give a shit about the environment. Who gives a damn about 5 cents for the returnables. Homeless Harry ain't here to dig through the garbage. Let's all take them empties and throw 'em into Boston Harbor. Hey, Poonjie, you take the lead.

And so we all danced off to the waterside in a broken conga line and dumped the empties into the Harbor. Cheers, Zerr.

6:30 PM The Society of Patriotic Ladies reclaimed their positions for their regular cuppa.




Your tags:


Enter the amount, and click "Tip" to submit!
Recipient's email address:
Personal message (optional):

Your email address:


Type your comment below:
Oh, I'm laughing just too hard here...

"My name is Grover Numbnuts"
What's with the lotion behind the beer? Was that used for anything?
Feeling all vigor-y.
Thanks all. 'S a long trek back to the kennel, feeling a bit bloated and gassy (normal Republican condition, to wit Lardguts, Numbnuts et al) after all that tea.

Mrs. M, that might have been left over from yesterday's post :-).

Your tea party sounds like more fun than the one I went to. There was no Sam Adams, no libations, not even a cup of hot chocolate.

Very clever.
What no Wayne LaPierre? No Tom Selleck? Well, at least you could have dragged-up a zombie Charlton Heston to ham it up in stentorian tones:

"Don't shoot till you see the whites of their eyes!"

That proviso would have rendered all the bloodshot, bleary-eyed tea-baggers safe from harm. Besides, they were the only ones packin' heat. But who knkows, maybe we'd get lucky and they'd arrange a circular firing squad. That seems to be real popular in Republican "circles" these days.
Thayuh ya go again ya friggin Hahvid bastid! Raisin the bah so high the rest of us all look like a buncha retahds!
The state likka stoah bit is transcendently hilarious.
I concur with the cur, yes sir
Most excellent reporting! I feel like I was there. (Oh, I was actually - just got through swimming through the harbor for bottles. Damn Republicants can't even litter without being assholes!)
the best of all the teabag posts today, enjoyed this very very much.
Pheasant Tree Mall on Route 3 at Tyngsboro
Been there - done that
The best reporting done on this foolishness all day bar none.

But you missed the pun about Ed Ansin (WHDH) becoming NBC's bitch.
Oh god I needed this! I've been so damn pissed off all day about the very idea - mostly 'cos I truly despise the use of the Tea Party analogy. First of all, all those Repbublican protesters across the country HATE Boston, how DARE they co-opt the Tea Party for their idiotic cause!!!! Fucking cowards.

Thank you for the hearty laughs! It's really so sad this doesn't get "officially" noticed! Perhaps I will sign up for all those referral services up top just for you CCC. Or not :-)
Oh and, Monday is Patriot's Day. These tea-bagged assholes wouldn't begin to know the meaning of the holiday.

Whew, this is the best I've felt all day.
Thanks, Kelly. Actually I probably wouldn't even have known this was happening elsewhere had it not been for the damn publicity on OS! Typical of they who shall remain unnamed to make a mountain of a pimple on the ass. And hey, it's hard to get "officially" recognized after my lead in paragraphs, highlighted in red, no less ;-).

Glad you got a laugh out of it.

Scruffus: Sorry no potables in Trenton. Chucking your empties, up-chucking, emptying what you didn't upchuck into the Hahbah long a rite of passage here. Just axe axe-man.

Tom: With three Republicans in the whole state, you canna cast "The Ten Commandments." Maybe Albee's "Zoo Story" or "Waiting for Godot"(with a fourth dummy). Could have had McCain mumbling:
"Noli me tangere!" but might have been out of character.

Hatchet: Thanks, Axeman. Thought you might like the local color. And hey, everything reverts to the mean -- Grovah Numbnuts has lowered the standards for the rest of humankind!

Harry: Damn! Had I known you'd be bobbing for them apples in the Hahbah, would have clocked that damn McCain peeing off the dock
trying to sing (and murdering it) "Dirty Water":
Down by the River...
Down by the banks of the River Charles
(Oh, that's what's happenin' baby)
That's where you'll find me
Along with lovers, muggers, and thieves.
(Ahh, but they're cool people)
I love that dirty water
'Oh oh, Boston, you're my home

I mean that's like kind of the anthem of Red Sox Nation, man.

Thanks bbd, Caruso. What did Ansin do now? Something to do with Leno? Do tell.
Well yeah CCC, there is that thing about the red text
Bravo, my good dog, Bravo. Extra biskies for you tonight. :)
Echo previous comments. The best post on this sorry, hokey subject. Too bad someone didn't dunk McCain in the Harbor for murdering "Dirty Water" :). And no, don't think this will get an EP. Cheers.
Your depiction of Sarah Palin was hilarious.
And yes, why did those freakin' Republicans use the Tea Party analogy? I thought the tea had been dumped in Boston Harbor because the colonies were being taxed without representation... Representation, there is now! Will all these same "prats" truly stop using all the "socialist" benefits such as Medicare, publilc schools, public roads, public hospitals, if they hate Socialism so much? I doubt it! Once more the Reps have proven that thinking is not their forte...
Thank you all. Yes, SB, "Dirty Water" is bad enough without being mangled further :-). And Sarah, thank you for liking the Palin -- thought I might be "objectifying" her too much, but she handles it like a champ and gets to kick Grover in the nuts for good measure!