I turned on one of those “all celebrity, all the time” shows the other night.  You know, the ones that attempt to pass themselves off as “news?” As I watched, I was in sequence, horrified, mildly entertained, disgusted, then slightly entertained again. 

“Why do I watch this stuff?” I asked my husband, who was wondering why he was being forced to watch a story about Gwyneth Paltrow’s daring new role as a country singer in the new movie, Country Strong.  

“These shows are about these supposed celebrities who are built up like deities when they are really just normal, nominally talented people with incredible luck,” I said.  And yes, I really talk like that.  

I continued to sound off. “If I was to see one of these celebrities and try to talk to them, they wouldn’t care at all about me, my life or my situation, so why in the hell am I supposed to care about them?”

As I started to grudgingly turn the channel, the “all celebrity, all the time” news show tempted me with a luscious, plump worm on the end of a hook that I couldn’t resist swallowing with the teaser “Up Next: How Gwyneth dropped 20 pounds after filming Country Strong!”

What? She gained 20 pounds? I’ve seen the promotional trailer for the movie and she looked like the same old, bone-thin, Uber-blonde Gwynny. The only 20 pounds they could possibly be referring to is the shiny, wooden guitar around her svelte neck. (An image that proves not only can this broad act and sing, but she’s got the chops to play the guitar, people.)  I digress...what was with this weight gain/loss story?

After waiting with baited breath (not really) through commercials for some lame reality shows, the “all celebrity” show got to the meat of the story we always look for in weight-loss revelations; the glorious “before” and “after” photos.  Although Gwynn changed her clothes for the before and after photos, the rest was exactly the same: incredibly thin, long legs, teeny-tiny waist, boney arms and a gaunt-like face, albeit made up with beautiful make-up and topped off with luxurious vanilla and yellow locks.

What gives?  Why are the show’s producers, (or Ms. Paltrow’s publicists) trying to convince fans or anyone who is watching that she gained or lost any weight for this movie?  Hollywood make-over and weight-loss triumphs are a dime a dozen but there are typically measured results. Not a bold-faced lie, emphasized by before and after photos that do not deliver any time-lapse whatsoever.

I thought of a variety of scenarios. One goes that Gwynny is going for an Oscar nomination based on dedication to her craft (see Charlize Theron in Monster.)  The story reads something like, “So dedicated is Ms. Paltrow to the art of acting that she not only sang for the role, she learned guitar, played a boozed-out, pill-popper with smeared make-up and gained 20 pounds for the role.”  The general public and the voters of the Academy are supposed to react with “Wow!  What commitment!  Her devotion is unparalleled!  Let’s give that gal an Oscar!”

I reacted with “Barf!  This is all bull!  That movie doesn’t even really look good!  I never really liked her anyway!”  OK, that’s kind of harsh. What I ended up deciding was that stories of dieting and losing weight are increasingly becoming the easiest way to grab an audiences goodwill and attention.  

Case in point: the vast success of NBC’s The Biggest Loser.  Everybody loves a good makeover story where some frumpy housewife, or husband for that matter, is taken under the loving wing of a selfless personal trainer who teaches them the Jedi ways of eating healthy and exercising (shocking!)  When the frump turns to fab, we love to be proud of that stranger we know nothing about and root for them to keep the weight off while continuing their newfound healthy lifestyle.  All of this cheering even though we know they grabbed a dozen doughnuts on the way home from the big reveal.  And we may or may not be polishing off a dozen ourselves.

So Hollywood’s trying to get in on the goodwill, the love, the rooting for the underdog, with their own versions of the Biggest Loser.  The problem is that usually these supposed Hollywood “fatties” start out thinner than any human I have ever met. So their transformation from losing weight or toning some muscles or whatever, is typically unsettling.  It goes something like this: celebrity actress starts out looking like your thinnest friend you can think of and ends up looking like an incredibly unhealthy, skeletal version of herself.  Or in Gwynn’s revolutionary story, there is literally no change at all.  

Are her people that desperate for her to gain some goodwill, some street cred?  Has she become so completely unrelatable (married to one of the biggest rock stars on the planet, rich beyond comparison, pisses gold, etc.) that her entourage of public influencers are trying to make us believe that she is just like us and can actually gain weight? 

Well, I can’t be fooled.  I can tell a fake before and after photo from a mile away. And instead of making her relatable, the story went far in supporting my theory that America's treasure is a humanoid who doesn’t consume food, but plutonium.  Wait...that’s the Delorian. But I could actually relate to the time-jumping vehicle more than I could relate to her after watching that story.

If you’ve made it this far, you get a small prize...a link to a version of the Gwynn story with before and after pictures...http://www.people.com/people/package/article/0,,20316530_20440520,00.html