That's right...I'm three people in one. I weigh as much as two people plus me. I had my first visit with my Lap Band doctor on the sixteenth of December, and I found out my BMI (body mass index) is sixty-seven. I am two-thirds FAT. Not that this shocked me, but it was a horrific reminder of just how huge I have become. That and the floor length mirror in the exam room. Thanks to that stupid thing, I realized that my knees have their own knees. Needless to say, I didn't sit in front of that mirror for very long.

Oh my, God, I am officially morbidly obese! I am not blaming anyone else but myself for all the weight I've accumulated over the years, but it sure would be easier if I could point a finger at someone else and have them magically take on all this extra lard I carry. And if that someone could be my ex who selfishly broke my heart seven years ago, which put me into a deep five-year depression, I would put my first finger into a permanent cast and keep it aimed in his general direction.

Let's move on to the positive before I start crying again.

My Lap Band doctor is wonderful! She's down to earth, says what's on her mind, and she didn't put me on a diet! Yay for no dieting! She knows that I know what I have to do, and she didn't try to baby me or say, "Everything's going to be ok." She helped me to realize that losing weight won't be impossible and that everyone is human and can't expect to be perfect. That is what I needed to hear because all I have been trying to attain (in my mind) is perfection, but now I understand that striving for something a little less than perfect is not such a bad thing. I feel more empowered aiming for 150 pounds instead of 130 pounds. I almost love my doctor now, that is how great she made me feel on my first visit. 

I've already lost fifteen pounds, and that in itself is reason for applause in my mind. If I was my doctor, I'd approve my surgery right now! I'm on a six-month pre-evaluation period to lose weight and adjust the way I eat and think. Reason being - I have to change my lifestyle before my insurance will approve for me to have a covered Lap Band surgery. They want to make sure I can follow through with the plan and not waste their money I guess. During this six months, I have to lose a total of forty pounds or bring my BMI down to below sixty. I've got about twenty-five pounds left to go and am entering my second month soon.

If you know me then you know that I have the hardest time losing weight, but it's finally started to happen. For real! Thanks is due in part to my regular physician for prescribing me phentermine. Sure, I could probably lose weight just as easily with a balanced diet and exercise, but I have a hard time with self-control at the moment. I don't want to say I need a pill to help keep my appetite under wraps, but I feel like I do...for now at least. This whole journey to the band is hopefully going to help me change that notion.

Once I get a Lap Band in place, I'll have to eat healthy and follow certain guidelines for eating and drinking. So far I have not managed to make many adjustments, but this blog and the New Year are my jumping off points to start anew (once again) and really make things contine to happen. I have another appointment with my LB doc on the thirteenth of January.  Before that date arrives, my goals are to do the following:

Keep a daily food journal. (I've got about 4 days written down so far from earlier in December, but I somehow managed to forget what I ate over the week during Christmas. I know chocolate-coverd cherries were consumed. Oops!)

Cut out sodas and jucies and sweet tea sweetened with anything other than splenda. (This could kill me if not drive me insane. I live in the south, and sweet tea is almost impossible to avoid.)

Plan ahead if I'm going to eat out. (Luckily, I hardly eat out...unless we're including the Bacon Ranch salads with crispy chicken from McDonald's. Ugh, I could kill myself now for typing that out.)

Drink more water. (Not too hard, just have to remember that soda is not water.)

OK, so, those are the goals, and January one is almost here. Dear Lord, stick with me on this, and please, please, please help me to stay focused.

I may copy my food journal entries into this blog. I'm not sure about that yet. Do I really want just anyone to know what I am eating or shouldn't be eating? I'd really just be opening myself up for more feedback. Could be good. Or bad. Hmm. We'll see.