Dedicated to Joyce Gersen Liebelt 

Dear Family:

In the year 2010, I will apply a new metaphor to my employment problem. Well, it’s an old metaphor, really; but it’s new for me. In the new year, I will pull myself up by my bootstraps. I will.

I’ve been practicing, literally. Every day, for the past year, I've spent a little time, every morning, say about a half an hour, trying to do this.

I don’t have boot straps, so I crouch down and grab the bottom of my feet. I pull. I pull up with all my strength.

You can laugh at me. My wife did. She laughed, until I finally did it. That’s right! You read it here, first!

News Flash

A few weeks ago, while the coffee was brewing, I grabbed the bottom of my feet, I heaved up hard, and I was hovering an inch from the floor. I did it. I did it because I worked hard enough. 

I can only hold it for around twenty seconds, but I visibly levitate by my own effort.

— 

You don’t have to take my word for it. I’ve got videos. I take a new one every morning. I take videos on location: the park, the zoo, I am even thinking about working this trick into a porn somehow.

But first, I’m going to put them on YouTube and become famous. Then I can take my show on the road. I'll make a fortune.

At least, I hope so. I’m running out of money. I’ve been faxing out hundreds of resumes for almost a year. No one will hire me. In fact, the hovering act and the job search are, sort of, my two careers at this point.

I spend eight hours a day on the job search, and thirty minutes hovering. I’d like to say: Well, at least I have honed my interviewing skills. But I rarely get interviews. Usually, I write a cover letter; I fax it out with a pristinely edited resume, and that’s the end of the story.

I never hear anything. I send follow-up letters. The companies ignore me.

Occasionally – maybe twice a month – I do get an interview, and a second, and a third, and a fourth interview. By the fourth visit, the Human Resources people really know me. They really seem to like me. They seemingly can’t wait to work with me.

They show me what my office will look like. The offices never have windows. Sometimes the entire building has no windows.

They introduce me to co-workers. I’m in! I’m employed again. WHat a relief. 

We love you. We’ll call you, tomorrow.

Thank you!  

They don’t call. You call them. You leave a voicemail. It's over. That's the end of this story. But you had it. You were so sure of it.

They send a one-sentence letter, a month or two later, to break the regrettable news to you: under-qualified, overqualified, an initiated hiring freeze. The coldest letters just read: We decided not to hire you. They don’t say they're sorry. They do not wish you luck. Sincerely, not your new boss.

It isn’t easy. It’s emotionally exhausting. A lot of my friends are in the same boat. We get drunk and talk about it all the time. A lot of them have lost hope. I’ve heard stories about unemployment related suicides, and murders, but that has to be urban legend, doesn't it?

Could not having a job really drive someone to suicide? It makes one feel useless? I guess so. I guess feeling worthless could drive someone crazy. I guess it could make someone murder.

Wow, I'm glad I don't feel useless, or stupid, or worthless, like some people. I mean, I’ve been unemployed for a year, and look how much I've accomplished.

I've spent this time perfecting my hovering. Now I just have to present myself to my audience.

I hired an internet marketing company with some of my savings. The ad on my YouTube page said they could help me "become a YouTube star!"

I gave them all my information. I sent them all of my videos. They evaluated them and sent me a report. The report was very succinct.

"The ideal audience for The Amazing Hovering American videos, will be YouTubing on New Years Eve."

So, I just have to be patient. The end is near. I will be rich and famous. 2010 will be a much better year.

I wish a healthy and happy new year, for everyone in my human family.

Your Loving Relative,

Someone