February 1, 2010

Dear Charles Bivona:

Important Notice of Changes to Your Credit Card Account

Damn, Bold Font, and no real introduction--straight to the screaming announcement. This must be important, or rude. Let me read this boring thing.

We are firmly committed to providing you with timely and important information about your Apple MasterCard account.

Yes, I know, you call me all day long to tell me I have no money and that I can’t afford to pay you this month. I really do enjoy that service, thank you. I wouldn’t want to forget I’m broke for a minute and maybe steal some 100% free happiness! Oh no! Stop him! Call him and make him feel bad. Ugh. Ok, what do we have here? Skimming: Bullshit. Some more Bullshit. Some real ass kissing bullshit. Ah, here it is:

The new Credit Card Act

Thank you, Obama! Lay it on me. How did you slap these bastards down? They lowered my credit limit and then penalizing me for almost being maxed out. My new interest rate is almost thirty percent! It makes me so angry. I could just piss on something.

As many of you know, a new federal law has been signed into law—redundancy—that will change the way your credit card functions. I’m listening. Officially known as the Credit Card Accountability, Responsibility and Disclosure Act, the CARD Act… Oh, that’s clever. CARD. Yes, thank you. We know. May we continue. Yes, by all means. As we were saying, the Card Act was signed into law by President Obama on May 22, 2009. Cool. Cool. History. I like History. Please don’t interrupt us again, Sir. Sorry. May we go on? Yes, sorry.

Ahem, as we were saying, this new law changes several of the provisions of your account, including a requirement that billing statements be redesigned. Wait, billing statements? I don’t care about the billing statements. My interest rate is piracy! Doesn’t the law do anything else?

…

Here are some main points. Oh, sorry.

·      Our new statement format will spell out in greater detail and in larger type size, all you need to know about your credit card account including providing detail on your repayment options. But nothing on lowering my interest rate beneath that of a loan shark? So I just get a clearer picture of your bank raping my life. Awesome.

·      Payments will now be due on the same day each month making it easier for you to plan a budget. Wow, plan a budget. That’s great. So before this law you moved the due dates around so people would get confused and make late payments. That’s a lot of late fees. What sleazebags. And if you choose to pay more than your monthly minimum amount due, your extra payment will be applied to the balances with the highest APR first – a great way to reduce what you owe. Dudes, seriously. Things are bad down here among we common folks. Everyone is really scared. People are more rattled than I’ve ever seen them. You may want to lower those APRs before you have an angry mob on your hands.

·      The interest rate on existing balances will generally only be increased if your promotional rate expires, your account has a variable APR and the Prime Rate change[s], or you are more than 60 days late in making a payment on your account. Wait. (If the latter is the case…) I said WAIT! Shut up! I had a $10,000 dollar credit line with your bank. My debt was $4,000 dollars. My computer died, so I used the card to buy a new one. My debt was then at $5,500. This wasn’t a luxury purchase. I need a computer for work. It’s 2010. Then one week later, your bank lowered my credit line to $7,000 and slapped me with penalty charges for being too close to my limit.

(If the latter is the case, we will notify you 45 days before your rate is scheduled to increase.) Ok, but see, here's the thing, when you lowered my credit line, and jacked up my interest rate, it drove my minimum monthly payments up to double my car payment. I literally did not have the money to pay it. So, you lowered my limit again. You lowered it until I was over my limit, and you've been slapping me with penalties ever since. I mean, It’s great that you're going to be more fair from now on—basically because the government is forcing you to be—but how does this help me with my present predicament?

…

Unless any of the prior situations occur, your interest on new balances will not be increased for the first 12 months that you have your account.

...

Do you understand? But I don’t think... Would you ever like to rent a car or a hotel room again? Yes, I would. Then, do you understand? Yes. corporate master.

Should you have any questions, please feel free to contact us toll-free at 1-877-523-0478.

Sure, I have a question. Where can I find an angry mob?