Our neighborhood was flooding.

We lost power for fifteen hours. We sat in the dark talking and crying over our 2010 losses, so far. That was days ago.

Today, the sun is shining. The waters are receding. The temperature is predicted to hit sixty degrees. All of my apartment windows are open and Bodhi is singing to the birds from the sill.

 And my apartment is completely rearranged--the furniture and the book cases and the art work. I’m not sure how it happened. I think at some point I decided to make the flood symbolic--a washing away of the past. My best friend is dead almost three months already.

My only grandparent died a month after him.

[I will place a picture of Grandma here, when  I can afford a new scanner. Sorry.]

I find I remember them with such forgiving eyes. I understand their flaws so well in their absence. I know exactly how they needed to be loved. I know exactly what I would say to them both, if they were alive right now. I would say:

Don’t worry. I’m with you through whatever happens. But I know they both knew that. I proved it with my actions. So, I don't feel guilty for never actually saying it. In fact, I feel no regret at all.

I just feel this want for more of that closeness in my life. I’m tired of being suspicious of other people's motives. I’m tired of worrying about the possible negative consequences of helping others out. I’m tired of minding my own business and not wanting to get involved. It's lonely and boring. I want a second family of friendships.

I don’t want to start some fucking cult or a club or anything that involves money at all. Money and friendship rarely mix well. I just want to start having more company, having more gatherings, having people over all nights of the week, not just on the weekends.

I want to talk to more people. I want to hear new stories. I’ve read enough books. I want to read lives that are happening. I want to look at the plots of lives and see how they work.

No, I don’t want to be a therapist or anything that requires more schooling or more work. I have worked hard enough. I have been working since age eleven. I'm taking a vacation. It’s going to be a long one.

And while I'm on vacation, I don’t want images of past conversations between other people beamed into my house, nor do I wish to be sold anything. So, I disconnected my cable.