In the biggest Yahoo! link-driven  scandal since Michael Vick was  revealed as a dog-hating sadist, the world learned (via links on Yahoo!) that the  cute little girl  lip-synching during the Beijing opening ceremonies was not lip-synching to her own voice. Instead, she was mouthing words recorded by a girl judged, according to the Chinese Communist Party Bylaws Governing Pre-Adolescent Attractiveness, to be physically inferior. Apparently her undoing was her hideous teeth (pictured above; NSFW).

This has triggered a lot of hand-wringing and dinner table soul-searching over whether such a travesty could ever occur in the U.S. But it could never happen here. First, we have no shortage of little singing girls with perfect teeth. Any child with the merest hint of vocal talent has her teeth fixed by her sixth birthday. Second, if an American officio had even mentioned pulling a little girl because she wasn't cute enough, the ensuing series of lawsuits would have brought the IOC (and probably NBC, Bob Costas, and Coca-Cola, for good measure) to its knees.

In America, everyone is cute enough.