Good evening, and thanks for coming. I am here tonight to provide my two-weeks notice to the people of America. I no longer wish to serve as your President and Commander-In-Chief. I respectfully resign, with no hard feelings, and have nothing but admiration for you, the American people. This job is, quite simply, awful. I can replace the wages in 5 minutes, and have more time to spend with my family... it's really not even a tough decision at all.
That having been said, I do have a few comments, before I return to the White House to begin packing. Like every American citizen, my thoughts and feelings are legally protected, and I have a few to share. I might even be so bold as to ask you to pay attention.
In case you haven't noticed, our federal government is totally broken. The people you have elected are mostly combatative douchebags who are only interested in their own careers. They remind me of my daughters, often... as soon as you ask for ANYTHING you automatically get a "No". This is how 5-year olds behave. So thanks, America, for electing them.
In a related matter, the debate over the debt ceiling increase was, quite frankly, fucking ridiculous. Everyone knew it had to happen, but the goddamn Republicans had to suck up to their base, and risked our nation's already precarious economy just to scare up a few poll points. I would like to remind you at this point, that I know who elected these people.
I'm proud of my health care reform bill, even as others decry the budgetary savings and broader care for many, many Americans. Does anybody remember that I captured and killed Bin-Laden? Or how about that time when I won a presidential election without the help of the Supreme Court? Do you even remember who you voted for?
To my colleauges on the "other side of the aisle", I say to you what you have been saying to me for almost 3 years: Fuck you. Get a clue assholes! If you want fewer abortions, teach sex ed and give out more condoms. Christ, even Governer Perry had the common sense to mandate a vaccine to prevent cancer! Since we're already talking about your ignorance, can you please stop your denial of global warming? That's some important shit that we should all be concerned about!
I would also like to thank the right-wing fanatics that questioned my status as a citizen. Personally, I enjoyed the Birther's challenge, as I knew I could hit anything they threw at me out of the park. Good times indeed...
I don't mean to ramble, but this is my last opportunity to speak to you, my employers, the citizens of the United States of America. I am proud to be an American, and I look forward to working in the private sector, where I expect a tenfold raise. I will not be voting anymore in order to avoid jury duty, and I found a nice townhouse so the kids won't have to change schools. I must confess, I will miss the helicopter rides.
In conclusion, I thank you for electing me, I thank you for the housing, health benefits and the symbolic paychecks. At this time, I would like to introduce you to your new President... Joe Biden, who will in two weeks have complete control of our military operations. I'm sure he'll do a great job *cough*.
God bless America, and good fucking luck!