When do I get to stop “Starting Over”? Seriously. At what point do I get to stop feeling like I'm a six year old boarding the bus for the first day of school? It's not as if I've spent my life being resistant to change. A quick tally of "new beginnings" includes:
1. College
2. Marriage
3. Children
4. Divorce
5. Navy
6. Marriage #2
7. Seperation from marriage #2
8. Picking up stakes and moving 600 miles away
9. Change of career
But number 9 was supposed be the last time I boarded the bus. The end of major upheavals and new beginnings. I thought I could finally exhale and actually settle into life. And, for ten years I did. I worked hard and established a successful career. I developed close and loving friendships with a small group of amazing women. I became part of a community that felt like home. I didn’t aquire wealth, but I had modest savings combined with material comfort and enough “extra” to help lots of other folks along the way. I even had a bourgeoning relationship that held the sweet possibility of becoming something more. I was happy.
I guess I was too busy being happy to notice that the economy was even busier going to hell. Seven months ago I left home one morning as a confident professional. I returned an hour later as an unemployed worker.
Once again I am starting over. New job. New state. New standard of living. New attitude.
I’ve learned a lot in the last seven months. I’ve learned that the safety net I’ve always imagined existing in this country was exactly that - something I’d imagined. It does not exist. I’ve learned that I can hold two completely conflicting ideas in my head at the same time. I am grateful as hell to have a job with a steady income, a roof over my head and food to eat. I am resentful as hell that I feel so damned grateful just to have the bare basics in life. I’ve learned that starting over is fun when you’re in your 20’s, scary but exciting in your 30’s and downright exhausting in your 40’s. I’ve learned that I’m just too old for this shit.
And I’ve learned that I can do it anyway.
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Comments
Thanks for your honesty......
I wish you well!!
Good luck, Cherylm,
Lezlie
DaveRickert: Thank you for the compliment but I have been reading OS too long to have any illusions about my writing. I checked out your blog and will enjoy checking into some of the poetry posts you’ve highlighted.
BrianB: Perseverance: yep, that’s that funky thing we do when we have no other choice. I didn’t comment, but I did read your post on the 4th and rated it. I liked the way you gently reminded us to not forget our obligation to care for each other in our very American pursuit of rugged individualism.
Scanner: yep, right now many employers are getting away with practices that would have been unimaginable even 10 years ago because they know they pretty much have their employees by the short and curlies. But ya know, I seriously DID think that there was a decent safety net in this country. But for the grace of God and generous family, I actually could have ended up in a homeless shelter on literally on the streets…as you say, welcome to the real world.
Lezlie: I think the last year has been a slow wake-up call for the middle class…something is very, very broken. I enjoyed your post on healthcare. Ironically enough, I just found out that I am STILL being carried on my husband’s very excellent medical/dental insurance even though we’ve been separated 10 years - for some reason he just never got around to taking me off! Since the job I recently started does not offer decent insurance this was like hitting the jackpot on a quarter bet!
EVERYONE: thanks for reading.
After years as a successful businessman I found myself thinking the same thing. The reinvention of Roger continues and I'm too old(56) for this shit too:) Great post!
Lawyagurl: I love your kind of enthusiasm, it’s hella more productive in the long run than me sitting around crying in my beer. Some days I wake up with the “bring it” mindset too…other days, meh, not so much. I hope you keep yours - it looks good on you.
Katy B: Thank you (and I’m STILL laughing over your neighbor with his tidy whitey’s hanging on your mailbox).