When I was 18 I loved ...

Life.

Smiling.

Feeling Hopeful.

Being Alone.

A Boy.

     He was a friend of mine that I had known for years. We were in the same class in 6th grade. He was nice and brainy and tried to learn all the names on the periodical table of elements. I changed schools.

      As a Freshmen I got to know him more grown up. We had a lot in common, he was a dancer. I wanted to be an actor. I wanted to dance but never had the chance. 

     Sophomore year  he join chorus with me (I think?) He was in my science class. He did tech for the school play I was in. We talked on the computer a lot. He gave me someone to believe in. He came out to me. I came out to him.

     My Junior/Senior year, I graduated early, our friendship grew. More talking online and on the phone. Even though at that point he moved to California. That was okay with me. He was going to a big important performance high school. We didn't call each other religiously but still we could always talk.

      During my first year of community college he came back and lived with a friend. I met up with him and confessed that I liked him. He said there were moments when he felt the same way. I wanted a kiss, he wouldn't kiss me. Rejected but still hopeful I stole his hat, and gave him mine. He wouldn't hang out with me because he was always busy. I sent him a letter saying I never wanted him to contact me again because I was utterly heart broken. 

     For two years I wore his hat in pictures figuring if he saw them he would realize that he could have been there with me during a trip to Great Adventure, New York, or on vacation at the Amish Country. Sometime after the Amish Country I lost the hat. Either in a box in my room or by the side of the road.

     The sadness I felt toward the whole situation finally faded.  I became myself. I learned to enjoy the liveliness of it and looked at it from a different perspective. Better to have said I vainly loved him than to never have said it at all?

    I am almost 21 (happily in love with my current boyfriend) and I found something great. A replica of the hat I lost. It's not exact but the color is right, so I bought it. Instantly I though I should contact him to let him know I forgive him, and that I am sorry. So right now I poked him on Facebook and sent this to him.  

2008                -              2010

 -Ricky.