In the spirit of giving and caring, I have decided to start the First (I think) and (definitely) Unofficial OS Advice Column:
Guess which kind I'll be dispensing. "Where do I come into the picture?" you ask? I need some letters seeking advice, and I'm sure at least one of you is in desperate need of counsel (or can at least feign distress). I will advise on any topic, ranging from love and relationships (I'm single) to money and jobs (I'm broke and unemployed) to religion (I don't believe in it or god) to any other topic on which I may prove useless (there are many).
So take the plunge. The first step is admitting you need help, and the very act of asking me for advice is admission enough. Please write to me. I will solve none of your problems and perhaps even create some new ones.
All letters will be considered for publication, anonymously if you prefer. Feel free to take liberties with the truth as long as the letter is vaguely believable (ie no aliens, no monsters and no god).
Here is the first letter and it's kind of a downer. Boo! Hiss! At GAUBAF we discorage downers, bummers and buzzkills, but this letter seems timely and important. Enjoy!
Dear Chris_K,
I have a problem with my virtual life. I participate on OS, on Salon Letters, and a few other forums. I have met many people that I like and share esoteric interests with I do not have trouble balancing my real life with my vritual life. I did, for a bit, but addressed it and now have it under control. Life online should be great, right?
Here's the problem. There are a few people, very prominent participants in the forums in which I visit, who are clearly emotionally disturbed. They'll be fine for awhile, doing their thing - they tend to pimp their own work more than other people, but that's easy enough to ignore.
Their comments are full of stuff like how much they love everyone, how peaceloving they are, how nice everyone is. But then something sets them off - usually 1) a criticism or 2) a perceived lack of support for one of their issues. Then they're off. It's "How dare you this" and "I can't believe you'd say such a thing" that.
They threaten to unfriend people who don't agree with them and fully support their views/attacks on others - and do. They never, ever take an olive branch when offered - they demand apologies and sympathy, repeatedly. They call people names and wrap themselves tightly in martyrdom and then sit back, sniffling, and wait for other OSers to cast roses of support at their feet.
I have watched this over and over. These people to a one said they were stepping away and taking a break - usually a comment aimed at their enemies, as in "SOME people are forcing me to take a break with their terrible attitude, I'm just trying to get by here". They don't really take a break, and end up right back beating the same dead horse of their issue, which has now evolved to the criticism and lack of support they received, and not the issue itself.
Most of them have at one point or another turned off their blogs and left - then came creeping back in comments, looking for the people they felt injured by, 'defending' themselves repeatedly. Then they start a new blog and act like none of it happened, and say things like "I'm not going to talk about x, I've finally learned my lesson' - always said in such a way as to continue to claim the martryred, misunderstood high ground, never taking any personal responsibility for the fracas they were involved in (and usually caused, if not the original problem, then the escalation thereof).
Each one, by the way, has a long list of evolving/shifting complicated personal, health and family problems they tend to trot out in the middle of a firestorm, used to deflect any further criticism against them. It's as if they are incapable of saying "Sorry, I was really out of line there." Instead, they whine about how sick they are and how beleagured they are, and how much courage it takes to be them, and can't anyone see that? Well, their FRIENDS understand it but as for everyone else, they are bitter bullies....and they're off again.
So here's my question(s) - Why are so many people tolerant of this sort of emotional manipulation and abuse? Why do they keep reassuring these damaged narcissists how wonderful they are? And as for the broken ones - how do I discourage these people from ever contacting me without them getting their sights set on me?
signed, fed up with all the crap.
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OK, FUBAR (short for "fed up with all the crap"), the questions you ask are really a three headed monster (I can talk about monsters all I want). Fortunately they can all be answered in two sentences.
BOTTOM LINE: If there weren't manipulative people and people who can be easily manipulated, there would be no Republican party (see: Rush Limbaugh SNAFU). Sorry, but it looks like you're SOL, FUBAR.
ALL ADVICE OFFERED HEREIN IS GIVEN FREELY. THE AUTHOR ASSUMES NO RESPONSIBILITY FOR THE RESULTS AND APOLOGIZES IN ADVANCE.
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Mungular
Ed Nachtrieb
Verbal Remedy AKA Denise
LuisG
Behind Blue Eyes
1_Irritated_Mother
Salon.com
Comments
How dare you?
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And fodder for your next column:
Dear Chris_K,
About 6 months ago, I drew a line in the sand to keep out manipulative, emotionally bullying in-laws with a case of Teh Crazy. As a result, I haven't spoken with them since. Today, my dear longsuffering husband had lunch with his mummy and she said they're MOVING AWAY [with a flourishing hand to the forehead, I'm sure], and that FURTHERMORE, as always, his (crazy) father is Not Well. As always. (Yeah, I figure I wouldn't be so well either, if I swilled down two bottles of wine per day day on top of my Multiple Sclerosis and other meds).
Are there florists that sell "Don't Let The Door Hit You In The Ass" bouquets?
signed,
Bitch Daughter-in-Law The Second (not to be confused with Bitch Daughter-in-Law The First, who was smart enough to slam the door on Teh Crazy 15 years ago, or Asshole Son-in-Law and his wife Irredeemable Daughter, with whom I currently make my stand jointly)
Seriously tho, a consultant/therapist around here would come in handy...
1. You're not "single": You have merely set your sights high while studying the human condition within the parameters of various inter-personal relationships.
2. You're not "broke": You are achieving a Buddha-like nature, casting off the chains of material wealth in order to reach a higher plane of enlightenment.
3. You're not "unemployed": You are a fierce and free spirit who serves no master in search of an environment where you may best grow and prosper.
You're "welcome": Meaning I don't actually need spoken or written thanks in order to assume that thanks is given.
In other words, I've now changed you into an enlightened New Age Philosopher, the one who is more likely to achieve fame within the ivy halls of OS. You're also the sort of person from whom I might try to solicit advice.
Verbal: How dare I? How dare YOU? (That's some good advice right there. And perhaps I'll tackle your letter in a future column.)
Myriad: I'm an unlicensed therapist, which might actually be illegal in some states. Sometimes illegal things are more exciting though...
RenLady: I tend to think of myself as more of a Christ-like figure, though I'm 34, so I've kind of outlived that.
Ardee: But who was I abusing? Anyone who questions Chris_K deserves a spanking. Especially if they question his right to employ the third person when referring to himself.
"If there weren't manipulative people and people who can be easily manipulated, there would be no Republican party (see: Rush Limbaugh SNAFU). Sorry, but it looks like you're SOL, FUBAR."