Today, after I got my new haircut and style at Regis in the mall, I walked through some of the mall and didn't buy a few things. Even as I type this, it sounds weird to me. Is it because of the grammar, or because I actually saw some things I wanted, but didn't buy?

Oh I have to add, that my hair looks really good now too. It always looks better when the stylist does it.

Okay anyway, after I paid the price for that good haircut, I went around and did some window shopping. I ended up in Bath & Body Works, so fun. Everybody knows that this store has really nice lotions, facial products, shampoos and the works. I spent a lot of minutes in there. I almost bought a tea tree face mask, because they have a buy-3-and-get-2-free sale. And I looked at the prices. I thought "really?", "what's in this shit product? And how can they charge this much for this shit product?" I kept thinking...Avon.  So I just sprayed some Cherry Blossom perfume on myself and sniffed some other stuff, and pretended to want to buy something, and then left.

I made my way over to I made my way over to Macy's. Because they always have really pretty dresses. And the juniors section always has way cuter clothes than the adult women section. As I looked around I saw a few other adult woman shopping, like me. And they were also trying on clothes. I found 2 cute cotton spring, floor length dresses, with the ruffles and the paneled skirts. Ya, the ones that I love to wear. I found X-Large sizes and I seriously wanted one I also found and tried on, that was the polyester type of fabric, which hangs better on the body than the pure cotton does. But the one that I almost bought was the white cotton, long dress, with spaghetti straps. They all had spaghetti straps. But the white one was on sale for $19.99. That was hard to pass up, bit I did. I didn't buy any of them. The other 2 were $54. I thought that all 3 of them didn't really blow my mind, or I would have bought one. I know exactly what I want, and I didn't find it today. So I put them all back and left. It was hard, but I did it. I kept telling myself "I will thank me in the morning".

On my way home I went to the 99 Cent Store. I bought 2 boxes of Chinese Almond cookies, water, tuna for Nala, Ibuprofin and bleach. And then I went to an over-priced Chinese place next door and paid too much for what-was-supposed-to-be sweet and sour pork. I'll never do that again. The Chinese place that is.

I was just going over in my mind, the conversation that I had with Bernie this morning. I used to call her on Saturday mornings, when I lived in Orange, on her Bethany weekends. So I did this morning, as I was having my coffee and a strudel. She sounded different. Different in a not good way. And our conversations aren't like before. I couldn't help but wonder if she saw my survey that I completed, the one that Bethany sent me and others from their graduate list. She just sounded sort of subdued or something. And I felt uncomfortable talking to her. I recall her saying "89 percent of the graduates are grateful to be here". As if I wasn't "grateful" enough for them. Maybe they should try some gratefulness. They should be grateful that they do not take homeless women, right from the streets. The ones who are the chronically homeless. I wonder how they'd fair then? They would not be able to handle that. Be grateful Bethany staff, that you do not have to really help the homeless population, in the way that the real homeless shelters help. Because your 6 people that you help at a time, would have to increase to 60. Except on the holidays, there would be more.

This really gets me going. Mostly because they (the Bethany staff, including the nuns), have no idea what really goes on out here in the real world. Their unrealistic expectations of how we all should just feel grateful, are just that, unrealistic expectations. And they are out-of-the-loop about what goes on in the real homeless shelters. They'd stop making their self-proclaimed label of being the "finishing school of shelters". It's overwhelming, having to go through that experience. So why don't they just knock if off? The only thing that I am grateful for, is having my own place and a job. I don't have to feel grateful for anybody, for anything, except what I feel grateful for. And it certainly isn't them.

Alright, there was my rant.

Now for the rest of the weekend I can relax. I thought about going to Borders and buying a new sketchbook. Since my other one is left up in the mountains still. And then I can do some sketching. I think they cost $20. But then I need my sketching pencils too. And tonight I will go to Wal-Mart do do my weekly shopping for work lunch food. That store is too crowded during the days. I want to buy some nail polish too. Seriously, everything is up there, left behind in my hurry to leave. It's like I'm starting over. What I really want to buy, is a digital camera and a laptop. I've been seeing laptops at the Goodwill lately. There's a Goodwill right around the corner from where I work.

As I type this, on a cardboard box, my kid Nala is laying stretched out on her back, sound asleep. She's a huge cat now.She knows what the words "tuna" and "are you hungry?" mean. And she used to know what the word "mousie" meant. I bet that if I go and buy her some new mouse toys, she'd remember.

I think of my bunnies a lot. And the way that Pinkie used to do her binkies. And how Priti used to look at me with her little eyes, and lie on my bed. In case nobody knows what a binkie is, it's when bunnies hop up into the air, when they're happy. It's the cutest thing. Pinkie used to do it a lot. Priti too, but not as much as Pinkie. And the way that they used to make their grunting noises, especially Pinkie as she chased Nala around at her heals, trying to bite her. I think I was more attached to Priti. She was the stray I found on my patio. I'd take her back if I could. I hope that she's still alive and happy.

Work is getting busier. We have so much work now, more than last year. That the company has decided to hire 60 more people, and create another shift. That shift will start at 3 p.m. and go until midnight or so. We started overtime Thursday. So I get up at 4:45 a.m. and get to work at 7 a.m. I was tired yesterday, as was everyone else. It's hard to imagine that there's still the bad economy when there's so much work at the welfare office. That's where I work.

I've been talking to my good friend Joan a lot lately. She's so smart. She explained to me, how I allow people to abuse and be mean to me, and basically use me. And I don't listen to my own inner voice telling me that in the first place. And I allow myself to go back and allow these people to use me again, because I don't trust my own instincts. I wonder why I do that.