It was mid-dunk into my four-cheddar fondue that he popped the question. I took my time answering, enjoying my crusty chunk of bread, savoring more than a mouthful of Sam Adams. How to answer? I've been asked this question before. In fact, I think all my boyfriends asked except maybe one.

It should be easy enough to answer. Yet for me, it's not a simple 'yes' or 'no. It's a complicated explanation, probably in need of analysis by a professional. How could I possibly answer over beers in a suburban outdoor cafe?

So I just mumble some 'I wish I could but' jumble and change the subject. I don't tell him what I really feel, that I, personally, have no desire to mix up our families. That, no, I don't want to have a big, fun all-in-the-family outing. I don't want to hang out with his kids, I don't want him to hang out with mine ... I don't our families to even know about one another.

And it's not because I don't like him, or I don't think he's worthy, or I don't think our relationship will last the next weekend. Nothing like that. It's a few things, but the bottom line is I like feeling like a carefree single woman. Dating the guy, and the guy alone, makes me feel that way. I'd much rather channel "Sex and the City" than the "Brady Bunch."

Another, more complicated reason is I want my kids to myself. I've had to learn how to parent in a whole new way and even though it's been a number of years, I'm still learning. And my boys are learning too. They're old enough to know I date, but it's not easy for them. They don't need to know about my social life unless I start planning a wedding. I'm absolutely sure they don't want to know about -- let alone hang out with -- my boyfriend, with or without his kids in tow.

And yet another reason is that I try to learn from my mistakes. Two boyfriends wiggled their way into my family life, and both relationships ended badly. It was pointless to drag my whole family into it and I regret that I allowed it to happen against my better judgment.

In the first situation, the guy didn't even ask; he simply threw himself at my unsuspecting parents, luring them in with his Broadway connections. They loved him, invited him for dinner ... and next thing I knew, I was visiting his hospitalized grandmother and he was watching my son play first base. I was so uncomfortable and miserable I was almost glad he turned out to be a crazed drug addict; I didn't know how to get rid of him short of the restraining order I eventually had to take out.

In the second situation, the guy was smarter. He touched a romantic nerve, found a literary touch point. First he professed a drunken, yet poetic, declaration of love at first sight after I dumped him following our third date. Then he fought for me (in a way that wasn't creepy), and stayed at it until my new boyfriend went away. Once we were exclusive, I immediately caved when he popped the question; I felt so bad for having dumped him to begin with. And so once again I ended up uncomfortable and miserable and glad he gave me a reason to dump him again, this time for good.

So I'm done with Brady Bunch outings and mixed holiday dinners. I don't like it, my kids don't like it ... I really don't see what all the fuss is about. Maybe I'm missing out on a deeper dimension of getting to know someone, perhaps the family disconnect is no way to conduct a proper relationship. But for now, I say let's leave the kids at home and just be grown-ups. Your kids want you all to themselves anyway, and I want you all to myself!



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cindy