Of course when I got married I thought I was marrying my one and only soul mate. I had a young girl's notion that things happen for a reason and everything unfolds the way it's supposed to.
Fast forward a decade or two, and boy, did things turn out differently than I expected. Was this really my pre-destined "Life Plan." Did I marry the wrong person? Or was everything the way it was supposed to be, and he was just right during that particular time in my life? Was he the soul mate for my 20s and 30s and now I'll find a new one for my 40s and beyond?
I guess it's foolish to think there's one soul mate for each of us. That special someone who can finish your sentences before you even start and make your stress disappear just by saying 'good morning'? I guess we all want that special combination of lover and best friend who will think we're lovely first think in the morning and brilliant even after a major screw-up.
But is there such a person? Do we each have a soul mate wandering around looking for a match? How do we know for sure if the mate we're picking -- or picked -- is The One, The Right One or even Anyone At All?
My best friend T has a theory that we have many soul mates, each with a different purpose. A best friend soul mate. A lover soul mate. A father-of-your-children soul mate. She thinks soul mates come into your life at different times, just when you need them. Sometimes you and a soul mate meet up for a bit, then pass through each other's lives, but never forget one another. Other times, it's a life time soul mate, but not in the traditional sense of love, sex and marriage.
I think she nailed it. As much as I want to believe that a soul mate is someone you connect with entirely – who gets you and understands you and looks into your eyes and sees through to your thoughts -- I don't think that's it at all. I think a soul mate can "get" you in a way no one else can, but perhaps it's just on a particular level. Maybe it's that flash of recognition between two people that's so unexpected, it causes you to jerk your head around (what was that?) or up (was that lightning?) because the flash was that real. But it's not on all levels, it's not necessarily sexual and it's probably not even forever.
Maybe we have more than one soul mate, and maybe they're people we just can't live without for that time in our lives when our paths cross. When I think of the people I've had moments with, deep intense, lightning strikes moments, I remember the times well. And I either still know the people, or couldn't imagine my life being where it is today without having known them.
So I guess I have -- and had -- a number of soul mates. And there's probably more to come. It's a comforting thought.TIP:
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Then I think about the soul... and what does it do? It grows. If we're not growing, we're dying. So maybe a soul mate is someone who recognizes - on some level, not necessarily consciously - what we need in order to grow and brings that into our life. Maybe short term, maybe long term. I learned more from my insecure, addict, can't-grow-up ex-husband than I've learned almost anywhere else. There's still a special place in my heart for him. Not my home, but in my heart. He was my best friend once. While I grew and he didn't, he helped me grow more than almost anyone or anything I can think of.
But, I do still cling to the belief that everything unfolds as it should.
In any event, there's a lot of food for thought here between your post and the comments above.
Would be nice to find one ;0)
(my feathers are still growing back ...)
There is certainly something wonderful about people who get us and accept us. I believe there are many people who can fulfill that role whether as friends, lovers or life partners. It's a low percentage of the people we cross paths with but at the same time over the course of a lifetime, it's good number.
He is, however, the very best man I have ever known, and I had 44 years of research to know the truth when I found it. I'd had lightening, and I'd had soul mate in the literal sense, but I had not met the man with whom I am at peace.
I'd never thought this through before now, but that is the word. I am at peace with this man. We love each other with no conditions, and we both are capable of exceptionally unattractive conditions :-)
Instead of a "soul mate", I suggest finding the one who soothes your soul. Find the one you could envision spending 24 hours a day with, 7 days a week, and want for nothing else.
http://open.salon.com/content.php?cid=69327
I have to say finding mine was the worst experience of my life.