“Gym, work, then happy hour!!!!!

 “Work at 6. (who cares.)”

“Need a cupcake. Now." (That explains a lot!)

“Johnny got 1,327 touchdowns!!!!!! Go Big RED!!!!!!!!!!” 

“Who actually reads my rambling posts? Leave me a one word comment …”

blah blah. (eff you) BLaH.

Seriously? You want me to leave a comment starting with the first initial of my first name … and what? Pass it on? Re-post? Are you KiDding? What the eff. 

You want me to LiKe your cat’s heroics, your kid’s homerun, that new (OMG!) haircut? What’s that about your new gig? WoW. That’s just – aMaZiNg.

What’s that? You’re off to the gym? And had meatballs for dinner and pecan pie for lunch? Woo effing (insert expletive) hoo. You love kittens, Ghandi, cupcakes and Smith & Wesson. Wow. I was soooo-ooo wondering. Oh, and you love Like Wal-Mart. That IS amaz-I-ing.

Facebook. LoveHate you. When I find myself bored with a few minutes of spare time, I log on .. and then throw up my breakfast when 3 minutes in.

Really. If I see one more chuckle from Chuckles, or inspirational quotes from InspirationalQuotes 'R Us, I’m deleting my account. (Seriously.) The youtube posts? REALLY? (That’s all you got?)

Yes, I know it takes 147 steps to delete an account, and I know I won’t care know what time Carol got to work or what kind of wine tea Courtney and Jonathan had (they’re underage. I’m a stalker journalist. Shoot me!).  

Oh my. I won’t know that Anthony did 7,788 squats or Christina is down 187 pounds. I won’t see the video of the first steps that cutie-pie kid attempted in the driveway, or the kittens who saved the dolphins in San Fran. Or the puppies that break-danced at the Westminster or the cats who … who act like (insert disgruntled class action suit here) cats (oh, those effing cats).

Wait. What was that? Something about Van Gogh? And Joe Paterno? He has lung cancer?? (stop, I read that on Twitter.) But what’s that about pumpkin ice cream and massages?

Go aWay!  (Now, please :-)

Wait@! No! He’s dating (that slut) HER?? ShuTT Uppp.

(extra consonants added for emphasis.)

Goodbye Facebook. I’m back to my real life. But. … Wait … Ashton and Demi are divorcing (oh, we knew that). But … Wait … What's that about Patrick the Dog and an indictment? No! Shut the …

Wait. (Seriously.) Good-bye. (Seriously.) Wait …

(Sigh.)