Percentage of all Beijing corporate office space that is currently vacant : 22

So, they’re faking all that prosperity? I knew it! I heard something about China on NPR this morning. It would help if I remembered things. Referencing NPR without remembering the things doesn’t carry the same weight as it otherwise could. "NPR, NPR, blah, blah, blah... NPR (Holly Golightly again. My cigarette needs a light.)

Percentage of all Las Vegas homes that are currently worth less than their mortgages : 81

YAY! I’m delighting in someone else’s misery! Whenever someone else sits on negative equity, it makes me less of a loser for doing that for ten years on Martha’s Vineyard. I’m a real estate tycoon! YAY! 

Percentage change during 2008 in the average size of a new U.S. house : –3

What is -3 percent? A closet? People are cutting back on closets? I guess that makes sense since they can’t buy as much stuff. “It’s not the money; it’s the stuff! (Heard in Bernadette Peter’s pouty whine... The Jerk is such a great movie. I mean, great as in low-brow awesome. “Shit shinola. Shit, shinola.” Awesome. “He hates those cans!” Classic.)

Number of consecutive years that the average house size had grown before this decline : 13

Super size me! Woot! SUV! Ginormous house! Big-ass cups of high fructose corn syrup drinks!! That's a hell of a lot of closets.

Projected amount that lawyers and other advisers will earn from the bankruptcy proceeding of Lehman Brothers : $1,398,000,000

Okay, that’s just messed up.

Price for a “homeless” doll from American Girl : $95

What? Really? How does one play with a homeless doll? Throw her out in the street? Put her in the car to sleep for the night? Is there a special homeless shelter cot or an appliance box accessories you can purchase so she has somewhere to sleep? Do the other dolls all donate their unwanted clothes so she won't freeze? How is this not a joke? Take the friggin’ 95 bucks and donate it to your local homeless shelter!

Chances that a refugee worldwide has been displaced for more than five years : 2 in 3

Gemeinschaft and Gesellschaft... cultural geography... Katrina... Once you destroy it, it’s gone. Thank goodness for the human capacity to make community wherever they land. It’s our hope. That was a little stream of semi-consciousness, but it's all I've got.

Number of African nations that have extended or removed term limits on their leaders since 2002 : 9

This can’t be a good thing.

Minimum number of times that G20 nations have broken their anti-protectionism pledge since making it in April : 106

Shit. Hope, hope, hope, change, change, change. I’m getting depressed.

Ratio of journalists to delegates among registered attendees at this fall’s G20 meeting in Pittsburgh : 5:1

And yet, did they get the story? (Still depressed.)

Ratio of Katie Couric’s salary to the total operating expenses of NPR’s seventeen foreign bureaus : 3:2

NPR! I listen to NPR. God, this is knuckle-headed. Hey Katie -- volunteers are manning the phones in anticipation of your call.

Percentage of Americans who say they would miss their local newspaper “not much” or “not at all” if it disappeared : 42

Why doesn’t this surprise me? It should.

Number of obituaries that the New York Times currently has pre-written : 1,300

I wonder if they take bets on which one they'll need next.

Average portion of its yearly household expenditures that a South African family will spend on a funeral : 2/5

This is the problem with this little writing experiment. I can't say anything either profound or humorous about this. I'm just thinking that there probably aren't a stack of obituaries waiting for these funerals.

Chances that an American says he or she would like to die at home : 7 in 10

I've told my kids to push me off the nearest cliff when the time comes. I just hope they aren't premature about that "time." Gee, Mommy... we thought we'd take a drive to the coast today."

Chance that he or she actually will : 1 in 4

See? There are lots of cliffs.

Estimated percentage of Americans injured by medical malpractice who file malpractice claims : 3

Dammit. This is the moment when I would otherwise talk about the fuck-up that was my mom's head operation. But I've been too silly, and now I can't talk about the fact that my dad was too embarrassed to question the doctor, and felt too guilty that Mom ended up in a nursing home for the nine remaining years of her life. 

Percentage of doctors in Florida who have no malpractice insurance coverage : 34

Feel free to explain this too me. Is it because there are so many old people down there?

Number of U.S. states where insurance companies can consider spousal abuse a preexisting condition : 8 

Sometimes I feel like I'm living in the Twilight Zone.

Percentage of British women who say they have never had sex while sober : 6

Random. But interesting? It's only six percent, after all. What is that, like two closets?

Rank of Adobe Photoshop Secrets among the most frequently pirated e-books this fall : 1

Dorks. (Inner struggle to resist going Open Salon meta and mentioning Freaky Troll... Damn you, people! You dragged me in!)

Rank of The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Amazing Sex : 2

Dorks who want to get lucky. (Tinkertink?)

Number of seats in the European parliament currently held by the Pirate Party, an anti-copyright group : 1

Ooo... Pirates! (Pirate Wimmen!)

Price for which an Australian firm will deliver 5,000 new Facebook friends : $727

Number A: Who wants that many friends, real or virtual? 2: Who are these virtual friend-slaves who are being sold to desperate people who probably also pirate Adobe Photoshop Secrets and that sex book? III: Why didn't I become an intellectual property lawyer? Stupid LSATs.

Number of U.S. states that have banned texting while driving : 27

And the other states are fine with all of the accidents. States rights! 

Number of these states that offer traffic updates via Twitter : 25

Fabulous. You can tweet and then get your Facebook slaves to come pick you up at the hospital or police station. It's going to be a long wait.

Figures cited are the latest available as of October 2009.

Either a lot or not much has happened in the meantime. I should put a number at the end of that fact to give it significance... I'll make up my own factoid...

Either a lot or not much has happened since October 2009 : 42

Do I comment on my own factoid? Well, we know what fourty-two means, don't we? It's obvious to the well-read.

“Harper’s Index” is a registered trademark. (Oops! I blame it on the pirates.)