SEPTEMBER 30, 2011 7:30AM
Glee Sectionals: McKinley High vs. St. Mary's Preparatory School for Bad Life-Choices Involving Kevin Federline
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Opening scene: On the day prior to sectionals competition, Finn, Artie, Mike and Tina are waiting for their fellow Glee Club members in the rehearsal room before class starts.
Artie: Hey, Finn. How’d your entrance test for Mensa go?
Finn: Pretty good. I think I spelled my name wrong, but after that it was cake …and a lot of weird shapes lined up in patterns. Way easier than Brittany eating that cat though. (Finn notices Artie’s face) Dude, what’s up with that tattoo?
Artie: I guess it means I’m a full member of 18th Street now.
Finn: Wasn’t 18th Street that boy band you were gonna join? Dude, they must be hardcore.
Artie: Yeah. I thought it was a boy band when I saw the ad in the paper, but turns out it was a violent El Salvadorian street gang. I thought they were gonna kill me, but one of their guys told me they’ve been gettin’ alotta flak for not having enough handicap members. It’s not too bad though. They use me to run over their victims after shooting them in the leg.
Finn (looking at Mercedes and Tina sitting behind him): What are you two doing?
Mercedes and Tina (simultaneously): …something.
Quinn walks in and starts inspecting all the electrical outlets.
Finn: Why are you doing that, Quinn?
Quinn: I’m making sure the room is baby-proofed. If McKinley High thinks of me as “Parent of the Year” then I better live up to their expectations. And that means you gleeksters better be prepared for kids or I’m out of here.
Artie: Where’s you baby at, Quinn?
Quinn: Probably with Mr. Schuester’s nut-job of an ex-wife. Quinn looks around: Speaking of nut jobs, where’s your girlfriend at, Finn?
Artie: Can’t you hear her in the hallway? Rachel’s turned political extremist in protest of Obama’s policies towards Israel. She’s vowed to keep singing Barbara Streisand's entire Yentl soundtrack unless the U.S. vetoes the Palestinian application for statehood.
Finn: Yeah. She’s already on the third iteration of “Where Is It Written.” I love Rachel, but right now I want to strap dynamite to my chest and run strait at her. She sounds like a cross between Dina Shore and the Sham Wow guy.
Kurt walks into class sporting a fabulous yellow vest.
Quinn: I wouldn’t normally compliment you, but that’s a fabulous yellow sweater vest, Kurt.
Kurt: Isn’t it? Ellen DeGeneres has an ebay site. Love it.
Mr. Schuester shuffles into the classroom, but doesn’t quite seem himself.
Finn: Mr. Schuester, are you okay? You’re walkin’ kinda funny.
Mr. Schuester: I’m fine Finn, I just took some of Coach Sylvester’s pills to relax a bit. …wait where’s the rest of the class?
Artie: Santana got suspended for killing the lunch lady’s cat. Brittany’s having her stomach pumped at the hospital. And Rachel’s using her voice to negotiate peace in the Middle East.
Mr. Schuester: That’s Rachel? I thought that was Dina Shore and the Sham Wow guy’s making a love-child together. Where’s Mike and Puck at?
At that moment in the hallway just outside the classroom, a football player throws a red slushy in Mike’s face causing his head to explode.
Finn: Oh my GAWD! They killed Mikey! You bastards!
Mr. Schuester: What about Puck? How are we supposed to win at Sectionals tomorrow against St. Mary’s Preparatory School for Bad Life-Choices Involving Kevin Federline without Puck?
Puck (steps over Mike’s headless body and strolls into class): I told you last week Mr. Schu, I’m helping ConAgra and Feeding America to end child hunger.
Mr. Schuester: Yeah, Puck, I know you said that, but we thought that was your way of saying you were stealing other kids' lunch money. We didn't think you were serious.
Puck: Oh, I’m very serious, Mr. Schu. Did you know that 21 million children depend on free or reduced price school meals? And now poverty is more rampant in the suburbs than it is in the city or rural areas?
Finn: It’s true. That’s what happened to that blond kid with the octo-lips from last year.
Artie: Really? I thought the writers got rid of him.
Finn: Well, kinda. The writers did want to get rid of him so they just made him poor.
schools can help out by going to the Schools Fight Hunger website and signing up to have a UPC label or food drive using specific ConAgra products listed on their website.
Mr. Schuester: Wow, Puck. I’m impressed. With that kinda spirit, I know we can win tomorrow at Sectionals. Oh, and look, the school band has suddenly materialized from thin air, so that means we can practice now.
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At Sectionals, the show choir from St. Mary’s Preparatory School for Bad Life-Choices Involving Kevin Federline performs first, and blows away the judges…
Then there's a dramatic silence and the McKinley High’s Glee Club takes the stage…
Mr. Schuester fidgets with his hair and keeps his legs crossed. Coach Sylvester glares at Will Schuester and his Glee Club as they get sing and dance their hearts out. At the end of the performance, the judges exchange glances and compare notes.
Then Puck steps out onto the front of the stage and takes the microphone. “Listen up everyone; don’t forget that Child Hunger Ends Here!”
The crowd goes wild. But who will the judges select to go on to Regionals? Find out in a few weeks...
Disclosure: As part of the Child Hunger Ends Here Campaign, ConAgra compensated me for this post, but it in no way affected my opinion on feeding hungry children or the cast of Glee.