Why We Should All Resolve to Understand
Ourselves Better Before Casting Judgment

    Care to guess what Tiger Woods' New Year's resolution might be? Why not; everyone else who writes does. You'll have to get to the back of a long line, though, and endure a lot of really lame jokes involving putters, drivers, head covers, and fire hydrants.
    Even ABC News has gotten into the act. Its "Entertainment Reporter" (isn't that a redundancy these days?) offers Tiger this profound advice: Resolution: Keep your eye on the ball and stop chasing the girls.
    So am I straying from my mission of writing on science and religion to engage in the same base act? Not exactly.  I want to, ahem, tee off on some thoughts about human nature, will power,  and morals.  Science has only lately turned its penetrating gaze on human nature, but already it has a lot to teach us.  Before getting to that, however,  I want to express some sympathy for Tiger.
     Gossip is part of human nature.  We didn't have to wait for science to tell us that.  The Bible nailed it in Proverbs 24:20: "Where no wood is, there the firegoeth out:  so where there is no talebearer, the strife ceaseth." However, science has shed some light on why we gossip.
      We humans,  like our primate cousins,  are status-seeking creatures. Almost nothing is more important to us than gaining respect in the eyes of our tribe -- whether that's our high school class or the high def TV audience.  And while we have an instinctive tendency to idolize those who enjoy high status,  nothing gives us greater malicious pleasure than to see the high and mighty toppled into the mud. Not only can you gain status by ridiculing the fallen,  you risk being spattered yourself if you show sympathy.
    Nevertheless, I will.  Not because I approve,  let alone condone,  his acts of betrayal,  but because I too am a weak, inconsistent, and sometimes self-sabotaging human being.  Chances are you are too. Let me hasten to add that Tiger has undoubtedly caused his wife, Elin, and entire family, deep and needless pain. They, but she especially, have my sympathy as well.
    Let me also state plainly that I am not making a veiled confession to sexual infidelity here. Philandering is not my style.  But I have plenty of shortcomings.
    A great one is overeating.  So once again with the start of a new year, I resolve to curb my excesses and lose some excess weight.  Odds that I will succeed are poor.  The extraordinary thing, though,  is that I could succeed with just a tiny tweak of my brain chemistry.  I know this because a couple of years ago my doctor put me on a trial of an amphetamine-like drug, and -- poof! -- my overeating problem disappeared.
    While I was on it, I couldn't believe that it had ever been a problem. The gnawing, ferocious drive to eat that I had always experienced was entirely gone.  I could even eat a potato chip and leave the rest of the bag untouched.  Regrettably, I could not tolerate the drug in the long run. Once I went off it, the old instincts gradually reasserted themselves.
    I imagine that for men like Tiger Woods,  something similar is going on. Eating and screwing are the two strongest instincts we possess.  If we didn't someone else would have elbowed our ancestors out of the race to survive and reproduce.
    The mainspring of all comedy and drama,  however,  lies in evolution's cruelest joke:  it does not distribute the instincts evenly across the sexes. To be specific, men and women have different evolutionary interests to advance. The "battle of the sexes" begins with an unfair division of labor. Men can reproduce almost without limit. All it takes is the insemination of a fertile member of the opposite sex.  After that, in all too many cases, it's her problem.
   Women,  on the other hand,  have to endure pregnancy and the extraordinarily difficult act of giving birth, and then raise a baby while somehow getting enough nourishment, shelter, and warmth for both. In the Era of Evolutionary Adaptation, this was no mean feat. We're all the descendants of extraordinarily determined, resourceful, and lucky women.
   However, a woman can only do this so many times during her life, and her chances of success go up greatly if she can count on the help of the baby's father during for at least the first dozen years or so.
   The upshot is that on average men have an instinctive drive to copulate whenever the opportunity presents.  Mind you, we *also* have an instinct to protect and nurture our offspring. We seem to want to try both the Johnny Appleseed and the Farmer Giles strategies.
   Women, on the other hand, have on average an instinctive drive to harness the best possible mate to the mutual task of raising offspring.  Their parents share this interest.  Hence, the instituion of marriage.
   Even so, this does not imply that women will always be faithful.  But it appears that when a woman is unfaithful it is most often in a selective way. What women will seek out, typically, is a man of high status and/or evident good genes. In short, a wealthy, successful athlete is to a woman what a Playboy Bunny is to a man.  Tiger, Tiger, burning bright, in the golf links of the night.
    Of course, privileged as many of us are to wallow in a wealthy, service-based economy, these evolutionary drives don't play out consistently. Given the flexibility of human nature, you can find countless contradictions.
    This is good. Thanks to culture, we don't have to live by the dictates of evolution. We can choose to limit our reproduction, or not to reproduce at all. We can fight against our cheating hearts. We can curb our gossiping tongues and change the channel when trash-TV comes on. It helps, however, to recognize what we're struggling against.
   Now, if only I can find a way to resist a second bowlful of that wonderful, creamy potato-cheese soup my wife Tari just made... "Mmmmmmm..." (says Homer) "soup!"

                                  *     *     *

Writers need readers. If you like this, please pass it on.