Are you tired of being taken advantage of?  Does your boss take you for granted or treat you like last year's mulch?  Do you grit your teeth and sit silently while someone with bad breath tells you their boring life story?  Does your neighbor have an oil well in his backyard and he won't sell you the property?

If you answered "yes", to any of these questions, then it is time to "Channel your Inner Cheney."  No matter how nice or liberal or enlightened or evolved you think you are, your "Inner Cheney" is still inside you, lying dormant like a lethal virus, ready to change your life.

The first step is to throw away whatever value system you live by, and replace it with this essential, all-purpose mantra, "The ends justifies the means".

Memorize this mantra for you will be reciting it thousands of times a day. Every morning, if you wake up, go to the mirror to recite the following Daily Negative Affirmations:

1)  The ends justifies the means.

2)  Go fuck yourself.

3)  No.  You go fuck yourself! 

4)  The statute of limitations has expired.

5)  Do you feel lucky?  Well do you, punk?

6)  Screw the Freedom of Information Act.

7)  I can ruin your life with one phone call.

8)  I have some photos of you that your wife might like to see.

9)  Let's you and I go hunting this weekend.

10) If I keep praying my son/daughter will stop being gay.

Once you start adopting the philosophy of "Channeling Your Inner Cheney" you will immediately start seeing major changes in your life.  At first, you will lose many friends.  This is an important milestone.  Anyone who can not accept the "new and improved you" must be swept aside.  Soon you will be making connections with the "right" kind of people.  Join the NRA - there you will meet many kindred spirits who are also in touch with their "Inner Cheney".

Well, what are you waiting for, wussy?  Pick up the damn phone.  Our illegal alien phone operators, making 58 cents an hour, are waiting for your call.  If they don't meet their quota, they will be fired and deported.