Pelosi Thought White House Said Watersports, Not Waterboard
WASHINGTON. Under fire from Republicans who accuse her of hypocrisy for criticizing torture techniques she approved, Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi today lashed back, saying she thought the Bush White House said "water sports", not "waterboarding".
Pelosi: "I'm from California, where water sports are common and accepted."
"Water sports such as wakeboarding are legal, cool, even gnarly," Pelosi (D-Cal) said at a news conference where she was peppered with questions, then topped with shaved parmesan cheese. "Gnarly" is a surfing term meaning "beyond radical or extreme", according to the Urban Dictionary.
Boehner: "I nailed the 360 crossing the wake."
House Republican leader John Boehner dismissed Pelosi's account, saying "There's been a lot of whining in the press about waterboarding. The people who are complaining are a bunch of pasty-faced journalism majors who are incapable of living a totally balls-out lifestyle."
"Gnarly, dude!"
"Waterboarding" is a generic term for surface water sports that involve a human being, a board, a body of water, a rope and a motorized boat to pull the human being by the rope on the board over the water that lived in the house that Jack built. The most common variations are water skiing and wakeboarding, although experienced practitioners of the sport are also capable of riding 2" by 4"s and Chinese back scratchers.
Caution: Experienced riders only.
CIA officials say waterboarding has resulted in cooperation by terror suspects who had resisted other popular culture inducements, including exposure to music by "American Idol" contestants and "Disney on Ice" spectaculars.
"Enough--I'll talk!"
"Waterboarding is a safe, effective way to get through to Islamofascist suspects," said Robert Bassick, Assistant Director of the CIA. "Once they realize how bitchin' cool America is, they don't want to establish a world-wide Caliphate that would ban beach volleyball."
TIP:
Enter the amount, and click "Tip" to submit!
Don Rich
Ken Honeywell
noah tawls
littlewillie
Damon E Walters
Matt Paust
Salon.com
Comments
Good one Con!
"I did not have sexual relations with that woman, Ms. Lewinsky."
said the undigested thought
Today the feeling came back, with a vengeance. So thank you, Con, for making me laugh at what may soon become unlaughable.
A handsome satire, sir.
Don't see much of a tan there.
btw: rack equals power
All you sane people out there: would you want to hang out with Harry Reid, take him seriously; would you want to have journalists lick your butt so you can disgrace yourself on teevee?
There needs to be a pycho test for politicians.
Wouldna ya all rather be sittin on the side of a lake watching the herons and loons?
I am very grateful that you did not put up a pic of Pelosi in a bikini.
Rated
Impeach Congress.
_____________
Like, totally rated.
Btw, Con 1) thank you for teaching me to spell "gnarly" 2) Borowitz has nothing on you and 3) gerbils?
In view of the developments of the last couple of days, I think that Pelosi would be well advised to go softly into that dark night and console herself with the millions that she may or may not have accumulated legitimately.
Rated.