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Con Chapman

Con Chapman
Boston, Massachusetts, US of A
September 28
. . . is the author of over fifty books--some with paper!--available on and elsewhere.


Editor’s Pick
AUGUST 3, 2009 8:33AM

Cash-for-Clunkers Program Expands to 8-Tracks, Other Crap

Rate: 6 Flag

WASHINGTON.  The highly-popular "cash-for-clunkers" program under which owners of gas-guzzling cars receive rebates from the federal government will be expanded to 8-track tapes and other crappy consumer goods, according to Ray LaHood, Transportation Secretary.


LaHood:  “I had no idea Lionel Richie was in The Commodores before he went solo.”

“We have these gigantic presses over at the U.S. Mint sitting idle on Sundays, and guys want time-and-a-half for overtime," LaHood said as he picked through a selection of the cassettes, an obsolete audio format, found in the returned "clunkers".  "We might as well print money and buy stuff to stimulate the economy." 

Cat Stevens 8-track tape:  Soft rock, or funding terrorism?

The cash-for-clunkers program has been derided as wasteful by Republicans, but Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner defended the expenditures as a means of preserving American history.   “We are filling holes in the Smithsonian's music collection--’80’s R&B, Heavy Metal, and Soft Rock, such as Bread, not to be confused with the staple food made by cooking a dough of flour and water," Geithner said.  "Also Former Soft-Rockers Who Have Converted to Islam such as Cat Stevens.”

Geithner:  "People tell me I look like one of the guys in Bread, but they can't remember which one."

In addition to 8-track tapes, the administration will propose that funds be used to repurchase car air fresheners even though they have a useful life shorter than most American cars.  "People use those little pine trees for Christmas ornaments," noted LaHood, "or you can throw them in your wife's underwear drawer as a sachet."

Car air freshener, and organza sachet

Eight-track tapes were a magnetic sound recording technology popular from the mid-1960s to the early 1980s.  They were more convenient than the original reel-to-reel format, which would often spray oxide-coated recording tape all over the front seat of your car just as things started to get hot and heavy with Sharon Bribiesca. 

Totally bitchin' cool 8-track carrying case

Owners of 8-tracks can receive rebates of up to $3,500 for tapes of Deep Purple and up to $4,500 for Barry Manilow.  "They have to be in good condition," says program director Earl "Buddy" Bucholz of the Treasury Department's Swap Meet and Tag Sale Division.  "By that I mean unplayable."

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I will be rushing out to my local flea market to gather as many 8 tracks that I possibly can.

What's next? Amiga computers?
I'm thinking Space Invaders.
What's a VCR deck worth? I think the gov should offer a rebate on them towards the purchase of a Blu-Ray DVD player. The energy savings would be fantastic!
I'm proud to say I still own a VCR for all those British Hitchcock movies I acquired right before the format became obsolete.
My greatest hits 8-track with Convoy, Hooked on a Feeling, I am Woman and Seasons in the Sun must be worth a fortune. What do you think Bay City Rollers and Linda Ronstandt tracks are going for? I think I could probably get 5 maybe 6 grand for Harry Keep the change and other story songs...Thanks for the tip...
Let's see how much could you get for the MBTA, The Massachusetts Legislature, the Tobin bridge, the Sagamore and Bourne Bridges...I could go on
"We had joy, we had fun, we had seasons in the sun, blodda blodda blodda blodda we had seasons in the sun." Correct?
I don't think I ever fully listened before I started slugging people.
Deep Purple underpriced
Barry Manilow waaay overpriced.
Does it extend to other household goods? I have some things I could contribute.

A pile of straps and parts to 10-year-old car seats we don't own any more.

A Clue game with only half the cards.

A collection of Littlest Pet Shop animals, sans heads.

A CD player that my son took apart to see how it works. Now it doesn't.
What--no snowboards?
Nope, no snowboards. Although I do have two sets of 20-year-old seldom-used cross-country skis, complete with boots that don't fit anyone in my house and don't match any of the binding styles currently on the market. So if you're the size my husband and I were 20 years ago, and would like some really old gear, you're in luck.
Sorry, I already have a pair of 20-year old seldom-used cross-country skis. Actually, four of them.
What, no market for my 20 YO 7/11-sized microwave that still works, despite being as big as a small fridge?

What about the perfectly servicable melamine dinnerware my mother still eats off of?

Seriously, where's my bailout?
I don't know which is more inventive -- the federal government or you.
I'll see you Iron Butterfly and match you Blue Cheer.