PLAISTOW, New Hampshire. The Coolidge Institution, a right-wing public policy group, today released a study that claims there is a correlation between espresso-based drinks and the political views of the people who consume them.
The Coolidge Institution
"Simply put," said Anatoly Dosvedanya, author of the monograph, "the more cappucinos and lattes a person drinks, the more likely he or she will vote Democratic." The study tracked over 20,000 coffee drinkers and found that customers of Dunkin' Donuts, whose coffee is a milder blend considered more suitable to American tastes, tended to be more conservative than patrons of Starbucks and other vendors that use dark-roast, "European"-style beans.
Latte: The stimulating espresso drink that is eating away at America's morals.
Dosvedanya says espresso drinks lead to other aberrational behavior. "Grown men wearing berets, riding bicycles to work, carrying backpacks instead of brief cases--all these indicators spike upwards with caffeine content," he indicated.
"I may look stupid, but I feel really smart."
At the opposite end of the political spectrum policy experts attacked the study as simplistic. "That's confusing coincidence with causation, like saying wet sidewalks cause rain," said Ty Burnett of the liberal Humprey Institution. "Granted, you don't see a lot of truck drivers drinking double espressos, but it could happen. Maybe."
"I'll have the biscuits and gravy, with a side of sausage, and a short, skim decaf latte, extra foam."
The research has raised concerns among Republican officials, who note that Starbucks and Peets coffee outlets are "spreading like kudzu" into reliably "red" states, according to Arizona state party chairman Edward "Dutch" Simpson. "There used to be a very clear line of demarcation--Starbucks stayed on the right and left coasts and we got the heartland. They're going after our base."
"The devil made me drink it."
Simpson said Republicans will fight back with a public relations campaign designed to persuade evangelical Christians that the lady on the Starbucks cup is a witch. "When in doubt," he noted with a tone of authority, "scare the bejeezus out of the snake handlers."