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Con Chapman

Con Chapman
Boston, Massachusetts, US of A
September 28
. . . is the author of over fifty books--some with paper!--available on and elsewhere.

Editor’s Pick
FEBRUARY 5, 2010 4:57PM

Conservative Group Says Lattes Cause Liberalism

Rate: 8 Flag

PLAISTOW, New Hampshire.  The Coolidge Institution, a right-wing public policy group, today released a study that claims there is a correlation between espresso-based drinks and the political views of the people who consume them.

The Coolidge Institution

"Simply put," said Anatoly Dosvedanya, author of the monograph, "the more cappucinos and lattes a  person drinks, the more likely he or she will vote Democratic."  The study tracked over 20,000 coffee drinkers and found that customers of Dunkin' Donuts, whose coffee is a milder blend considered more suitable to American tastes, tended to be more conservative than patrons of Starbucks and other vendors that use dark-roast, "European"-style beans.

Latte: The stimulating espresso drink that is eating away at America's morals.

Dosvedanya says espresso drinks lead to other aberrational behavior.  "Grown men wearing berets, riding bicycles to work, carrying backpacks instead of brief cases--all these indicators spike upwards with caffeine content," he indicated.

"I may look stupid, but I feel really smart."

At the opposite end of the political spectrum policy experts attacked the study as simplistic.  "That's confusing coincidence with causation, like saying wet sidewalks cause rain," said Ty Burnett of the liberal Humprey Institution.  "Granted, you don't see a lot of truck drivers drinking double espressos, but it could happen.  Maybe."

"I'll have the biscuits and gravy, with a side of sausage, and a short, skim decaf latte, extra foam."

The research has raised concerns among Republican officials, who note that Starbucks and Peets coffee outlets are "spreading like kudzu" into reliably "red" states, according to Arizona state party chairman Edward "Dutch" Simpson.  "There used to be a very clear line of demarcation--Starbucks stayed on the right and left coasts and we got the heartland.  They're going after our base."

"The devil made me drink it."

Simpson said Republicans will fight back with a public relations campaign designed to persuade evangelical Christians that the lady on the Starbucks cup is a witch.  "When in doubt," he noted with a tone of authority, "scare the bejeezus out of the snake handlers."

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latte, politics, comedy, satire, humor

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I try to be an equal opportunity offender.
Sorry, People who are wide awake are harder to fool. =o)

Anyway, have you seen those Dunkin' Donuts Coffee commercials? A woman ends up in a public place in her bathrobe, dragged there against her will by her supernaturally empowered coffee-mug?

And the red states think WE'RE controlled by Caffeine???? =o)

Hmmm. That Coolidge Institute looks a lot like my grampy's house. I think you just grabbed that off the internets NH real estate listings.

Pretty funny though. Makes me want a triple espresso and a hot guy in a beret.
That's not entirely accurate. Lattes cause homosexuality which often leads to liberalism. It's a gateway drink.
Here's a mind bender for OSer's. The Republican lieutenant governor candidate in Mass. is gay. Of course, the last three Democratic Speakers of the House in Mass. have been indicted, one for perjury--lying under oath about his efforts to thwart a redistricting plan that would have increased minority representation.

And people ask where I get my crazy ideas--I walk through them every day!
I am more liberal than any latte lappin' lefty you'll ever come across and I prefer Dunkin' over Starbucks any day. But that's mainly because dark roast makes me pee all the time.
Great post. Love "the devil made me drink it". Rated for that alone.
This concoction brewed from beans, which cometh from the New World, is indeed to be avoided. Once, when under the influence of this foul substance, I was seized with an urge to remove my waistcoat, and hoist my pantaloons, in public verily. Fortunate for me a member of the constabulary prevented me from proceeding to complete disaster, and the ultimate revelation was avoided. 'Twas a cold night in London though. (HurumphHurumph) Amen.