CULVER CITY, Ca.  Sony TV executives sought to calm widespread fears on the eve of the matchup between "Watson," an IBM computer, and two human contestants on tonight's historic Jeopardy episode, saying humans have nothing to fear from a victory by machine over man. 

" . . . and in this corner, weighing in at 2,000 gigadorks . . ."

"It really wouldn't be a big deal," noted Cline Fullmer, a spokesman for the syndicator of the highly-successful quiz show.  "Computers have been smarter than humans like, forever.  Does your laptop watch Jersey Shore?"

Motherboard:  "M is for her mem-o-ry so ro-bust . . ."

Still, a press release issued this morning provided comfort for humans who were reluctant to watch the show due to feelings of inferiority.  "Watson is what you would call a nerd, just like our most successful contestants," Fullmer noted.  "He is unmarried, lives at home with his mother-board, and has a shelf full of Star Wars action figures in his bedroom."

"This is the pre-quel wall . . ."

Jeopardy is a quiz show created by TV talk show host Merv Griffin that has aired continuously since 1964.  Contestants demonstrate a mastery of useless trivia, which they identify in the form of a question, for valuable prizes.  The show earns consistently high ratings despite the smarty-pants character of its contestants because, like the Iran-Iraq war, there is no way for both sides to win.

Wheatena:  Do NOT snort this stuff.

The computer will face off against two past human winners: Ken Jennings, an avid comic book fan who is active in high school quiz bowls, and Brad Rutter, who was inducted into the National Academic Championship Hall of Fame despite rumors that he used performance-enhancing hot cereals, such as Wheatena.  Jennings and Rutter have been awarded lifetime hall passes by their respective high schools in recognition of their transformation from insecure adolescent weenies to mature, successful weenies.