WASHINGTON, D.C.  In a move perceived as damage control, the Republican Party today appointed a panel of three babelicious beauties to investigate allegations of serial affairs by Newt Gingrich as the former Speaker of the House inched closer to announcing he is a candidate for President in 2012.

Gingrich:  "I don't know--four, maybe five.  On this hand."

"No one loves his country more than Newt," said Assistant Executive Director Sherburne Taylor.  "That doesn't mean he has to do the Mongolian Cartwheel with every campaign staffer in a skirt."

"Is that another boring book in your pocket, or are you just glad to see us?"

The panel will consist of Misti Fogg, a receptionist from Arlington, Virginia; Destiny Hope, a steak restaurant hostess from Tysons Corner, Maryland; and Naomi Jean Embree, an aerobics instructor from Wilmington, Delaware, who is undergoing name implant surgery.

"Look at the swing on that back porch!"

Gingrich is the author of twenty-five books, most recently "How to Hypnotize Women," a best-selling account of the techniques he uses to persuade staffers to overlook his looks and get into bed with him.  "Boredom is a powerful tool--use it to your advantage," the thrice-married Georgia native says in one passage.  "Lull the object of your affection to a half-waking dream-state by repeating 'Budget deficit--budget deficit--budget deficit.'"

"Somebody wants to know if our refrigerator is running for President."

In a recent interview Gingrich linked his wandering eye to his patriotism.  "There's no question at times in my life, partially driven by how passionately I felt about this country  . . . things happened in my life that were not appropriate," he told the Christian Broadcasting Network.  "This is why I recommend that high school civics classes be limited to three forty-five minute sessions per week."

In the mid-1990s, Gingrich began an affair with a staffer during the Lewinsky scandal when he was leader of the Republican investigation of Bill Clinton for perjury in connection with the President's alleged affairs.  Gingrich at first denied any improper relations, saying in a telephone interview that the woman, who was 23 years younger, was merely "a dear, very dear, oh my God yes that's it--YES!  Ahem--dear friend."