Buoyed by Polls, Generic GOP Candidate Announces Candidacy
SPRINGFIELD, Mo. Encouraged by a new Gallup poll in which voters preferred a generic Republican candidate to President Obama by five percentage points, generic politician Jim Smith today threw his hat in the ring and said he would join a crowded field of prescription Republicans in the race for his party's nomination.
"Run, Jim, run!"
"I have none of the proprietary side effects of a Mitt Romney, who belongs to a wacko cult, and I achieve a median grade in American History, which Michelle Bachman is always flubbing," Smith said to an average-sized crowd of lukewarm supporters. "I also don't have a weird, hard-to-remember name like Tim Pawlenty."
Smith is a resident of Missouri, which includes the geographical and population centers of the United States. He is married with 2.3 children, Chip, Susie and Gr.eg, and has a dog and a cat. He lives on 123 Elm Street in Springfield, the most popular name for a municipality in America.
In a relaxed moment.
"He's the complete package," says pollster Todd DeMaleo of Decision Pollsters & Strategy. "I'm afraid if I ask he'll tell me he was born in a log cabin that he built with his own hands."
Smith is a member of the Jim Smith Society, a +1,000 member organization whose only condition of membership is that applicants be named "Jim Smith." "We were formed to fight discrimination against people named 'Jim Smith,' who face disbelief when they try to check into a motel using their real name," said Vice President Jim Smith, standing in for President Jim Smith, who was indisposed.
Possible running mate?
The current field of Republican candidates has been criticized for blandness since former Arkansas Governor Mike Huckabee decided to drop out of the race. "Say what you will about a former bass player who pardoned a member of the Rolling Stones and cooks squirrels in a popcorn popper," said DeMaleo. "He did add that certain frisson of excitement to your average candidate meet-and-greet--at least among Republicans."
Priebus: *sniff* Do I smell popcorn?
GOP Chairman Reince "Yes That Really is My Name" Priebus said he welcomed Smith's candidacy. "I like his style. He looked me straight in the eye and said 'My bar code is my bond, go ahead and do a price check on me.'"
The Republican Party traditionally chooses its candidate by a series of state primary elections, which are decided in favor of the oldest white guy on the ballot. Former pizza magnate Herman Cain, an African-American, has upset that calculus this election cycle, opening up running room for bland outsiders like Smith. "What you see with me is what you get," Smith told an Associated Press stringer assigned to follow his campaign. "Old people and young families love generics--and they vote."