BILOXI, Mississippi.  An estimated 50,000 fans lined the streets of this sweltering city today to cheer Mississippi's seventh consecutive National Fat Championship, with former GOP National Chairman Haley Barbour serving as Grand Marshall of the victory parade.

Barbour:  "The sandwich was this long, and I said 'Haven't you got anything bigger?'"

"We kick every other state's ass every year, because our ass is too big to be kicked!" Barbour said to the cheering throng that assembled at the parade's terminus point.  "Whenever I hear some rail-thin resident of Colorado say they lost ten pounds, I tell 'em 'Come to Mississippi--you'll find 'em!'"

"I won't rest until every American has at least two chins."

Mississippi was crowned fat king by the Trust for America's Health, which takes an annual measurement of the nation's obesity.  "It's the Super Bowl of Fat," said Morris Dyson of the website iwantafatgirltonite.com.  "Mississippi wins every year because they pour millions into education and training in poor eating habits."

The United States is getting bigger and bigger every year, according to this year's report, and Barbour said he felt America was starting to catch up with positions he has taken for many years, such as seated and prone.  "Everyone who knows me knows I have struggled with my weight over the years," said Barbour in a subdued tone as he struck a personal note with the assembled throng.  "What they perhaps don't know is that my weight has consistently won those struggles."

"Are you gonna finish that?  'Cause if not, I'm still hungry."

Barbour removed his hat from the ring for the 2012 GOP presidential nomination after voters in several primary states failed to warm up to his candidacy.  "He came into the local diner, just like all them politicians do," said Everett Jackson of Plaistow, New Hampshire.  "Then he gave me a Barbour for President pin and took a donut and a handful of hash browns off my plate."