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DECEMBER 21, 2011 3:03PM

Holiday Party "Dos" and "Don'ts"

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The holiday season is upon us, which means time for office parties.  Many careers have crashed and burned as a result of inappropriate behavior ‘neath the office Christmas tree/menorah/Kwanzaa thingy, so here are a few tips to make sure you still have a job come New Year’s Eve:

Executive Vice President of Break-Dancing

Do bring something to place in the “Toys for Tots” bin.  Atlanta gift consultant Marnie Updegrove says it is perfectly acceptable to “regift” a waffle iron or Dustbuster that you received last year on an impoverished child.  “For many children, the soothing hum of a small appliance or hand-held vacuum brings more happiness than they can imagine," she notes, "unless their no-count mother practices her exotic dancing routines in front of them.”

“Not now sweetie, Mommy’s practicing.”

Don’t get all atheist on everybody.  When your boss wishes you “Merry Christmas,” keep your opinions to yourself rather than saying “I don’t see what’s so ‘merry’ about a religion that used thumbscrews on rabbis during the Spanish Inquisition!”--unless you’ve already received your bonus check.

“Okay–I’ll switch from Hebrew National to Oscar Mayer!”

Do celebrate the season:  Nobody likes a Gloomy Gus or Gertie who’s worried about whether Acme Widget gets that rush shipment of gadgets on Christmas Eve!  Drop what you’re doing even if you’re facing an overnight deadline and get over to the bar or hotel where others are celebrating.  They must want you there or you wouldn’t have been invited–assuming you were.

“Bob from the supply room was right–the Glue Stick Dance is fun!”

Don’t take hostages:  Challenger Corp., a Chicago-based employment consultant, says holiday-related hostage situations are up 3.6% over the last two years, a fact that they attribute to a slumping economy.  “Both salaried and hourly workers are feeling threatened, which accounts for the spike in cloak-room standoffs,” says consultant John Ervin.  If you must hold someone against his or her will, make sure you pick someone from a lower pay grade than yours.

“Is that a peppermint stick in your pocket, or are you just glad to see me?”

Do open up your heart to your co-workers-it’s the “reason for the season”!  If you’ve imagined Phyllis in accounting dressed in rubber underwear every time you submit your expense report--let her know how festive she looks in her red clingy knit sweater with the poinsettia corsage positioned directly above her left baby-feeder!  Before you begin to nibble, however, remember that this plant is toxic for pets, and thus can’t be good for humans.

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Con C. Stay home and view the DVD ` Psycho with your secretary. Huh?
Don't attend Boston's Lawyer's Winter Solstice Party and eat too much cheese.
Make cheese, not war. No ever show law peers your wife's nipple ring,
Random Thoughts:
Cranky Cuss's date?
He find gal @ Salon?
@ Salon Personnel?
Does -
Eat spam candy cane.
Smoke frank furthers.
Lick happy bear's nose.
Drink wine and eat cheese.
Polka with Salon Polar Bear.
Meet @ Big Salon and behave.
Damn! I wish I would've seen this BEFORE my office party!
C'mon--you know you want to Glue Stick dance!
Such good advice for the unitiated.
Wish I were going to an office party. Self employment is a lonely place.
(Said after whipping up a batch of Remus Fizzes at home in the mountains with hubby and the pupster.) Ain't complainin'!
Thanks! My office party's tomorrow. I'm outta there before they pull out the karaoke machine.
"Danke schoen, darling . . . danke schoen."
Should of posted this at Thanksgiving. For some poor souls, this came too late! (And you know who you are!)
Con, your fruitcake from our family is on the way and should be there any day. Enjoy!
I must be the only person in the world who actually likes fruit cake.
I really wish you had not posted that photo of me break dancing. I wasn't an executive anything and, in fact, it cost me my job as Energy Efficiency Monitor for the company - altho there might have been other reasons, as well. Needless to say, I do not mention this brief period of employment on my curriculum vitae.
You can fill in that gap on your resume with "non-profit consultant to hip-hop dance team."
What Art James said, plus a personal note: unemployment ROCKS! I had forgotten how purely awful it was to endure forced socializing with people one must be paid to like.
I tried it, but people in the unemployment office used that line about me.
And don't tell anyone until after the party that you jerked off in the eggnog.
I'm saving my stuff for Phyllis in accounting.
Always wear a dress that covers your "baby exit".
To this, I can only add "More cowbell!" thanks for the chortles.
If you really want to get the party started, leaving the bell attached to the cow.