Marriage counselors increasingly tell couples in relationships that have gone stale to “fake it until you make it,” but who can afford high-priced “experts” with professional training?  Ask Your Fake Romance Advisor for guidance in navigating the narrow path to convincing relationship fraud.

“I hope he understands I’m not faking how pissed I am.”

Dear Fake Romance Advisor:

I read what you wrote to “(Formerly) Loving Hubby in Osawatomie” and don’t think you solved his problem at all.  A man can’t “fake” affection with a wife who makes him sleep in a camper trailer out back beyond his do-it-yourself smoke house.  This is grounds for divorce where I come from, and am wondering why you always take the side of the woman.

Floyd Nurth, Newport News, VA

“I hate when he gets post-nasal drip!”

Dear Floyd:

I know it takes “two to tango,” but it only takes one to read what I wrote, which I quote in pertinent part: “If necessary, you can ‘lure’ your reluctant wife to a romantic rendez-vous in that smoke house you’re so proud of by stringing up a selection of meats and cheeses for her delight.  A woman doesn’t need to fake her enthusiasm for tasty smoked Gouda single sandwich slices.”

“She doesn’t understand my need to burp.”

Dear Fake Romance Advisor:

I perfected my fake orgasm many years ago and am quite proud of it.  Recently I surprised the “gals” in my book group by performing my impersonation of myself after I have received something nicer than the cheap costume jewelry my husband usually buys at big box store going-out-of-business sales.  Long story short, I set off the smoke alarm in Mara Louise Katz’s kitchen, which of course brought the fire department to her house.  It looks like there will be something in our local paper about it this Thursday, and am wondering if you have any advice as to how to explain things to my husband when he reads it.

Dotty Moaglin, Paducah, Kentucky

“You’ve got some kind of wart on your knuckle.”

Dear Dotty:

You can make “lemon squares” from the lemon of your deception by telling your husband you did it to keep your marriage together and anyway why should he care because he still got laid?

Dear Fake Romance Lady:

I am exhausted trying to fake interest in football for my husband.  Whenever I suggest we watch ice dancing or the National Division 1 Dance Team finals he always says “Look at the ratings–normal people prefer violent contact sports that produce concussions–duh.”  Then he goes off to the kitchen for a beer and honey-roasted peanuts, which leave stains on the couch.

I am at my wit’s end–how do I get him to fake it for me?

Cynda Twohig, Rancho del Vista, California

Dear Cynda–and my what a pretty name!

I hope you remembered to write your own wedding vows as I suggested in my home videotape “Fake Your Way With Romantic Cliches!”  If you didn’t, you will find that the revised wedding ceremony in the Book of Common Prayer includes a promise to “honor thy husband’s weekend programming wishes, unless there’s nothing on besides NASCAR or pro bowling in which case you can make him watch a Lifetime ‘disease-of-the-week’ movie.”