Friction in the workplace among co-workers saps productivity at a time when we need to get our economy going again!  Got a problem where you work?  Ask Your Workplace Conflict Advisor!

Dear My (or is it “Your”) Workplace Conflict Advisor:

Recently I was up for promotion to district sales manager but it went instead to Mary Ellen Canavan, based on her 4Q performance.  I hacked into the accounts receivables department’s computers and found out she had not given me credit for 50% of the billings to Litzmayer Pneumatic Fasteners, even though I accompanied her on the sales call wearing a low-cut blouse to show off my decolletage, of which Mary Ellen has none.

When I found out I said to myself–count to ten, don’t do anything stupid, just like you always tell people.  I went to the drug store, got a box of latex gloves and wrote several anonymous letters to company “higher ups” detailing Mary Ellen’s pefridy.  I also called the state “Tax Cheat Bounty Hot Line” and told them how the Canavans have for years registered their Ski-doo in New Hampshire even though they live full time in Mass.  Lastly, because I did not want to leave any “stone unturned,” I jimmied a screen off an open window at Mary Ellen’s house while she was gone for the weekend and stuffed Jimmy Dean Pure Pork Sausage into various out-of-the way nooks and crannies so that she would be overcome by the stink of rotting meat when she got home.

I “regaled” some friends with my story last weekend at our annual Pro Bowl fondue party and a part-time mall security copy who was there said I may have violated the law, he said he was going to look it up but he hasn’t.  Have I broken some kind of rule, written or unwritten?

Barbara Fluor, Seekonk, Mass.
Dear Barbara:

I’m afraid your friend’s suspicion is correct.  The word you were thinking of is “perfidy,” not “pefridy,” which is a town of approximately 5,000 in southwest Ohio.

Dear Workplace Conflict Advisor:

Every year we have to sit through stupid “sexual harassment training videos,” company policy.  I notice that the man is always wrong in these films–say a secretary succumbs to her boss’s persistent advances and finally agrees to have an affair with him even though he’s married.  Suddenly, it’s all his fault.  I have learned to “play the game” when it comes time to fill in the blanks on the written exam, but I am wondering: how the hell are people supposed to get anything done at work without having a little fun every once in a while?

I’d appreciate an answer within 30 days as “Denise,” the logistics director on the back loading dock, says the human gestation period–whatever that is–is 9 months.

Furman Lees, Cape Girardeau, MO

“But . . . I don’t want to play Nuzzle the Nippers.”

Dear Furman:

You are correct.  Under 23 CFR 103.12(b)(ii), all training videos used by employers doing business in interestate commerce with more than fifteen (15) employees must depict males as lecherous satyrs whose sole purpose in coming to work is to breed in order to perpetuate their genetic characteristics.  Keep answering the questions correctly, and you should be up for promotion soon!

Workplace Advisor Lady (or Man):

I’m the guy who wrote in two months ago asking what I should do about my boss’s wife, who always flirts with me at the office Christmas party.  She did it again in December, and we ended up in a private suite at the Turnpike Inn overlooking Route 93 when her husband passed out after winning a bet he could drink a Scorpion Bowl by himself.

Well, no good deed goes unpunished.  My expense voucher for the room was bounced back by accounting who says I need my boss’s signature, and he has questioned the charge, saying he went to sleep and didn’t get a room, why should I?

Workplace Advisor Person, should I tell him the truth–that his wife is ready to leave him for me because he never flosses–or just eat the $123.50.  We had one beer apiece from the little fridge that was in the room, the pretzels were complimentary.

Floyd Gehrke, Paducah KY

Dear Floyd:

It sounds like you have had quite enough to “eat” so I don’t think you should be liable for a room that was properly authorized by your CEOs spouse under the principle of “delegated authority” and “spousal immunity.”  Contact an employment lawyer to see if there’s a class action for people like you, and if not, revise your expense report to say “Required professional development seminar.”