Master of Ceremonies:

Hello once again everybody and welcome to another edition of Are You Cooking With Me Jesus?--the show that helps you make every meal . . . simply divine. Without further ado let’s bring out the star of the show, the Big Boss With the Hot Sauce—Jesus Christ!

Jesus Christ: Thanks—glad to be here.

MC: Last week you showed us how to turn water into wine, a tip that comes in handy when you’ve run out of chardonnay

JC: Well, you know, miracles aren’t an important part of religion, but they’re essential when you’re entertaining.

"We're out of the Kendall-Jackson, and we're running low on cabernet . . ."

MC: How true! Do you have any other miraculous tips for making a party a success?

JC: Sure do. Today I’m going to show you how to s-t-r-e-t-c-h a thinly-stocked refrigerator to feed a party of five thousand.

MC: Get outta town! If you did that it’d be . . .

JC: A miracle—I know.

MC: Okay, I’m going to stand back and let the expert go to work!

JC: First of all, if you don’t have a lot of food when friends drop in, you can divert their attention from their growling stomachs by making them feel comfortable in your home.

MC: Sort of a divine Martha Stewart approach?

JC: Exactly. Make sure you have plenty of fancy cocktail napkins and a festive floral arrangement for guests to “feast” their eyes on, so they don’t get crabby.

MC: I get it. Now, what are you going to start with?

JC: I’m going to make this tough on myself and just use ingredients that everyone has in the house.

MC: Like?

JC: A can of tuna . . .

MC: Any particular brand?

JC: A lot of people insist on Bumble Bee, but you know what the mermaids say.

MC: What?

JC: “Ask any mermaid you happen to see, what’s the best tuna? Chicken of the Sea!”

MC: Right. That’s such a catchy jingle.

JC: That’s why you can always remember the words, whereas with Bumble Bee nobody ever gets past “Bum-bum-bumble bee, Bumble Bee Too-oo-na.”

"If you ate tuna instead of that greasy hamburger, you wouldn't be a dodge-ball target."

MC: (To audience) Isn’t he incredible?

[Applause]

JC: We have such fun on this show, don’t we?

MC: We sure do. Anyway . . .

JC: Back to work. Along with tuna, everybody’s got an onion and a stalk of celery in their crisper.

[Groans from audience]

JC: Come on—you know you haven’t cleaned out that drawer since the last time you went to Mass! So we’re going to chop the celery and the onion . . .

[Demonstrates]

MC: You’re pretty good with that knife . . .

"I'm going to need some mayo, too!"

JC: When I threw the money changers out of the temple, do you think I did it with a handful of freakin’ rosary beads?

MC: Guess not.

JC: Then you cut your loaf of bread up into little squres, to make tea sandwiches.

MC: To make people think they’re getting more to eat . . .

JC: . . . when all they’re doing is eating more units.

MC: So “defining dining down”?

JC: Precisely. Now I made the tuna salad up beforehand so we wouldn’t bore our guests in the studio or out there in television land at home, so we spread it over the little bread squares and . . . voila—it’s party time!

MC: Amazing!

JC: Go ahead—try one.

[Samples finger sandwich]

MC: Umph—these are good!

JC: Thanks. Why don’t we pass a plate around to the audience.

[Appreciative applause]

MC: You know . . . there’s something else in these that turns them from a boring, humdrum appetizer into something really special.

JC: You mean, something I didn’t include in the demonstration?

MC: Right.

JC: Let’s see . . . I mentioned the bread, the celery, the onion . . .

MC: The tuna . . .

JC: I know what I forgot to mention . . .

MC: What?

JC: The ingredient you need to feed a crowd of five thousand . . .

MC: As recounted in the Gospel of John, Book 6, verses 1 to 14?

JC: Right.

MC: What’s that?

JC: Miracle Whip.