WASHINGTON, D.C. In a move fraught with political peril, President Obama yesterday touched the “third rail” of American politics, saying McDonalds policy of offering free or discounted coffee to senior citizens threatened to bankrupt the nation’s fast-food industry.
“You’ll take away my McDonalds coffee when you pry my cold, dead fingers off the cup.”
“My Republican opponents have accused me of timidity for not taking on the issue of entitlements,” Obama told a skeptical crowd at a plenary session of the American Association of Elderly Freeloaders. “We cannot mortgage the future of our children on the backs of a mixed metaphor.”
“I pledge allegiance to the arches . . . of the United States of McDonalds.”
McDonalds is the world’s largest chain of fast food restaurants, but the overwhelming majority of its outlets are owned by independent franchisees who are free to vary or even forego its recommended policy of free or discounted coffee for seniors. “The lack of uniformity leads to long lines and disputes between cashiers and senior citizens,” notes Charles Boul, an assistant undersecretary at the Department of Commerce. “The pimply kid at the register will say ‘Senior coffee is fifty-three cents’ and the elderly customer will say ‘You think I have nifty Depends?”
“He didn’t even offer us a cup of coffee.”
The President appointed a bipartisan commission to address runaway entitlement spending, then promptly ignored its recommendations when they were delivered to him. “I thank the commission for their efforts, but there is a time and a place to address these issues,” the President said as Erskine Bowles and Alan Simpson, chairmen, were escorted off the White House grounds by the Secret Service. “The time is after the 2012 election, and the place is the same pile where all these reports go in the POTUS state-of-the-art recycling center.”
In an exit poll of toddlers leaving a McDonalds in Tysons Corner, Maryland, 33% did not expect the company to offer free or reduced price coffee when they reached retirement age, 41% were unconcerned because they expect to be abducted by aliens before Social Security runs out, and 26% were dissatisfied with the Happy Meal toy they had received.
“Who says it’s too early for French fries?”
The last Democratic President to address the issue of McDonalds’ policy was Bill Clinton, who would frequently stop at the chain’s restaurants after jogging for a cup of coffee for which he paid full price. “He certainly did his part to reduce the burden of Social Security on future generations,” notes Maude Dundee, an “eighty-something” resident of Arlington, Virginia. “He’d come in all sweaty in jogging shorts and gross out somebody who’d keel over and die before they collected all their benefits.”