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Con Chapman

Con Chapman
Boston, Massachusetts, US of A
September 28
. . . is the author of over fifty books--some with paper!--available on and elsewhere.


FEBRUARY 27, 2012 8:08AM

Obama: McDonalds Senior Coffee an Unsustainable Entitlement

Rate: 16 Flag

WASHINGTON, D.C.  In a move fraught with political peril, President Obama yesterday touched the “third rail” of American politics, saying McDonalds policy of offering free or discounted coffee to senior citizens threatened to bankrupt the nation’s fast-food industry.

“You’ll take away my McDonalds coffee when you pry my cold, dead fingers off the cup.”

“My Republican opponents have accused me of timidity for not taking on the issue of entitlements,” Obama told a skeptical crowd at a plenary session of the American Association of Elderly Freeloaders.  “We cannot mortgage the future of our children on the backs of a mixed metaphor.”

“I pledge allegiance to the arches . . . of the United States of McDonalds.”

McDonalds is the world’s largest chain of fast food restaurants, but the overwhelming majority of its outlets are owned by independent franchisees who are free to vary or even forego its recommended policy of free or discounted coffee for seniors.  “The lack of uniformity leads to long lines and disputes between cashiers and senior citizens,” notes Charles Boul, an assistant undersecretary at the Department of Commerce.  “The pimply kid at the register will say ‘Senior coffee is fifty-three cents’ and the elderly customer will say ‘You think I have nifty Depends?”

“He didn’t even offer us a cup of coffee.”

The President appointed a bipartisan commission to address runaway entitlement spending, then promptly ignored its recommendations when they were delivered to him.  “I thank the commission for their efforts, but there is a time and a place to address these issues,” the President said as Erskine Bowles and Alan Simpson, chairmen, were escorted off the White House grounds by the Secret Service.  “The time is after the 2012 election, and the place is the same pile where all these reports go in the POTUS state-of-the-art recycling center.”

In an exit poll of toddlers leaving a McDonalds in Tysons Corner, Maryland, 33% did not expect the company to offer free or reduced price coffee when they reached retirement age, 41% were unconcerned because they expect to be abducted by aliens before Social Security runs out, and 26% were dissatisfied with the Happy Meal toy they had received. 

“Who says it’s too early for French fries?”

The last Democratic President to address the issue of McDonalds’ policy was Bill Clinton, who would frequently stop at the chain’s restaurants after jogging for a cup of coffee for which he paid full price.  “He certainly did his part to reduce the burden of Social Security on future generations,” notes Maude Dundee, an “eighty-something” resident of Arlington, Virginia.  “He’d come in all sweaty in jogging shorts and gross out somebody who’d keel over and die before they collected all their benefits.”

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The picture of Al Gore and Bill Clinton in something resembling shorts makes this story complete.
I have to recalibrate my entire sense of Personal Caffeine. Caffeine IS the Personal, IS the Political.
Gore looks so svelte.
About time Obama balled up. (I think I just coined a new expression. Woo hoo.)
I think you meant "coffee'd up."
Getting all concerned about your pending complimentary coffee in your upcoming Golden Years? I know I am!
Boned up? Took a flying leap over the cauldron of his caffeinated constituency?
In doing my customary in-depth research for this piece (4.5 minutes on the internet), I was amazed at the number of angry incidents between seniors wanting their free/cheap coffee and McDonalds franchisees trying to calm them down. The seniors then complain on-line, and the under-65 crowd attacks their entitlement mentality--great fun for all!
They're either suing because the damned coffee's too hot or they're bitching because it's not free. No wonder the best comic routines are written in this country.
Like the little girl who wrote home from summer camp "The food is awful and the portions are too small."
Bill's gone vegan, and is looking good these days. Gore's put on the pounds picking up prizes around the world.
I dont drink coffee Im a mes as it is hahha
McDonalds has free coffee?! Damn. I'm outta here.
I'm going to be a senior citizen soon. I want my McDonald's senior citizen coffee rights upheld!
I think the coffee there is so bad I won't drink it, leaving it to get cold for future generations.
Hilarious! I agree with Mary - the photo is priceless.
I was skinnier during the Clinton years too, so I'm willing to cut them some slack.
Now wondering what the age for senior discounts is at Mc D's. It varies much where I live and am always surprised when it starts under age 65. Not there yet, but some theaters offer senior discounts at 60! Works for me! With so many seniors on fixed or limited income, it seems appropriate and enticing to offer discounts to those who have worked very hard, contributing to the system and can have a little something to look forward to, even if only a cheap cup of coffee.
All sorts of variations--some start at 55, another outlet gives it to anyone who asks, which is unfair to those who've actually suffered that long for a lousy cup of coffee.
My retirement plan has always revolved around spilling a cup of McDonald's coffee in my lap. Will this shift in discounted coffee policy interfere with the spill entitlement?
Only if everybody else thinks of the same thing, bankrupting McDonalds.
Dayem, and to think we all wore shorts like that "back in the day". I will give up my free senior coffee when they pry the styrofoam cup from my cold, dead fingers. It's a God given right. Where is Charlton Heston when we most need him?
He's up on Mt. Sinai. There's a Starbucks up there.
As a former colleague of mine used to say when faced with a hopeless situation, "Maybe we should all just stay home and smoke dope."
I don't know about you - but I was "Carded"! R
You should be flattered. At sports venues around here they have to card everybody by law--I think some people go to games just to feel young again.
But wait! I really do like the 'Mini Meals" for $2.88! Can get a "Double cheeseburger, small fries and a drink!" That's a sweet deal!
Check out the recent Wall Street Journal article on Sliders and Chardonnay. Lowbrow food with highbrow beverages.