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Con Chapman

Con Chapman
Boston, Massachusetts, US of A
September 28
. . . is the author of over fifty books--some with paper!--available on and elsewhere.

Editor’s Pick
MARCH 2, 2012 7:49AM

Mullet-Americans Seen as Likely Swing Vote This Fall

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HOXIE, Arkansas.  This town in Northeast Arkansas is drawing an unusual amount of attention as this fall's election approaches with the announcement by the Department of the Census that it has become the mean center of the nation's mullets--a hairstyle that is short in the front and long in the back.

Likely Mullet-American voter

"Knob Noster can kiss my grits," said Hoxie Chamber of Commerce President Herman Orthwell, referring to the Missouri town that previously held the distinction.

Bob Radik, Dog Catcher of Pettis County, Oklahoma:  "I
own the mullet vote around here."

Mullet-wearers, long derided as unreliable employees and unattractive marriage prospects, are being viewed as an untapped resource by both Democratic and Republican Party elders seeking any edge they can find in close congressional races.  "Mullet-wearers represent a huge pool of potential voters that has hardly been skimmed for pond scum," says Charles Collins, a principal of Electoral Strategies in Washington, D.C.  "There are over four million of them, but only 3% have ever cast a ballot for any public office other than dog-catcher.  Eighty-one percent have never registered, and the remaining 16% are convicted felons who can't vote."

The mullet center of America is defined as the point at which an imaginary, flat, weightless, and rigid map of the United States would balance perfectly if weights of identical value were placed on each of the nation's mullet-wearers.  "It really is an approximation," says Clyde Tillotson, a demographer who follows population trends for the Census Bureau.  "We tried putting weights on mullet-heads, and they punched our lights out."

Billy Ray Cyrus:  Not a lesbian bartender.

The golden age of the mullet began in the 1970's and ended in the 1990's, but its impact on American life and culture continues, according to Arthur Widoff, Professor of American Culture or Lack Thereof at St. Olaf's College.  "The mullet goes by as many nicknames in this country as we have states," he notes.  "It is called a 'Kentucky Waterfall,' a 'Missouri Compromise,' a 'Mississippi Mudflap,' a 'Tennessee Tophat' and a 'Louisiana Purchase.'  It is probably the only shibboleth that can reliably be used to identify both Billy Ray Cyrus fans and lesbian bartenders on their day off."

Florence Henderson:  Soccer-mom mullet head.

It is believed that the mullet was first developed by Jean Baptiste Prosper Bressant, a 19th century French actor who persuaded Florence Henderson to wear the style in the opening credits of The Brady Bunch in 1973.  Among high school dropouts who go on to sell wholesale auto parts, the look is known as "Business in the Front, Party in the Back," because of its versatility in a variety of social settings.

Mullet, Mullette and Mini-Mullet.

Mullet heads tend to be anti-gun control and thus unlikely to vote Democratic, but GOP candidates say they can't take the mullet vote for granted.  "Too many mullet heads have a sense of resentment towards the upper classes," says former Republican Party chairman Haley Barbour.  "We're going to try and change that by allowing them to take home the scraps when they bus dishes at country clubs."

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mullets, satire, comedy, spoof, humor

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The family that gets their haircuts together, ends up with a mom who's a slut together.
Would that be you and your lovely wife and child in the last picture?
Hey--that's my in-laws!
My inner Matt Paust is growing an old man's mullet and may debut it here today with my new Save the Dumas Brothel T-shirt in a new avatar photo. Meanwhile, busy dude that we are, we're setting up a betting pool to guess which of the remaining morons still seeking the GOP nod will be the first to wear a mullet wig on the campaign trail. I've got dibs on Reeeky Santeria.
Tim Pawlenty has been growing his out in a secure location in the Black Hills of Montana.
The land of the mullets where they dont get Presidents Day and martin Luther King day off but they do get the first day of hunting off where they use mullets for trapping..:)
Business in the front, party in the back. Oh, the power of the mullet!
Opening day limit on mullets is one buck, one doe, one kid.
Well, it wouldn't do to have party in the front business in the back. Unless you were a backwards mailman.
Those are some handsome mullets you fished out there Con, although Swayze had I think the all-time mullet, although Bill Ray... that's a tough one there.
I had gone so long without a haircut that I technically had a mullet. It was a sobering realization and I couldn't get it cut fast enough. I cleaned up, but still I feel like there's a mark on my soul now.
There's a special ring in Purgatory for mullet-heads. They are allowed to go to heaven once they get styled at the SuperCuts located in the Mall of Purgatory.
I have a mullet, but I'm afraid mine is related more to MPB than TCB.
they were rescued from the clinics for this purpose
Once again, I have to look up methane producing bacteria because of OS commenters' superior knowledge of physical sciences.
Male Pattern Baldness, not Taking Care of Business
Shows what I get when I depend on Wikipedia.
You're quite right to point out that mullet heads tend to vote Republican. However, due to their heavy intake of cheap beer, Democrats figure there's a 50-50 chance the mullet will vote for the Dem by mistake.
Never had a mullet, but once upon a time I grew a screenwriters' ponytail on a bet with my step-son... I wonder what the voter demographics are for that hairstyle. I'm betting they're all over the place.

Screenwriters are waiting to take a meeting, then do lunch, and by the time they're done the polls are closed.

There's much to be said for those untapped resources. :)

Mullet=Freak Flag at Half Mast.
A human chia pet gone horribly awry.
Finally. Someone gets it.

Mullets will cast the deciding vote in 2012.

Pro gun, pro sex, pro drunk driving. An ambivalent view with respect to cops.

Snookie as Veep.
Up in these here parts, it's drunk driving . . . on snowmobiles. Sort of like a NASCAR-Winter Olympics mash-up.
What percentage can read?
I had a very nice mullet for most of the eighties. When my wife made me cut it off, my IQ went up 30 points!
Con Chapman--creative force!

I always read you and spark away with out-of-the-way ideas. Today for instance (and this one hit like a diamond bullet right between the eyes)--how about Japanese fortune cookies curled around Haiku?!
I am looking for someone with good penmanship.
Culinary skills would be helpful as well.

Want in early?
Wait, seriously, that's a family portrait? I wonder if they look back on it in shame?
I think they do a Dan Quayle jiu jitsu move and wear others' scorn as a badge of pride.
Do what now?

I always thought mullets were fish. And people with haircuts like Billy Ray couldn't stick around at the hairdressers' long enough to get the back cut off.
So glad to have you here with these POVs
.........(¯`v´¯) (¯`v´¯)
............... *•.¸.•* ♥⋆★•❥ Thanx, Smiles (ツ) & ♥ L☼√Ξ ☼ ♥
⋆───★•❥ ☼ .¸¸.•*`*•.♥
I think Billy Ray went in the barber shop, found out he only had half the price for a real haircut and told the guy to stop at $5 worth.
This is hilarious! Ah--those poor kids!
Just when we think that we are mired in a crazed political carnival, complete with the wrong people getting too much ink, you come along and put it into perspective: we need this to completely understand how this patch work quilt wraps around the least likey one of us. I attended a wedding once where you could actually tell who was in the bride's and groom's party: the guy, who we knew only by his marrying our co-worker. Someone said,'We just don't really belong -- the guys have mullets and the chicks are upholstered, as they sausaged themsleves into tight dresses, with plunging neck lines. We felt that we were in another country -- or Texas. Excuse me, Arkansasans and Mizou folks.
And y'all ...
mullets still exist? oh nooooooo....
Maybe not in your fancy-pants neck of the woods