The Thing From Bloggy Swamp

"Music is real--the rest is scenery." Fats Waller

Con Chapman

Con Chapman
Boston, Massachusetts, US of A
September 28
. . . is the author of over fifty books--some with paper!--available on and elsewhere.


MARCH 13, 2012 9:50AM

My Frumpy Stock Index

Rate: 10 Flag

The NASDAQ Composite is once again poised to cross the psychologically important 3000 mark, but as an older, wiser and arguably frumpier version of its former self.

                                                    The Wall Street Journal

When I first met NASDAQ–God, has it been twelve years already?–she was really something to behold.  Slim, confident–and boy did she have legs!  She was still in her twenties, I was a decade older, but thoroughly smitten.

She was stacked like an IBM server, her decolletage enhanced by ruffles of froofy tech stocks across her neckline.  She wasn’t at all like the other stock indexes.  Not stodgy like the Dow-Jones Industrial Average, and at the same time not frivolous and insubstantial like the Russell 2000 small-cap index.  She was, in Goldilockian terms, j-u-u-st right.

We were, to steal a line from Bob Seger, young and restless and bored.  That’s why we got caught up in the internet boom, and that’s why we both fell–hard–when that bubble burst, just after we had crossed the border into unknown territory, and experienced the incredible high of 3,000!

“I can’t believe I bought!”

Who could have foreseen then, back when investors would cut off “elevator” speeches after ten seconds, turning them into “dumbwaiter” speeches–that it would all be over so soon?  We took the “Last Tango in Paris” approach to stock-picking; the less we knew about a company, the more enticing it seemed.

“Please–no audited financial statements!”

How could we have known that–the only website that promised to analyze your production of lint without navel-gazing and remind you when it was time to vacuum using their proprietary handheld LintBuster! body vac–was based on a fundamentally flawed business model; people just don’t care how much lint they’ve got down there!

We retrenched, cut back.  We started printing stock reports on both sides of the paper, moved off the front page of the business section to the back where we didn’t have to put on such a show.  We stopped keeping up with the Dow.

We’re both older and wiser and poised to cross that 3,000 point line of demarcation once again–a bit more cautiously this time.  Yes, NASDAQ is frumpy now, like Mary Astor or Margaret Dumont in an old black-and-white movie.

She stopped shopping at Chicos and *gulp* I find this hard to say, but is now wearing–Talbots!

Author tags:

satire, comedy, spoof, humor, nasdaq

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Yes, but the thrill of it all! Calculating your net worth every morning, buying the "venti" size at Starbucks, even though you already had a non-Italian vent at home, snorting Sweet 'n Low off baristas bellies!
So. Prolly shoulda courted Gold-ilocks. She still glisters.
You mean NASCAR?
You remind me of a frugal lawyer . . .
I know you went to Catholic School . . .
You get guilt red-hot-blush facial cheeks.
Con C. You 'ought' to work @ PET/SMART
Diane Scharper said:
Sister Maura disapproved of pretension and
telling us to follow the directions on the ladies
room paper
towel dispenser:
"Why use two
when one will do."
I beg your pardon...some of us do care about our belly button lint! I have been saving mine since I was 12, and now have a giant ball of it in my garage, which I am keeping as a legacy for future generations.
Talk to Pee-wee Herman. He can loan you some aluminum foil to preserve it in.
I thought it was the dimunitive for "Ventoria," a common girl's name in the Espresso province of Italy.
Well I forsee that now that you have mentioned Talbots in your blog their stock shall rise and who likes Chicos anyways. The latter are the real "young" (average age 65) and restless and bored.
May everything rise today even if not controlled by a little blue pill.
Just another flying fork of the rolling donut
My wife took me into Chico's the other day. I looked behind all the racks and displays--didn't see Chico.
I vote for the concept that all stock transactions be segregated by industry sectors on separate exchanges. That way any investment return isn't camouflaged in the bundled results of the mix. And while we're at it, lets reward long term investment with lower capital gains taxes while treating speculators with a new improved greed tax of 98%.
I learned the seductive allure of the stock market the hard way when I lost $80,000. It just went poof and vanished never to be seen again. Live and learn.
Good rules of thumb: (1) don't buy individual stocks, buy mutual funds and (2) for the right mix of bonds/stocks, subtract your age from 100. Your age should be the bond component, the difference is the stock component so that your risk goes down as you age. Some people only buy index funds for the stock component.
First off I agree with virtually everything your previous commenter 'Baltimore' wrote so well (except the last little part as I do believe that unemployment could play a role in this upcoming election).

Secondly, (and I am not trying to be mean I promise but I've wanted to make this point for a while, call it unsolicited constructive criticism) I read your posts every now and again and I have seen some comments that you have written on other posts and Im not sure that your totally aware of the times we live in! It sometimes seems like you hearken back to some version of the 50's (and not just in your references) in some of your analysis. Its not a huge problem at all I usually like reading you but my age group will def. have a hard time relating!!
Like Popeye the Sailor Man, a reference even older than the 50's, I am what I am.
what's all this seriousness, I would watch my meager investment stocks grow in the bubble days and get a double-cheese because, what the hell, I was on my way
Come to think of it, when you go into Talbots--Talbot is never around either.