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Con Chapman

Con Chapman
Boston, Massachusetts, US of A
September 28
. . . is the author of over fifty books--some with paper!--available on and elsewhere.

MARCH 14, 2012 8:27AM

Mayor Demands Recount as Boston Ranked #5 in Rudeness

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BOSTON.  Mayor Thomas Menino lashed out angrily today at a magazine article that ranked Boston the fifth rudest city in America, saying "We take a back seat to no one when it comes to discourtesyness."

Menino:  "You sayin' we ain't rude?  Blow it out your shorts, pal."

"That's gotta be wrong," Menino said in a freewheeling press conference in which he mispronounced several one-syllable words. "People come here for the culture, but they stay for the uncouthability."

Walk for Rudeness

The Travel + Leisure magazine article ranked Boston behind New York, Miami, Washington, D.C. and Los Angeles on a twenty-point incivility index that measured variables such as random acts of unkindness, line-cutting and unprovoked cursing to achieve a raw rudeness score, which was then divided by residents per square inch.  "Boston is a smorgasbord of rudeness that runs the gamut from snobbish indifference on Beacon Hill to intentional acts of  hostility by reckless drivers on dangerously quaint traffic 'rotaries,'" the magazine noted in praising the city's atmosphere of condescension and general pissyness.  "The upraised middle finger is the state bird of Massachusetts, and residents will often playfully invoke it when greeting tourists who say 'milk shake' instead of 'frappe.'"

The often tongue-tied Menino was first elected in 1993, and has served longer than any mayor in Boston's history.  He is known as "Mayor Pothole" and "The Urban Mechanic" for his focus on mundane quality-of-life issues, and is expected to remain in office as long as he wants unless offered a position as Professor of Linguistics at Harvard.

"We been savin' some of our best insults for you!"

Menino pointed to Allston-Brighton, Boston's "student ghetto" whose youthful population uses loud music and drunken parties to endear themselves to permanent residents.  "Of course I'm rude," said Tweeze, bassist for Maggot Puke, a local band that is one of the leading practitioners of the "Deliberately Annoying" sound.  "Major record labels won't even talk to you unless you're at least chronically cranky."

Rage is all the rage.

Menino is notoriously thin-skinned and often uses his political power to retaliate against those who have crossed him.  "You gonna write sumpin' nice, right?" he asks as this reporter took notes at the press conference. "You bettah, cause I know where youse pahked your cah." 

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boston, satire, comedy, spoof, humor

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Damn! We was robbed!
Washington D.C. doesn't even come close. I was down there one summer and got a ticket for jaywalking, which as a Bostonian I consider one of the inalienable rights Sam Adams brewed beer for.
Everyone does--that's why they're so much fun!
I'm from Boston too and I resemble that remark!
LA's ruder than NYC and Boston???? Hmmm...

Pish posh. I can scarcely believe that NYC is anywhere on that list. Everyone from the city gets a bad reputation for no good reason. I think New Yorkers are warm and go out of their way to be kind to one another.

We are so misunderstood. Really. We are all politeness.


P.S. Please send my best regards to your lovely wife.
Maybe he should lay down and count sheep.. well rude baaaaing ones.
If done properly and discreetly, murder is a social favor, not rude at all!
Here in the South, we're never rude -- we just shoot your ass if we don't like you.
The Irish mob doesn't consider murder rudeness--it's just business.
This survey is flawed. It should have been conducted when the Yankees were in town playing the Sox, or when the Jets were at Foxboro, playing the Pats.
On the other hand, we really love the Giants.
my own Aunt Mary lived and taught in Cambridge; a spinster, they say she was cold with a penchant for the well-placed inference
With a slightly-raised eyebrow?
I'm guessing His Dishonah has no advanced degrees from Hahv'd.
Well it seems to me that what Boston needs to do to rise from a lowly 5th place to a spot in at least the "final 4" of rude is to somehow get rid of the line in that theme song from "Cheers"--"you wanna go where everbody knows your name..." or something like that. Eliminate that and you're on your way--the propaganda value of that old lyric is hurting you. And more "Boston Baked Beans"--the flatulence will help.
His nickname is "Mumbles." On the other hand, he signed my papers to become a notary public, so I got that goin' for me.
"Boston is a smorgasbord of rudeness that runs the gamut from snobbish indifference on Beacon Hill to intentional acts of hostility by reckless drivers on dangerously quaint traffic 'rotaries,'
I liked it too, a great city in many ways, as great as there is, if not particularly polite... Alabama it's not.
Da Mayah recently announced a happiness crusade to address our high suicide rate. Waiting for it to kick in.