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Con Chapman

Con Chapman
Boston, Massachusetts, US of A
September 28
. . . is the author of over fifty books--some with paper!--available on and elsewhere.


MAY 15, 2012 8:18AM

Five First Date No-No's

Rate: 12 Flag

So you've recovered from your last affair, and are ready to re-enter the dating scene.  As any astronaut will tell you, re-entry is the most treacherous part of the job, with temperatures reaching several hundred degrees Celsius even before you get back to your place.  Here are a few tips to reacquaint you with tried and true dating rules, as well as new developments you may have missed out on.

"My tongth's caught in your retainer."

No-No #1:  Your sexual prowess.  "In my last relationship I spent a lot of time--at my boyfriend's insistence--learning how to perform the Mongolian Cartwheel," a sexual position that requires a pack of red Twizzler licorice and a yak, says administrative assistant Lu Ann Salloway of Manchester, New Hampshire.  "He learned it from the Dalai Lama on a Junior Year Abroad program.  When I described it over potato skins at T.G.I.Friday's to a guy my friend Lisa fixed me up with he barfed all over the place, although we hadn't even eaten our entrees yet."

"The yak tickles!"

In other words, keep it discrete when you first meet.

No-no #2:  No Lizards.  Matchmaker Valerie Brunel says she scours through the profiles of her clients and requires those who own Komodo Dragons to sign a separate written statement promising not to bring their giant lizards on "Lunch Dates," her patented no-risk introduction service.  "No matter how much you love your lizard, your primary focus should be on the lady or gentleman sitting across the table from you, not a slimy creature with a yellow forked tongue that carries virulent bacteria in its mouth," she says.  "Oh, and remember to bring a business card so your Lunch Date can follow up if you spark some interest."

"I'll have a Caesar Salad, extra anchovies."

No-No #3:  Kids.

Kids--you can't live with 'em, and yet the human race won't survive without them.  That doesn't mean you should say things like "Do you see us getting serious because my biological clock is ticking and it's like quarter to midnight."

"You not going to leave me with a baby sitter again, are you?"

Men like to believe they'll be able to go through life without children until they actually have them, so it is best to defer this sort of talk until the cost of getting a divorce stands in the way of him dumping you.

See full size image



"If you listen real close, you can hear the ocean!"

No-no #4: Cutesy-Pie Names.

If you hit it off with your date, there will be plenty of time to come up with pet names for each other while you watch old movies on TV and eat popcorn together.  Until that time, calling another person the names of baked goods such "Cupcake" or "Muffin" is viewed as presumptuous, as if you have already won a heart that may still be undecided.  "While expressions of affection are not entirely off limits, you should maintain a certain reserve until it is clear that your date shares your feelings," says etiquette expert Mercedes Rockland.  "I would start with a delicately-placed 'Dear' while you're perusing the menu, graduating to a 'Sweet Thang' when it's time for dessert."

"Because you're on the rebound, you're really bringing me down."

No-no #5:  Your former lovers.

There is nothing to make love curdle like a wistful recollection of the great times you had with the guy or gal who took the shot that put you on the rebound.  "If you spend all your time reminiscing about your old flame, you'll end up putting out a potential fire right in front of you," says Hook and Ladder Co. 9 Captain Dale Bevins of Florissant, Mo.  "Your date may then stop, drop and roll, and proceed directly to the nearest available exit in an orderly fashion without talking in line."

Available in Kindle format on as part of the collection "Take My Advice--I Wasn't Using it Anyway."

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advice, dating, satire, comedy, spoof, humor

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What, no video of the Mongolian Cartwheel???
These tips would be equally useful if you never want to see your date again. Compassionate ditching.
With the internet it seems I already know everything about the fellow before we even meet.
Thanks to
"Sweet thang" by dessert, huh? That's pretty damn fast. I dated a guy once who called me "doll". I've been hoping, in vain, to hear that again since.
"Do you see us getting serious because my biological clock is ticking and it's like quarter to midnight."
WHAT?! but that's my best line *whine*
That's why I love Daylight Savings Time dates in the fall. It gives you that extra hour to really get to know someone.
How did you find out about the Mongolian Cartwheel???
someone must have outed me on Facebook.

"If you listen real close, you can hear the ocean!"
laugh out loud at the photo for this.
Funny but quite true observations.
Mongolian Cartwheel Club of Greater Philadelphia gave me your personal data.
Where were these when I needed them thirty years ago?
Maintained by secret fraternal societies like the Masons, the Knights of Columbus and the Girl Scouts.
I need more dating advice. Where do I sign up?

Call now--operators are standing by to take your order.
you can imagine the hazing ritual to get into that club..
Cute widdle gecko!
Good advice. So my Komodo Dragon was scaring off all those dates. hmmm.
When he knocks your dates down and straddles them just say "Don't mind Skippy--he's just being friendly."
Would the following also constitute inappropriate 1st date etiquette:

- Making fun of the pictures he carries of his bfugly kids and speculating about how homely their mother must be;

- Asking him if you can call him by your dead spouse's name until you're more comfortable around him;

- Demanding he let you draw blood so you can do a quickie AIDS test;

- Insisting he show up with 2 of his most recent pay stubs so you can verify his income is sufficient to support your weave habit should things get serious.

It's been a long time and things have changed so much...