SEATTLE, Washington. Bowing to pressure from its Left Coast, slacker dude fan base, the Seattle Mariners will announce today that the Nirvana song “Smells Like Teen Spirit” will replace “The Star-Spangled Banner” as the anthem played before the team’s home games at Safeco Field.
“We’re in the entertainment business, and Francis Scott Key peaked on the Billboard Jingoistic Singles Charts around 1950,” said Jack Zduriencik, the Mariners’ general manager and a highly-valued but banned word in the board game “Scrabble.” “Frankly, the Star-Spangled Banner is not depressing enough for Seattlians, or Seattlites, or whatever you call them.”
“Smells Like Teen Spirit”, from Nirvana’s 1991 album “Nevermind,” is generally credited with bringing the musical genre known as “grunge” to the attention of the world beyond Seattle. Rolling Stone Magazine ranks ”Teen Spirit” ninth on its list of the 500 Greatest Works of All Time, and the American Academy of Arts and Sciences places it ahead of Herman Melville’s “Moby Dick,” Arthur Miller’s “Death of a Salesman” and “The New Hollywood Squares” as a cultural achievement.
Nirvana–the group, not the state of consciousness.
Conservative groups were quick to criticize the shift as indicative of the decline of patriotism in liberal “blue” states such as Washington. “This is just more evidence, in case anybody needed it, that espresso drinks are poisoning the minds of America’s youth,” said Wendy Davis, President of Concerned Women for America. Seattle is the headquarters of Starbucks and Seattle’s Best Coffee, and leads the nation in the consumption of lattes and cappucinos.
“The espresso beans have gone to Seattle’s head.”
Baseball commissioner Bud Selig said he would take no action against the team for the time being. “Most of the day-to-day problems I face running major league baseball are like teenage acne,” he said in response to a reporter’s question. “Ignore them and eventually they go away.”
Selig: “Enough with the pesky questions!”
Selig said if the Mariners’ experiment is a success, he would consider using the 1953 Patti Page hit “How Much Is That Doggie in the Window?” for opening ceremonies at Miller Park before Brewers’ games. “That’s my all-time favorite,” he said with a wistful smile.
Mariners fans, historically a free-thinking, non-conformist group, were generally in favor of the change. “Ten years ago all cell phones sounded the same,” said Evan Martin, a graduate student at the University of Washington. “Now everybody’s got their own ring tone, so why shouldn’t we all have different anthems?”
When it was pointed out that an anthem is intended to bind Americans together as a nation of states under a federal government headquartered in Washington, D.C., Martin was unfazed. “Dude, you’re wrong. That is like a totally different Washington.”